The Stuart Awards 2010

We are 'enjoying' our last day of the year 2010, and it is time for the annual and greatly unanticipated Stuart Awards. These are awards which are made out of 100% imagination and 'awarded' to those people, objects and events which were either the most annoying or greatest of their category, during the year of 2010. Here are the final results:

Music

Most Annoying Song Of The Year: This award could go to so many songs. Many songs were close contenders for this song. However, after very little deliberation, I'm decided that Willow Smith - Whip My Hair is the most annoying song. It also is the most repetitive and the worst video of the year. Yes, we understand daughter of Will Smith, you like to whip that hair of yours, backwards and forwards, over and over again. Geez.

Song Of The Year: This is a song that you probably will not have heard of, so I suggest you have a listen. Barenaked Ladies - Four Seconds. It is very catchy with its somewhat random and sporadic beat. It ends too soon with the song only lasting just over two minutes.

My New Favourite Old Song Of The Year: Well, this is a song I heard while wandering around B&Q and became stuck in my head for the following months. Prince - Raspberry Beret is the song in question. A song about a woman wearing a reddish hat is essentially the synopsis of the song. I also rather like the imagery of a woman wearing a raspberry beret and not 'wearing much more'. Yes, anyway...

My Album Of The Year: This will not come as much of a surprise to people who have been regularly reading my blogs or know me reasonably well, but this award goes to Maroon 5 - Hands All Over. It is brilliant. It was closely followed by Barenaked Ladies - All In Good Time, but the fact I only like the first four songs, kind of ruins the point of an album of songs.

Most Disappointing Album Of The Year: This is the fastest selling album of the decade I believe; which I am completely miffed about. Take That - Progress gets this award. If this was their debut album, they would never make another album again; let alone tour. It is a short album, with songs which are dreadful. Underground Machine - What the heck? Letting that egotistical mongrel back into the group was the worst thing Take That have ever done.

Film & TV

Best Sequel Of The Year: This is such an obvious winner really. In fact, so obvious that I was considering not even typing the answer, but you wouldn't get that with the Oscars, would you? Anyway, so the award goes to Toy Story 3. This film also wins numerous other awards;

Best 3D Movie Of The Year: This goes to Toy Story 3, partly because the adverts prior to the movie were really good in 3D, and partly because it is the only ever film I've seen 3D, not only this year, but in my life.

Movie Of The Year: Well, it's Toy Story 3.

Worse Sequel Of The Year: This goes to a television program. An American television program. Most surprising is that this program won My TV Obsession of last Year. It goes to Scrubs Series 9: Med School. I love Scrubs; well the first 8 series. The final one should not have been allowed to be made. It was essentially a very bad tribute act. It still had its occasional humorous moments with Dr. Cox's presence, but nothing comparable to the previous series.

The Film Which Went on Too Long: This went to Harry Potter last year, but not this year due to it being rather enjoyable. Instead, the award goes to Eclipse, from The Twilight Saga. It just failed to capture me and continued to drag on.

Drama Of The Year: Obviously goes to Sherlock on BBC 1. It was disappointingly only three episodes this year, but those three episodes were absolutely fantastic, and a lot of people agree. Anyway, read my blog is you want to know everything I thought about it.

Regeneration Of The Year: This only had one contender, and that was Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor. He had big, cliché shoes to fill in following David Tennant, but I think everyone is amazed at how brilliant he has turned out.

Sitcom Of The Year: Well, this is really hard. There have been no new Sitcoms which have actually captured my attention. Hardly any continuing Sitcoms have lived up to expectation. Only one Sitcom has, and they won the same award in 2008. It is the only consistent Sitcom which offers laughs. Outnumbered.

Most Annoying Program: This is a shocker. I like Ant & Dec, but 'Ant & Dec Push The Button' may have helped them in the direction of their ending career. Such a disappointing show, and the fact that other people liked it, seemed to annoy me the most.

Best TV Moment of the Year: This is also a big shocker. You never thought that this show would win an award. It just has. Big Brother! The best television moment of the year was specifically the final 5 minutes. Davina cried, hugged a few people, credits rolled, and Big Brother has left British Television!

Celebrity

Celebrity Death Of The Year: This goes to an animal who resided in Germany, who came to fame during the World Cup. Yes, Paul the Octopus wins the award due to him being popular for being able to predict football results correctly. He dies just a few months after, and he wins this award because I have never seen such pointless coverage of a death since Jade Goody last year.

Most Annoying Celebrity Couple: This award doesn't go to a couple who are engaged in a relationship, but a pair who share the media attention and have annoyed us this year. Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakey. First they snubbed the BBC for ITV, then their show got record low viewership, and the continued coverage of this charade made them more annoying; especially whenever Adrian spoke.

Most Annoying Celebrity: Lois Spence wins this award, as well as the Annoying 'Celebrity' Newcomer of the Year award. He cannot walk, he has to prance everywhere. He is on every channel and invading nearly every program. He has rather an irritating voice and he has to be the centre of attention; even when he done something for charity. This is a 'man' who should be shoved in a dark cellar and forced to create a dance for an N-Dubz song until he eventually becomes malnourished and dies, alone. He has grated my brain until I can convey nothing but irritation for him and whatever he does.

Christine Bleakey in her Dalek costume...

Politics

Best & Worst Newcomer: Nick Clegg. He spent the first few months of the year being one of the most popular people in politics. Everyone liked him. He was the underdog with a chance of doing quite well in elections. Gordon Brown wanted to be just like him. Then, it all went wrong. He is now one of the most hated faces of politics at the latter end of the year.

Coalition of the Year: I am forced to give this award to PC World and Currys. No-one expected them to win a politics award, but they were owned by the same company, who later decided to have them as one entity. They weren't even a contender for this award, but to give it to our ConDem Government would indirectly praise it.

Budget Cut Of The Year: Well, there were a lot of contenders in this category, what with their being over £80Billion cut this year. It could go to the Police, who were already struggling to cope. However, I think just the resulting protests, it goes to Education; or more specifically, University funding. What does it matter if they don't get as much money? I mean, they're only educating the future generations which will run the country in years to come.

General Awards

My Favourite Twitterer Of The Year: This award goes to Tony Cowards; @TonyCowards. He has been described as 'The Tim Vine of Twitter' and a 'Pun-osaurus', he is brilliantly funny and excessively Tweets, so you are always inundated with some of the best worst jokes.

Cloud Of The Year: For the disruption it done, this award goes to The Icelandic Volcanic Ash Cloud which infiltrated British and European airspace for about a week or so. It left thousands of people stranded in foreign countries, with the only way to get home being to carpool to France then catch a train and get to England. Sounds cheap and simple, but I don't expect it was either.

Most Disruptive Water-Based Element Of The Year: This goes to Snow; that white stuff that falls from the sky mainly during the winter when it is particularly cold outside. This brought the country to a standstill, every single time.

It Doesn't Do What It Says On The Box Of The Year: Sensodyne Whitening Toothpaste wins this much wanted award. Its purpose is to clean teeth, relieve sensitive teeth and continue to whiten them. It does none. My teeth just got dirtier, my teeth got yellower and I still had the same level of pain. Is there actually any point in them filling the tube with toothpaste? They may as well sell it empty.

Pointless Use Of 24 Hours News: This is being awarded to two different occasions. The first being the Raoul Moat coverage. It was a week of portraying a crazed man with a gun as the biggest threat to society since the Taliban. This angered him more. The final day with a seven hour standoff against police was covered. That's seven hours of speculations and interviewing people who knew nothing and phoning scared people near the event to relay details. The second award goes to The Chilean Miners. That was two months of being mentioned every day on the news, until the climax of them being freed, when all 33 miners were shown being released back into the wild. It was like Big Brother in that the news went to great lengths to find out lots of information about them, so we had sympathy. Both were just completely unnecessary.

There you have it. The Stuart Awards for 2010. Some you will agree with, others you will think I am on some kind of drug which has impaired my brain power. Well, I'm taking a lot of Paracetamol at the moment, so you might be correct. Anyway, I hope you agree mostly, and have enjoyed these non-televised awards. I will see you back here next year for The Stuart Awards 2011.

It's Snowing, It's Flurrying...

...The Old Man Isn't Snoring As He Has Frozen To Death.

It is getting to the point where I think I may have mentioned the word 'snow' in this blog this year, more than I've mentioned the words 'Jade Goody', and that is a worrying fact.

We are nearly at the end of our countries second heavy snow fall this winter. Ten months previously, we were in the middle of our biggest snow fall for many years. The country just stopped for a few days. You would have thought ten months would be enough time to recover and prepare for the worse to happen again. The phrase is to 'learn from our mistakes', but did we succeed in doing that? Did we ‘eck!

The politicians have explained a lot over the past month why our country still fails to cope at the first signs of snow; we don't get snow regularly enough and it doesn't last long. That is a very fair point to make Mr ConDem Man. So what if it has snowed the previous three years. It didn't snow for years prior to that. Everyone believed in Global Warming back then. Now that we have the snow back, we seem to have forgotten about that inconvenient truth Al Gore told us all about years ago.

We Brits are the most hypocritical nation. It doesn't snow during the winter; we moan that it didn't snow. If it does snow, we moan about how we have been inconvenienced by the weather. We have a cold and rainy summer, we moan about it. We have a boiling and sunny summer; we moan it's too hot. We spend all of winter waiting for summer to come and melt away the snow, then we spend all of summer waiting for winter so we can festive snow, and from there on, it continues year in, year out. We complain about our Labour Government and Gordon Brown, but then we can't decide who we really want in power instead. Then we settle for a ConDem Government with David Cameron and Nick Clegg, and we moan about them instead.

Anyway, something which is pointed out by the 'News' and their 'investigative reports' is that other countries cope perfectly well with snow. Switzerland, for example, a country which spends a majority of the year under snow, keeps their airports open. People in Denmark, for example, still manage to drive their cars in snow lasting a few months. We compare 2 to 3 weeks of snow, to them. Switzerland keep their airports open with equipment costing millions of Swiss Franc's, due to the fact that without that expense, no-one would be able to hardly ever leave or enter the country. Denmark makes it a law that everyone switches to Winter Tyres at a certain date every year to be able to cope with their freezing winters. It's cost effective for those countries.

For our country, the implications of ensuring every driver changes their tyres twice a year would cost a huge amount of money which we do not have. Spending millions of pounds on Airport Snow Clearing Equipment would be spending money we do not have. For a few weeks of disruption a year, it is never going to be cost effective, especially with the Budget-cutting Tories in power. Just get over. Buy a sledge and have some fun instead of moping about that it has snowed. Take pictures of the beautiful landscape which the snow gives us. Just don't sit at home and emailing the BBC to complain about the state of our country.

Here are two examples of lovely snow landscapes taken by yours truely.

However, to take a slightly hypocritical view to the above paragraphs; why is our country so useless as coping with snow and cold weather? Trains are cancelled and the ones that do run are hours late or get stuck in the middle of nowhere for 7 hours. Every airport closes for days. No-one can drive in a straight line without nearly crashing into another driver because the council decided to not grit certain roads. People can't even walk down the street without fearing for their lives.

The snow affected me too you know. I had to drive in that snow. At night. When it was falling out of the sky quick and hard. On roads with no grit and doing no more than 20mph on a road which would usually have people travelling at over 60mph. I did well to drive the 10 miles in these conditions without so much as a tyre going out of place. Then, I approach a roundabout where a Land Rover driver decides to not indicate and turn my direction. I used the brakes in a vain attempt to stop but slid straight into his path. He avoided me and he done a pirouette, narrowly missing a street sign and made another attempt to get around the roundabout. The next day, when I attempted to get home, literally metres away from where I park the car, on the top of a small, yet steep hill, my poor little car just skidded and refused to go forwards. All that effort just to see Harry Potter (incidentally, it was worth the hassle).

You see, our country would benefit from nationwide annual tyre changes. However, I'm not prepared to spend hundreds of pounds to change my tyres. And neither are you. None of us are prepared to pay even higher taxes to pay for the extra gritters on the roads. No one is going to pay even higher train fares to allow companies to spend money constantly de-icing train tracks or spend more on plane tickets to allow the airports to buy the expensive equipment.

The residents of Britain are like little spoilt children who get exactly what they want, and when Daddy says no to a jet-powered Unicorn, they have a massive paddy where they cry and shout abuse. If we don't get the exact services we desire, such as trains being pulled through the snow by a pack of huskies, penguins controlling the traffic or being carried to the shops on the back of a polar bear, we start shouting abuse. Well, you know what: Tough shit. How old are you? Exactly! You should be old enough to know that life isn't fair.

However, we are now at the festive season people like to refer to as 'Christmas'. It snows every Christmas. It has snowed for every Christmas since the alleged birth of Jesus Christ. What do you mean no it hasn't? It does. What, you calling me a liar are you now? I promise you, it is a metrological fact that it does snow every single Christmas! I can prove this with heavy persuasion. In every fantasy and on every program on the Television and every film in your DVD collection, it snows on Christmas Day. Forget about what really happens in real life; it does snow every single Christmas Day, without fail. Without snow, people don't believe it is Christmas, even if it is fake snow produced by a machine just out of shot on Eastenders. You see, believe me now do we?

Anyway, I hope the snow didn't bother you too much and your plans for Christmas haven't been ruined by the slight dusting of snow.

Merry Christmas, Season Greetings, I hope Yule get everything Yule desire and that Yule don't get a paper cut from the wrapping paper.

The Facebook Factor

I protest that Facebook is ruining almost every aspect of every normal person’s life. Facebook has ruined socialising for 500 million people as their entire life is now planned around Facebook. Facebook is a way of spreading hate for one person over the entire world; like Cat Bin Lady. Facebook ruins TV, with most adverts and programs having an official Facebook page where people can post live comments. Facebook ruins the radio with presenters endlessly plugging their Facebook page for their show or radio station. Facebook now vows to ruin music in a more destructive way than when Katie Price tried her hand at singing. Users of Facebook, through the power of 'Likes', campaign to end The X factor's grip of the UK Singles chart; particularly at Christmas.

I'm not the biggest fan of The X Factor. I will watch it if I'm home and there is nothing else on TV (so that was most weeks). I watch it more to laugh at and definitely not to enjoy a few hours of perfectly pitched singing. This year, The X Factor had all the usual ingredients which it has every other year, apart from Pregnancy and Malaria; those were added seasoning. We had the auditions which consisted of a mixed bag of talent. It had those that were truly terrible, who were laughed at and mocked like a dancing bear with a nose stud. It also had those who were amazingly average, who everyone cheered and clapped at and also got praise from all the judges.

It had fights and scuffles which are normally directed at the judges, but this time it was a double act of teenage hippopotamuses that turned on each other. It also had the acts that were there just for the comedy value that it added to the show, and caused great publicity. That roll fell to Wagner (Pronounced 'Varg-ner') who was a retired Brazilian P.E. Teacher (Pronounced 'Per-vert') who seemed to be giving a monologue, in a slightly camp German accent to the tune of music, while dancers twirled around him. Essentially, just think Jedward in 50 years, after one of them got murdered by someone baring Jedward's debut album as a weapon.

Those two lovely girls I was just telling you about...

Wagner. What else do I need to say?

It had over exaggerated bitchiness between the judges too; mostly directed at poor Louis Walsh. Dannii Minogue regularly retorted to any criticism Louis had for Dannii's acts. Simon Cowell would scowl judgingly at any chance he got, as if Louis had just taken off all of his clothes and had put his pants on his head while singing a Westlife song. Then Cheryl Cole would look puppy-eyed at Simon, begging for praise after every song and have a paddy every time he said something negative. Just like every year.

The X Factor also had a selection of other singers who were not Wagner. Most of them were average. The type of singers you find drunk over a karaoke machine in a pub, screaming 'Angels'. Most of them I can't actually remember their names, but then I suppose that is because I have stored more important information in my head. You know, like the capital of Costa Rica being San Jose, where I left my car keys or how much cheese we have left in the fridge; you know, the important stuff.

I know that the final consisted of four acts: Cher Lloyd came fourth and she was a teenage girl with a dream. A dream to sing. She made this known all the time, thus why everyone thought of her as this cocky little girl. She wanted to be more of a hip hop, R&B singer, so she had no chance of winning a pop contest. A band of hairless monkeys called One Direction came third, and these were Simon's little clones. He wanted them to win. His face was a picture when they went out. A Geordie woman came second, who was a spectacularly average singer, who was actually quite nasally and the only person who could understand her was Cheryl.

The winner, and holder of Christmas Number One 2010, was a bloke called Matt Cardle. He was a painter and decorator who liked wearing flat caps. Incidentally, if you had him booked to paint your lounge in the New Year, I would consider finding yourself someone else - I don't think he will be turning up. He was the best of a bad bunch in my opinion; above average, but not exactly the best singer you will ever hear. His single was a cover of Biffy Clyro's song 'Many A Horror', which Simon Cowell decided to rename 'When We Collide' for reasons which are obvious to absolutely no-one.

Here is your champion!

So, another Christmas, and another Christmas Number One which is in no way related to Christmas. A shame, but I'm not particularly bothered. Last year had the overly popularised Facebook campaign to get Rage Against The Machine to be Christmas Number One, in protest of Simon Cowell stubbornness. They managed it and Joe McElderry never got the Festive Chart Position he aimed for. This year saw two Facebook Campaigns. One was to get the original Biffy Clyro song to the glorious chart position. They managed 8th. A second campaign was to get 'The Bird Is The Word', a song shoved into the modern public domain by Family Guy, to lead the chart. This managed 3rd. It seems the Facebook campaigns didn't work this year; or as Facebook users might put it - It was an Epic Fail.

The worst protest against The X Factor was 'Cage Against The Machine', which was essential a group of a few dozen so-called 'real rockers', crowding into a tiny room to shuffle about and recreate John Cage's 4'33" – or other words – silence. This got to 21 in the Chart. This shambolic revolution was led by many people, but most notably Pete Doherty.

Now, I think it would have been better to put together a real Christmas song. You know, one with lyrics and instruments that is original, and not an incredibly vain attempt to be a bit of a profanity.

In the words of Kirsty MacColl "You Scumbag, You Maggot, You cheap lousy Faggot", go write a decent Christmas song next year, instead of sitting behind your iPad and complaining about The X Factor being Number 1 again.

Corrie's 50, But They Want No Fuss...

A little known fact about Coronation Street is that the first episode aired on ITV on the 9th of December 1960, which means that this week was Coronations Streets 50th birthday. However, they kept it very quiet. You would have thought that they would sell merchandise like CD's and DVD's to mark the occasion. You would have thought they ITV would do special shows to commemorate such a historic event; maybe a clip show of the best moments of the past 50 years or maybe even done a show with celebrities in which they answer questions about the show. Maybe they could have done a live show just like Eastenders did for their 25th, or possibly Coronation Street could have shown that very first episode. Also, you would expect the soap to have some huge storyline. Maybe it could be a big dramatic event which would play out over the course of a week, and could result in the death of numerous characters and other storylines reaching their climax. Well, that is exactly what they did do.

The tram crash was the worse kept secret in soap history; apart from every single affair which happens in any soap of course. We knew months ago that would be how Coronation Street celebrated their 50th. Not with a big party, but a huge explosion costing millions of pounds. It was for the most part, well done and all very well written.

ESSENTIALLY; the evening before a wedding everyone is out celebrating, with the stags in a new club under the viaduct and the hens in the old Rovers Return. It turns out there is some kind of gas leak (which no-one noticed...) causing a huge and completely random explosion in the new club destroying it and surrounding buildings. Then, just moments after, a tram goes over the viaduct and crashes off into the corner shops. This tram was made with CGI and had a great shot with the tram driver panicking before it crashed and he somehow survived the event, but I suppose that is because he is in no way important to any storylines. Numerous people are trapped in various places.

The surprise causes a woman to give birth 3 months early and they name the baby Hope. The woman's husband killed a mad woman who was trying to break them up with a hammer moments before the explosion to cover his previous lawbreaking tracks. He then later drags the body near the incident to make it look like part of the accident. She is announced as being brain dead.

A woman is trapped in one of the corner shops with her baby. She is in there as she had just left her husband after telling him that their baby was not his. This woman dies in the shop and the baby survives. However, before she dies she tells the wife of the bloke she had an affair with that the baby is his; meaning that the woman who died had an affair with her husband’s best mate (how original...). There is then confrontation between husband and wife and as far as we know; they have split up.

The club is owned by two people, and they used to married years ago but he left her. She is now engaged to a recovering alcoholic who has a son with a previous wife who he committed bigamy with. However, she starts a lustful affair with her ex just weeks before the marriage but she chooses to stay with her fiancée. The two men end up being together just as the tram crashed and the ex dragged his love rival from the rubble. He is very ill and nearly dead, so he marries his fiancée in hospital before he has a major operation. During the operation, the woman's friend admits that she is in love the woman's new husband and they fall out. We think the man will survive; just.

Another family are intending to move to France soon. The husband is at the stag party and the woman is at home looking after their 2 children and various others. The husband is also in the rubble, but he dies while trying to save someone's life and the house which the wife is in with all the children catches fire. They all eventually escape reasonably unharmed from the house. She finds out her husband has died and gets very understandably upset. She is upset and everyone says how great her husband was while her children sleep in a pub.

In the pub, a couple who cannot have their own child had previously brought her sisters toddler. She then came back and took him because she decides she wants another £5,000 for her son. They cannot afford it, so the wife secretly goes off and steals money from the safe of one of the collapsed corner shops which she will now use to buy the child back.

Other people such as the shop owners in both shops were seriously injured and are eventually saved. They seem to be surviving but soaps can shoot some surprising curve balls, so no-one who is in hospital is actually safe until they walk out the hospital.

Thursday had a live episode, attracting over 14 million viewers, in which the woman gave birth and people died and others cried, and it was brilliant with hardly any mistakes at all. In fact, you would have no idea that it was live apart from the occasional dodgy camera angle.

Did you follow all that? Of course you did, it is the classic drama which you find on every street in England, surely.

Oh what another fine mess they've found themselves in.

I suppose it would be fair to say that I am somewhat of a Corrie addict. I've been watching it for many years; longer than I can even remember. I've grown up with these people. I have my favourite characters, which are now mostly dying out. Everyone can agree that Blanche Hutt was the best and funniest character; a woman who died in real life last year and died in the soap about 9 months. She had some of the best lines ever to come from the soap, and her best scene was voted the best of the past 50 years (video at bottom of this blog). Some of her scenes could easily be from sketch shows.

My other favourite character died last month; Jack Duckworth. He is another great wit from the soap that can also have those moving scenes. When he died, the spirit of his dead wife returned to take him to Heaven in a sad episode. Surely, Vera Duckworth must be the first soap ghost?

In June we had another explosive week in which a serial killer returned from prison to kill more people and blowing the knickers factor up; the same week as the Cumbria shootings, and caused it to be removed from the schedules. I suppose Coronation Street should be lucky that there wasn't a major train crash the weekend before in the real world.

The thing about good writing is that it can make an audience have sympathy for one character and hatred for another. That is some of the power which the writing in Coronation Street has. You felt for Leanne when you saw her break down at being told her husband may not survive his operation; and the same for when Clare got told her husband had died being a hero, and these high emotions being performed on live television in front of 14 million people. It is not an achievement to be ignored.

Look at the concern on this man's face as he nearly crashes a tram into our beloved street...

When Tony Warren created this street over 50 years, he could have had no idea at how successful it would be and how long it would run. However, due to it being 50 years old, original ideas are hard to come by. Even the tram crash is something which has been done before; albeit with a train instead when the show was 7 years old.

Coronation Street has had almost every scandal possible, apart from a banker receiving a huge bonus. We've had bigamy, affairs, drug taking, underage pregnancy, murders, serial killers, transsexuals, alcoholics, drink driving, gay kisses, lesbian kisses, fraud, suicides and not to forget bad car and tram drivers; lots of these happening in just the past year.

The builders of Weatherfield are never bored. In between rebuilding houses and businesses after big disasters, they manage to pass the time away with small repairs and shop refits. It seems normal, boring everyday life, like the ones that us viewers suffer through, just isn't interesting nor gripping enough for us. To shock and grab our attention, they have to blow places up and kill much loved characters. The same goes for the other soaps.

In my street of 10 houses nothing like that happens. A house blew up from a gas leak about 10 years ago with no-one in it. A few of the old people have died or gone into homes. We have a retired gay teacher who lives on the corner and we suspect that our neighbour is having an affair with a very small man. That's about it; and that is actually all true. It may all sound interesting, but it really isn't, and nothing happens in the volume that is seems to occur in Coronation Street. I think the biggest scandal which we have had in the past year is the bins not being collected when it snows and the odd bit of graffiti.

Anyway, in conclusion, even though I may be a touch cynical about anything that happens on the soap; especially this week, this has been the greatest week for some time for the soap and they should be proud of their achievement. Not only did this week prove how fantastic the writing is for the soap, but it also proved how talented the actors and actresses are in the soap, with them all giving a superb performance, especially during the live episode. I look forward to seeing how this is all played out over the next weeks and I hope it creates some more poignant moments where you realise that the actors are actually really good. Who knows what the next 50 years has in store for the soap? Maybe for their 100th celebration they will be attacked by a nuclear missile from some Arabian country which will then intoxicate them with so much radiation, they all grow antlers and rape each other’s wives. Of course, William Roache will still be in it, but he will be like a character from Futurama and his head will be kept on the mantel piece in a container filled with liquid.

We will have to see. When that time comes I will be 68, so I would have just retired. I look forward to it.

P.S. Here is that classic scene with Blanche that I promised you. It is funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e54gzq5Xr0Y

The Peasants Are Revolting!

Unless you hadn’t noticed, the lower classes have discovered their voice, even if it is in a slightly more violent way, and they are protesting about the rise in tuition fees. As a future University student myself, I am obviously opposed to this raise. In the space of my lifetime, University has gone from being completely free to being capped at £9,000 a year.

Proving that students can spell...

Everyone over the age of 25 doesn’t particularly care about this raise. Most people over that age have already gone and completed University if they had plans to ever do so. Most people over the age of 39 would have gone to University for free.

I want to put this into perspective to everyone who doesn’t see what the fuss is about. The average age of politicians is way over 40. This means they would have got their degrees for free. Now, I don’t see them offering to pay for it, and they will be earning well over the repayment threshold. To me, this seems just a touch hypocritical, but then of course that is the stereotypical politician.

This new system which will be introduced also makes no sense. Raising the fees to the magic number of £9,000 only means that the Government have to loan each student three times as much, each year. This in a time when money is tight and only recently £80 Billion was cut from the country’s budget. This financial climate we currently find ourselves in began through banks loaning money to people who could not afford to repay the money. Why is this different when the Government do it?

Then the other problem is that the earning threshold when a student has to repay their loan increases to £21,000 a year, when it is currently £15,000. This means that less people will be able to repay the money in the first place, and therefore fewer loans are repaid. Obviously, I’m not Chancellor of the Exchequer so I have not seen the figures, but that would surely put the Government into more debt?

Now, I hear all of you adults who are over a certain age asking: “Well, if the students will apparently have it so good, why are they protesting and why in such a violent way?” I cannot answer the latter question, but how would you like an average debt of about £35,000 hanging over you for the rest of your life, just to get an education which former generations got for free? This is then money that the HM Revenue and Customs will take from every single paycheque that is over a certain amount. I don’t call that particularly fair considering the free education the people in power got.

Of course, I appreciate that times have changed. Education is of course a better quality. We are producing a generation of children which are smarter and regularly slandered by the media. I understand that people are earning more money. I understand that University is no longer necessarily for the smartest people, but for the children of higher income families. Oh wait, that last point doesn’t seem fair, does it? Hmm.

A selection of newspaper headlines from the last Student Protests...

Now, let us discuss the protests.

I wasn’t in the group of people protesting, and in fact I was no where near it. I was busy getting an education and what have you. It seems to me that this is possibly another example of the media slandering the younger generation. This is often the way. Judging by the media, my generation are out getting drunk every night on cheap booze they brought at Tesco’s, and drinking it at bus stops and recreation grounds across the country. Young female teenagers are ‘giving it away’ at the first chance they get and before they reach 20, have a family of three children from different fathers barely old enough to buy a lottery ticket. We are also all out in high streets wearing hoodies and proudly holding our mobile phones to capture the moment when a friend violently attacks a stranger so we can upload it straight to YouTube. Then, when it comes to examination time, our one time to prove that we aren’t all like that stereotype, we get fantastic grades, and of course this ends up being further proof that we’re just idiots. The only reason we could possibly get good grades is because the exams are easier. It couldn’t possibly be because we all study hard.

I’m guessing that on the most part, the student protests of the past few weeks have been largely quiet and calm, and there are only a few actually causing trouble. Of course, the media swarm to these events like flies to cow poo, just to get video footage of a man being violently beaten off his horse. This is one person out of a crowd of thousands. Numerous monuments around the capital vandalised with graffiti. This is a handful of people from a crowd of thousands. The royal limo was attacked with paint and bullet-proof windows smashed. This is a few people from a crowd of thousands. I agree these people should be arrested and the full force of the law slapping sense into them. However, I don’t agree that their out-of-control actions should taint the reputation of an entire generation. It’s always a few people that ruin it for the rest of us law abiding, lovely folk.

People are making a huge fuss over a number of police being hurt. 114 students were injured in Thursday’s protests; and the sad thing is, a majority of those were probably peacefully protesting. You can complain about the violence of students all you like, but the police were quick to retaliate. The police are well train and equipped for this sort of event and they seemed very prepared. To me, it seems like the police caused as much trouble as the students.

I imagine people like him only went to London for a day out. I highly doubt he has the mental capacity to even spell 'University'...

I would never be able to do what the police do; I’m not knocking them down in the slightest bit. They are very brave to go out there and do what it is they do on a daily bases. However, I think they need to review how they act in those situations. Charging at protestors in huge numbers with weapons and horses is not calming the situation.

I don’t understand why people even bother protesting anymore though. Yes, it is to voice our freedom of speech. However, the people in charge don’t listen to our chanting and sign holding. Take the war demonstrations through London opposing the Iraq war. Tony Blair still went to war despite the voice of almost an entire country; the stubborn bastard. Why should David Cameron and his puppy dog Nick Clegg listen to us when we say that we don’t want huge debts?

Maybe the politicians cannot understand our peasant, yobbish voices. Who knows, but the Government never listen to us, the general public, despite what they might say during their election campaigns to win the hearts and minds of us idiots. They just say what they think we want them to say.

One might point out it was worth it just to see Camilla pull this face.

So, let me just say this to all of you who have gone to University and don’t see what all the fuss is about: How would you have felt if you had to have a massive debt of that size? Would you have even considered going to University? And to those who got free University education; before you start judging our generation, why don’t you consider paying a contribution to the Government for your University education? No, I didn’t think so because you’re too busy being some semi-important ‘guy’ at some office, driving a Mercedes Benz and living in a town house with your 2.5 kids and glass conservatory. Well I want a life like that too, but of course if I do, I will have a debt to pay. You don’t realise how lucky you were and how well you had it.

We need more teachers. Do you think that people are going to want to go to University and get the proper training to teach your grandchildren, what with this increasing debt? Everyone will suffer as a result of this; including you.

This ConDem Government could be one of the worse things to happen to our country in some time. These cuts in spending are nothing short of disastrous.

My Comedy Nights Reviewed 2010

Just like last year, I have spent the past few months watching comedy shows and laughing until I forget my problems, instead of concentrating on my A-levels. Every time I have gone to the local, small theatre in Canterbury called 'The Gulbenkian'; a lovely, small place. Where ever you sit, you still feel as if you're too close to guy on stage. I think it is probably the meaning of an 'intimate gig'. This year, I only went on three occasions; Paul Zerdin, Ardal O'Hanlon and Jeremy Hardy.

Firstly, I went to see Paul Zerdin on his Spongefest tour in mid-September with a friend. It is very interesting to think that he is the most popular, active Ventriloquist in the UK currently, and yet, a lot of people don't recognise his name. Every time I told someone that I was going to see him - they would just look at me blankly. I would then go on to explain that he is 'the one who has the baby'. What followed was people going 'Oh yeah, him', but I'm not sure whether that was to just shut me up or not.

Anyway, he had a female magician, Mandy Muden as his warm-up act, and she was brilliant. One reviewer called her 'A sexy Tommy Cooper but without a fez', which is a shame because I think she'd have looked lovely with a fez. Anyway, the reason for the comparison is that she was very good at comedy and pretending to be rubbish at magic. We, as seems to be the norm when I go to see comedy, were sat near a heckler. He was soon put into his place by her and was no longer the 'cocky bastard' everyone thought of him to be.

Paul Zerdin then came on, after being introduced by 'The Voice Of The Balls' (National Lottery) and Nigel Havers (that posh one who left 'I'm A Celebrity...') through recorded sound bites. Impressive start. If I were to be brutally honest, I was slightly disappointed by his lack of new material. However, it didn't matter and he was amazing. He has three puppets. His most popular one seems to be Sam. He also had Sam's Grandfather called Albert and a baby called... Well, Baby. The reason why it was brilliant seeing him live was because of the fact it was an 18+ event. It is one thing to see a ventriloquist, but to see it all X-rated with swearing is truly amazing. One review of him which I read said he were 'A ventriloquist for the South Park generation', which he so definitely is! Seeing an old man puppet shouting "She's gagging for it" is certainly very funny.

Forgetting the puppets; Paul Zerdin is so very talented. He has the ability to use his voice to devastating effects, such as being able to echo the characters voice without his lips moving the slightest millimetre. He also has created great real life scenarios in which he could use his skills; for example to freak people out in a non-speaking elevator, walking past pregnant ladies and while watching Lobsters boil. If you have the chance to see Paul Zerdin and all his sponge friends, I strongly suggest you grab the chance with both your hands. Just a tip though - if you're ugly, don't sit on the front row - he will pick on you, throughout, constantly. I'm just saying...

The second show I saw was just a week later; Ardal O'Hanlon. This is a man who I have admired and watched on TV for many years, since I was young. In fact, it is easy to say that he is one of the four people who probably created the person I am today. Ronan Atkinson, John Cleese, Richard Wilson and Ardal O'Hanlon are those four men. Imagine my excitement at seeing that he would be coming to a theatre near me soon. I had to go and see him. With another friend, I did.

I have his last stand up tour on DVD. I love it. It is one of my favourite stand-up shows I have on DVD. I will just say this; it is a bloody good job that I do love it, because about 60% of the material he does on his latest tour, is material he done on his previous tour. It doesn't change the fact that I loved it and laughed the entire way through. He did change some of the punch lines, so it adds a bit of variety. Mind you, it is a bit like going to see your favourite bands really. You go to see them to hear them perform your favourite songs live, so why should it be any different comedy? I went to see him live, and he done some of my favourite jokes and also some new stuff, which was equally as funny.

The Irishman was very popular with the folk of Canterbury and I in fact saw numerous people I knew, including my favourite primary school and my family doctor. O’Hanlon had the audience eating out of his hands, metaphorically of course. It would be a completely different show if weren't metaphorically. Anyway, at every joke he told, people were howling (or in the case of my primary school teacher, cackling) with laughter.

Whether I had heard them or not, his jokes were fantastic. He is completely different to the likes of Michael McIntyre and more an Irish version of Lee Evans, but less sweaty. His humour is some of the most observant one can hear and is thoroughly enjoyable. If you haven't heard any of his stand up before, then great, fantastic. Go and see him and you will laugh until your lungs hurt. If you have seen his material, and really liked it, then still go and see it, but you don't need someone like me patronising you and telling you what you already know. The man is a genius, even if he may not sound or look it.

Exactly two months later, on the final day of November, I went to see Jeremy Hardy with the same friend. This was slightly new territory for me. Previously I've only really seen comedians that I have watched or listened too and really enjoyed. I've heard him a little bit on Radio 4 and seen him on occasion on Qi. I liked what I'd seen, so I was looking forward to it. Me and my friend did seem to drastically bring down the average age of the audience however. I could easily say I was the youngest person in the audience, being just a mere 18.5 years old.

30th of November was the first day of the 'treacherous' snow in Kent, so it started half hour late due to him being a few hours late. This had put him in a bad mood. His comedy was more just satire. It was as if I had gone to University to do a degree in ranting; two, hour stints of him just standing on stage, lecturing us about the new ConDem Government, social media and lots more. He started off in an unplanned rant about the weather and the state of travel.

Just in case you do go and see him after he's had a miserable journey to your town, be warned, he is asthmatic. Never would I have thought that I would go to a comedy show to see a comedian need to use their asthma pump. Mind you, I never thought I would see a comedian ask the audience for a tissue, but he done that too. It is for those reasons as well as the intimate surroundings and relaxed attitude of the audience that I think this wasn't a stand up show. This was most definitely a man lecturing a group of a few hundred people about his views upon current politics.

Was Jeremy Hardy worth risking my life for to driving home at 11pm in the thick, icy snow on untreated roads? Yeah, I really enjoyed it. He was different to the other comedians purely because it seemed more conversational, albeit coming only from one side. Others do this whole routine that they have done time and time again. I'm sure that is what Jeremy done too, but it is less obvious. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

If you were putting a gun to my head and forcing me to pick one of the comedians I saw as a favourite, I would have to be shot; right in between the eyes. I couldn't pick. They are all completely different and unique in their different ways: Paul Zerdin with his puppets making rude innuendos, Ardal O'Hanlon with observational humour and one of my childhood heroes, and Jeremy Hardy with satirical lecturing. All were brilliant. However, made to choose between all the comedians I've seen in my life, I would still say Lee Mack, who I saw last year and reviewed in last year’s 'My Comedy Nights Reviewed' blog.

I have no idea what next year has install for me comedy wise, but so far, I know I am seeing Milton Jones again in January, so expect another blog reviewing that experience...

This Is Just Complete Horse Manure!

We all now live in a time where swearing isn't considered to be some exotic, taboo language, but instead to be something which we hear in everyday life in the street, on television or having quiet conversations in a coffee shop. The word 'fuck' now slips from the lips of almost everyone without intention and with no apology. It is just as much a normal word as 'dog', 'hat', 'sweet' or 'handkerchief'.

The King of sweary shouting: Gordon Ramsay. He's probably shouting at some poor bloke at this very minute...

Things are always described as being shit. Annoyance is almost always greeted with fuck. Disagreement comes with bollocks. Directed anger may even provoke a cunt, a bitch, a bitchy cunt or maybe even a bastard. I'm swearing a lot now. I suppose I should really be putting asterisks in replacement for vowels in the swear words, but what difference would that make. Is it then okay to swear is you put 'F*ck' then? No, I know what that says, and so do you. A swear word is still a swear word, with or without the asterisks.

I remember being younger and not saying the word 'crap' for fear of being told off. When I was younger, if a peer were to swear, they would be considered to be rebellious and maybe even cool. Now I'm older, everyone swears. Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck off. You get the gist. To swear has no real meaning. Years ago, if someone swore, you knew they were expressing a very strong emotion; most probably anger or frustration. It won't be long before it will considered okay to swear in coursework because it would have just lost all its meaning.

Swear words are uttered so much in society today, that to hear the word 'fuck' means nothing. I've so far said the word 'fuck' seven times, and I suspect only a small percentage will read that and flinch. Those are the people who will kid themselves into thinking they have some kind of moral high ground over the rest of us swearing people. This point has been proven by the South Park creators, who in one episode said the word 'shit' 160-odd times, to prove that when a swear word is repeated over and over again, it loses all of its impact and becomes another normal, boring word.

Either way, the progression of the word 'shit' intrigues me.

In literal terms, shit was considered to be a vulgar term for 'fecal matter' or excrement. It then became a slang term for something which was nonsense or to reflect someone's stupidity and is a word which is also used to reflect someone's surprise or anger. Someone who 'talks shit' is usually someone who is just very boastful or lies. They are rather negative terms. Now, there seems to have been some sort of turnaround in the meaning of 'shit'. I have regularly heard the word 'shit' to describe something positively. If someone describes to you something as being 'The Shit', then they are referring to it in a positive way and describing it as 'the greatest'. The term 'fucking shit' could probably mean anything these days.

An interesting titbit though: One of the first known use of the word 'shit' on British television comes from John Cleese in Monty Python. I hope he is proud of himself; he has given us this very versatile word which describes anything conceivable to the human mind.

Swearing is pretty much a constant thing on TV these days. The classic 'beep' on a television program also seems to carry just as much offense with it these days, with it being completely synonymise with a swear word. If you were watching some debate on the BBC between Andrew Marr and David Cameron, you would be offended that Cameron said something worth bleeping, despite what the word might have been. A beep brings more attention to it as well. As I have said, swearing has lost all meaning, so chances are if it wasn't bleeped, half the people wouldn't even notice it.

Swearing in pop music is also rather common place amongst the younger performers. In the radio edits of songs which contain swearing, the offending word is just usually replaced with a split second silence, which sticks out like a Fathers For Justice Protestor at a funeral. You can be not paying much attention, and then there is this short silence which captures your attention and yet again drags attention to the obscenity. Whereas, if they had just left the swear word in, we would have probably not paid the slightest bit of attention, and not been offended in the slightest way.

I think there is still a hint of immaturity amongst people who swear all the time, in that they think they are impressing and being fun. Much like the people who use Comic Sans 14, because they think not swearing, or using Time New Roman 12, is boring. I think using the font Comic San 14 just tells people you've given up trying to impress. What, you mean we're actually supposed to find you humorous now you're using Comic Sans?  You do realise people who make posters for Church Fêtes use Comic Sans, don't you? Yeah, you're just as much fun as they are!

So what is my personal opinion of swearing? Well, not that you care, but I'm apathetic towards it all really. I disagree with people using swear words the entire time, because there just really is no need for it. However, I think swearing is an important part of the English language for being able to convey a strong emotion or opinion that one might have. It creates versatility from having to just say 'really' or ‘very’ all the time. Maybe there needs to be a cap on swearing; twice a day? I mean, how many times a day do you really need to convey your anger? If you need to do it more than a few times a day, you have major problems and should consult a psychiatrist.

I know I swear a bit too much. Nowhere near as much as a lot of people do, but I do it too much. I have made active steps towards stopping this though. One of my favourite words was 'bullshit', so I have now replaced that with 'Horse Manure'; something a bit different and lightens the mood. For any other word, I now just say 'Profanity'. To call someone a name, I would know call them a 'complete and utter profanity' for example. I'm hoping to better myself.

Anyway, you can sod off now you bastards.

P.S. I mean that with the upmost respect...