"D'yew Ge' Me, Like? D'yew Know Wot I'm Sayin'?" No.

I'm going to University. Yeah, hark at me aye, all grown up and going into the big world of paying extortionate amounts in pounds sterling for an education and living away from Mummy and Daddy. I'll be in the mature World of paying for a TV license, gas bills, rent and buying Milk from Asda after shuffling around looking for food. All this while attempting to successfully pass a three-year joint-honours degree. And where am I going to University I hear you forgetting to care about? The University of East London. Yeah, not exactly one of the great classics such as Oxford or Cambridge, but you know, a degree is a degree.

My degree and my place of study don't seem to really match each other. When people ask (and they're asking a lot, repeatedly) 'Where you going and what you doing?' I have to tell them that a) I'm going to 'The University of East London', which, let's be honest, isn't the grandest and most inspirational of names; and I then have to tell them that b) I'm studying 'Journalism Studies with Creative and Professional Writing', which, let's be honest, is a pompous name and I feel guilty every single time I say the name of my course. I love it and I'm so excited and I'm itching and scratching wanting to start it now, but I always feel like I'm saying it like a statement that implies 'I'm better than you'. Why I feel that, I have absolutely no idea. I just feel that where ever I spread the knowledge of my degree, I'm leaving a trail of resentment, annoyance and snobbishness. But hey, at least I'm not Philosophy!

I've now made two trips to the area now, and, well, let's just say it doesn't resemble the cast of Oliver!, but the Olympics haven't brought a higher class of people to the area. I am yet to hear someone speak the native tongue of East London: Cockney. I am yet to hear someone say: "Awright geeezzaa! Hello an' welcome. Nice tit for tat yew got there! Sorted mate!"; which in plain English would mean "Hello and welcome. Nice hat you have there!" The language now is still sort of Cockney, but, like English, the young generation have played about with it.  Every sentence will, undoubtedly, contain the words "D'yew ge' me?", "Like" and "D'yew know wot I'm sayin'?" It has the elements of cockney, but I don't recognise it as cockney. You feel like turning around and saying 'YES, I do understand you! Gaaaaawd blimey; yer 'avin' a giraffe!"

My last journey into East London consisted of me parking in a Morrisons. I was sat by my car when a group of teenagers walked past and then hung around near me and my car. Unfortunately, I could hear their conversation, which consisted a lot of "D'yew ge' me?", "Like" and "D'yew know wot I'm sayin'?", with nouns chucked in to form something as reminiscent as a sentence. Surprisingly, it hasn't deterred me from attending there local University. I mean, it just gives me something to moan about, and God knows I love a good rant about society. Anyway, I am now going to share a rough transcript of the conversation. You can imagine it being performed as a sketch. You know, a Catherine Tate-like figure who repeatedly answers "D'yew know wot I'm sayin'?" to every question. If it helps.

Girl One: (whilst sobbing) I don' wanna talk to 'im, yew know? 'e really upset me like. 'e was like, really mean.

Girl Two: Awww, why you cryin'? Don' cry, 'e ain't worth it. 'e was really nasty dough!

Girl One: (While finishing sobbing) I know, like. 'e was really out of order, yew know what I'm sayin'?

Girl Three: Ar' yer, tot'lly.

Girl One: (With conviction) Yew two, like, gonna 'ave to choose between me an' 'im.

Girl Three: We choose yew 'course

Girl Two: Yer, we gotta stick together.

Girl One: 'e really upset me dough, I like, like this scarf an' I can't believe 'e wood dis it like dat. It cost me like two nin'y nine from Primark, D'yew get me, like?

Girl Two: Yer, tot'lly. I really like dat scarf.

Boy: Wot yew chattin'?

Girl Two: We ain't talking to yew!

Boy: (Huffs) I like, di'n't say dat I di'n't like it, d'yew ge' me? I jus' said she shuldn' wear it in summer. Yew know, it's hot like, d'yew know what I'm sayin'?

Girl One: Nar, yew said yew hated it. It cost me like two nin'y nine from Primark.

Boy: What!? D'yew ge' me? It nice scarf yer, but like, yew don' wear it in summer, yer? D'yew know what I'm sayin'?

It's just a load fickle rubbish they kept spewing out. They carried on late into mid-afternoon like that, but I didn't hear the rest of it because the long, open road home was awaiting me.

Anyway, I'll be going to live there in a few months, and I don't think I will be able to properly understand a single word which anyone says to me. I was hoping that maybe there was a Rosetta Stone CD that would teach me modern cockney, but there isn't. Anyway, so maybe Rosetta stone should consider making one. I mean, I'd buy one, and I'm sure I can't be the only one. My current languages consist of English, Sarcasm, a few little hints of French, and I would love to add fluent Cockney to that list. Not this new fangled Cockney because it’s just solely "D'yew ge' me?", "Like" and "D'yew know wot I'm sayin'?", but I want to be able to successfully use Cockney Rhyming Slang. A lot of people know 'Apples and pears' means 'stairs', ‘phone’ is ‘dog and bone’, and everyone knows 'Giraffe' is 'laugh'. Anyway, so I'll have three years to learn the lingo, then, I will write a blog consisted of only Rhyming slang for my East London hommies! (Don't hold me to that though)

Two of the best-known Cockney's: Chas and Dave

I'm not worried about picking up the accent and the slang however, because I'm very hard to influence. I'm quite an outcast from the 'Teenage Stereotype' from my local area. Every Friday and Monday, for example, a lot of people flock to one of the clubs in the local city, Canterbury. I don't. I'm 19, and I'm proud to say, I still not set foot in one. I have legally been able to enter one for 13 months now; I'm yet to do so. I have no plans to do so either. I have no problems with pubs; pubs are great. Some of my favourite conversations have occurred in pubs over a pint of larger and a shot, but, I don't like people enough for the clubbing scene. I don't like being with large groups of people, so why would I want to spend a few hours with drunk, sweaty and horny people with loud, banging music which I very much doubt is my type of music. I've listened to club remixes; they ruin perfectly good songs! Plus, a lot of 'Canterburians' use slang, and I've not picked them up. Well, I only use it to mock. Anyway, if I can survive that with little influence, I'm sure a few years in London's East End will be doddle.

And if not? Well, like I said, I’ll just have to moan and blog about it. However, you do have permission to either slap me incredibly hard or shoot me in the liver should I start using the lingo regularly and finish every sentence with 'D'yew get me, like?" It's what I would have wanted before the disease overpowered my immune system…

Now, you're in for a treat! Remember that transcript above? I've performed it as a skit. I know; lucky right! Anyway, I've joined the YouTube generation of 'vlogging' now. And here, is the, video! Enjoy!

http://youtu.be/eNKVHaOGKC4

The Other Way Is Sussex

Television isn't in a great place at the moment. There are moments when brilliance peers through, like the sun shining through occasional holes in the dark, rain-filled clouds of idiocy, but overall, only taboo language can successfully describe the light emitted from everyone's televisions. Dramas are, for the most part, relatively predictable and usually pretty boring these days. Comedy's are, for the most part, aimed at the stereotypically stupid and mentally disabled. Talent shows are, for the most part, fixed to give Simon Cowell media coverage and money. And documentaries; they seem to be choreographed to show the 'real lives' of the stereotypically stupid and horny, shown on ITV 2 and E4.

With television being mostly repeats, it's not so much a bother that the output is mainly crap, than it would have been 15 years ago before we had a huge selection of TV to choose from, but it is. With there being very little output of new shows, we need those shows to be brilliant, fantastic, sensational, inspiring and many other buzz words. Let's take comedies as an example. It's all a matter of opinion, I know, but comedy isn't funny.

I can think of three sitcoms in recent years, that have come from British television, which are reliably funny; Outnumbered (BBC 1), The IT Crowd (C4) and Not Going Out (BBC 1). The former is a great, part improvised, comedy with child actors to be jealous of and wish were your own children. It is the younger, funnier brother of My Family, in that most people can relate to it in one way or another. The IT Crowd is just written by one of our greatest comedy writers in current times; Graham Lineham, who created characters people emphasis with whilst laughing at, and has storylines that take the strangest of turns and can have a house of people cackling madly. The latter, Not Going Out, has those brilliant one lines that resonate and make you laugh louder the more you think about it and stay with you for a long time. The acting may not be anything special, but those lines make up for it. The BBC made a good choice when they decided to 'uncancel' it. Also, take Horrible Histories (CBBC), highly amusing and possibly one of the greatest current comedies, with it mixing intellect with witty sketches. The kids have it so good these days. I had an idea that they should create an adult version for a prime-time BBC 2 slot, but you know what, I think if they showed the CBBC episodes in the evening, it would be just as successful. Plus, people might actually learn something about the Romans, The Tudors and more importantly, The Stuarts! I loved those books when I was child, and turning it into a television show, albeit 10 years late, was a great idea.

The other sitcoms that keep spewing out are not reliably funny and can sometimes make you cringe and want to eat your own eyes and ears so you don't have to withstand another second of it. Anything on BBC 3 usually ticks that box. Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, which I hope is ironically named, is awful, disgusting and utterly vile. Coming of Age seems to think it has cleverly exaggerated the teenage stereotype with humorous consequences, but has instead created glaringly wretched characters with storylines so weak an Ant could beat it in a fight. We Are Klang, from 2009, with Greg Davies had some great ideas, but they were tearfully mistreated, and in the true style of BBC 3, unfunny and utterly cringe worthy.

My Family (BBC 1) should have been cancelled years ago. I used to really enjoy it when I was younger, but now I'm older, the show is older and the family are older, it just doesn't work anymore. Most people will agree that it went downhill when Nick (you know, the man from the BT Ads. He recently became a father and got married. We're all happy for the BT couple…) left the show. Now the children aren't children, it has failed to continue to be a family sitcom, which is were Outnumbered steps in and takes the reins. Everyone wave goodbye to the Harper family. Go on, wave! It's the final series. Toodles!

I come from the era of Ben Elton and Richard Curtis. Back in the days when they wrote comedy and when comedy was great. How can I watch comedy from 30 years ago and laugh harder than what I do at current sitcoms? Blackadder: Sarcastic brilliance. Fawlty Towers: Unbelievably angry humour. Monty Python: Mind-blowingly, erratically random, superbness. Not The Nine O'clock News: Fantastically satirical sketch show. One Foot In The Grave: Belly laughter with a dash of sentimentality. Anything with Ronnie Barker: Well he was just a linguistic genius. There are so, so, so many more. Why can't we make shows like them anymore? Who the bloody hell thought Mrs Brown's Boys (BBC 1) was funny? The audience laughed at the word 'Willy'. That is how bad comedy is; people found that show so funny, it's been commissioned a second series. The BBC 1 controller is robbing ME and YOU of brilliant, clever, witty, laugh out loud humour. How dare him! I will soon be paying my TV license to fund television atrocity such as that.

The God of our dear English language!

Soaps used to represent the real lives of real people. Sure, they exaggerated it a bit to make it more entertaining than mundane, but it still had the ingredients of real life. Now, they seem to have lost the recipe and are now just experimenting to try and give it a bit of a kick; and they ruined it. Coronation Street is the main culprit. A tram crash. Numerous explosions within the past year. Dead bodies buried and hidden everywhere. The placentas of illegitimate children cover the cobbles. Murderer's hide everywhere. What kind of street is this? The crime statistics of Coronation Street must be awful. Its surprising people move there. The writers need to be strung up and shot. The story lines are awful. Then, they're about to destroy the Rovers Return in a huge riot. These aren't stories to entertain, infuse and grab the viewers’ attentions while helping them forget their problems. It's not that anymore. Coronation Street used to be funny. Now, they're trying to turn the soap into a huge production; like they're The Bourne Ultimatum or something. It's ridiculous I tells ya!

Talent shows are now so unbearable to watch. Sure, they were not exactly the most entertaining or morally right shows on the box a few years ago, but now they're just ridiculous. I think Simon Cowell should now just go and live with his metaphorical mistress (America) and leave us (Britain) to move on and carry on life without him. He's either with us, or with those slutty Yanks. The same goes for Piers Morgan while we're on that topic. Keep them, we don't want them back. They're your problems now! Anyway, talent shows are on the way out, and they should just leave respectfully instead of kicking up an undignified fuss. Britain's Got Talent (ITV) is over, you don't need to import David Hasslehoff for us to realise that. Britain has very little talent, and dancing dogs are not part of it. The X Factor too has gone. It can never recover now the peoples' princess, Cheryl Cole, has had her public image tarnished in such a disrespectful way. A show with Gary Barlow, Kelly Rowland and Tulisa? Please, that sounds worse than an American chat show hosted by scared-ferret-in-a-suit, Piers Morgan.

Yet, for some reason, they won't let Big Brother die. Last year, it finished. This year, Channel 5 and that bastard Richard Desmond, have brought it back. Now, I also think reality television is, even if very slowly, dying. We all know that comebacks usually don't work. Take the band Blue; they came back and we still hate them. Take Michael Schumacher; he was World F1 champion, but since he returned last year, he hasn't even won a podium. There should be a general rule, which means should you chuck in the towel, you can never come back. That's the one positive thing about Jade Goody; she isn’t coming back! We don't seriously need Big Brother do we? It's always the same every year; a few gay, very bitchy men, in a house with a few idiotic slutty blonde men and women, a hip black man, a middle aged man trying to impress their child and a few people who resemble house plants and vacuums with gormless faces drawn on. Exactly, we don't need Big Brother!

Now, reality television shows are being replaced by ‘reality documentaries’. Big Fat Gypsy Weddings (C4) seemed to be the first to kick it off with its huge popularity. You know those novelty toilet brush covers from the 90's? The women in the show look just like them. It's just a way of making people who work hard all their life think 'How the hell can they do nothing with their lives and afford that wedding, when I work 5 days a week and think buying a pizza on a Friday is pushing the boat out!' It made you resent Gypsies even more; but not as much as the Gypsies you see in town forcing heather in tinfoil down people’s throats for £1.

The popular reality documentaries now, are The Only Way is Essex (ITV 2) and Made In Chelsea (E4), with a new show Geordie Shore (MTV) slowly gaining popularity. These three shows are the tackiest shows on British television, possibly ever.  I haven't watched them, but from the adverts and from what I've heard, these are the stupidest, sluttish, glamed-up freaks that we have ever seen. Big breasts, hair extensions and more make-up than the Avon catalogue; it's like Katie Price has been cloned, and then, they’ve spread them across the country and sent TV crews to film their integration into society. THEN, The Only Way Is Essex won a bloody BAFTA! This is the evidence that television is going down the drain. Society is going down with it, and we're drowning in that dirty bath water, urine, excrement and the stubble from the legs of females, and it'll get in your throat and, it just doesn’t bare thinking about.

So, a conclusion. There is very little comedy that is actually funny. Documentaries are not very informative. Dramas are very little in way of dramatic, apart from occasional glimpses of greatness on BBC 1. Reality hasn't shown the real lives of anyone recently. Soaps are competing with Hollywood films. Talent shows are just a way of showcases Simon Cowell's new facelift. And Gypsies; since when did they become popular?

Watching Doctor Who From Behind A Brick Wall

The word 'Epic' is chucked about far too much in these modern times, and so often describing the most modern, least 'epical' of objects. Rihanna's new song is not epic. A cheese sandwich with Worcestershire sauce is not epic. A well trimmed lawn is not epic. A leap-year is not epic. Noticing the time is 11:11 am is not epic. KitKat sharing packs are not epic. Payday is not epic. However, an 8 minute prog-rock classic from the 80's which contains an entire orchestra of instrument with deep, meaningful lyrics, is epic. A long classic poem which is celebratory of a beautiful orchid by one of the vintage romantic poets, is an epic. Climbing Mount Everest using just your fingernails, is epic. The mid-series finale of the Sixth series of Doctor Who, was epic.

We're now half way through the sixth series of Doctor Who since its return to this millennium, and we're half way through Matt Smith's second series as the famous, heroic Doctor. Critics have hailed this series as being too scary and too complicated. I disagree. Yes, it's scary and very dark at frequent moments. Sometime hiding behind the sofa just isn't enough and you have to run outside and hide behind the brick wall, but that's the charm of Doctor Who. Yes, it's complicated, but only is you're multitasking. If you sit down and watch without playing about on your phone or updating your status on Facebook, you will understand it without a problem. Television seems to no longer be a form of escapism for the common person, but instead a colourful and noisy background to peoples' Tweeting activities, with them able to occasionally glance up and still understand the entire plot of Coronation Street. Doctor Who is still very much in the escapism category. It forces you to sit down and enjoy it, and if you don’t, you won't get it. Simples.

Anyway, enough about the opinions of idiotic critics, and now my opinion; which is still critical and at times, very idiotic. I have been completely disappointed by this current series of Doctor Who, but still at the same time completely gripped and loving every second of it (I did say I was still very idiotic). I think I'm disappointed because of the series being split into two. Just as you've got into it, you're chucked back outside in the pouring rain and told to wait until the autumn before you can come back. I know why Moffat has chosen to do it, and I totally agree with his thinking, the epic cliff hanger, but that's the reason for my disappointment. Last year it took about 5 episodes for me to be completely engrossed. You can't have one KitKat finger without wanting the other immediately; and I have the same opinion on the Doctor Who scheduling.

The episodes have been completely and utterly brilliant so far, and the second half promises to be just as good. The first episode back is called 'Let's Kill Hitler' for Christ's sake. How can that not be a totally brilliant, mind-boggling episode?  Anyway, let's do a quick flick through the episodes thus far:

'The Impossible Astronaut' & 'The Day of the Moon'

The Silence: Classic Alien appearance but wearing suits.  What a great foe! Now children are scared of everything they cannot remember. Now every child is scared of every noise they ever hear. The power of Doctor Who is amazing. And The Doctor; from the future; he gets shot; and he dies; PERMANTELY! Given a Viking burial. What? Mind boggled within ten minutes. We still don't know what that's all about, but I think we can make a relatively safe assumption that it's a young River Song in the astronaut outfit who shoots him. It's hard to describe the entire plot quickly, what with so much happening, but it ends with River and The Doctor sharing a kiss, just after she's killed The Silence in a really showy-off way. Other way's we're gripped into the series is that we know Amy might or might not be pregnant and we're intrigued by who the mysterious 'Eye-Patched Lady' is. Oh, and who is River Song already? Both of these episodes were written by Moffat, Doctor Who Supremo. More about him later… (Yeah, I can do cliff hangers too!)

'The Curse of the Black Spot'

This was an episode written by Stephen Thompson. This is the man who wrote the Sherlock episode which I considered to be the weakest. Unfortunately, I carry the same opinion for this episode. It seemed very anti-climax, and just a bit ridiculous I felt. I liked the idea of the 'TARDIS trio' being on a pirate ship, and seeing Amy swing from the rope as a heroine, was very pleasing to me, but it was essentially just the personal discoveries of a ruthless pirate who becomes a good Dad; too happy for me. Not dark enough. It was brilliantly performed by all involved and cleverly put together.  However, a 17th century pirate having a space ship as the ending? No, I disliked that ending.

'The Doctor's Wife'

This is my favourite episode of the series so far, just for how fantastically brilliant the idea was. This was written by Neil Gaiman, a well known writer of Sci-fi, and you can tell he is a fan of Doctor Who just by all the references to the old series, within the episode. I like episodes that use Doctor Who history. Anyway, essentially the soul of the TARDIS is put into the body of an excited woman named Idris, played by Suranne Jones. This worried me as I have somehow gained an indescribable resentment against her, which puts me off watching anything she does. However, she was perfect and demonstrated a beautiful version of what the TARDIS would be like, if it possessed a body, being true to the personality we believe her to have. The scene between the TARDIS and The Doctor in the junkyard was a great piece of television I felt too when they were arguing. I loved the darkness between Rory and Amy while running through the TARDIS corridors too; worryingly scary, but still fantastic, especially with the return of the previous TARDIS 'Desktop'. There are just so many positives about this episode. You can tell that I was very enthused by this one.

'The Rebel Flesh' & 'The Almost People'

These two episodes failed to completely grip me, and I admit to not fully understanding the entirety of both episodes due to fumbling about with the phone I brought hours before the second of these episodes, but I think that due to the fact I was just a bit bored by how drawn out it was. It was written by Matthew Graham, writer of 'Fear Her', the episode with the 2012 Olympics, back in the days of Tennant. That was quiet a thought provoking episode, and so were these episodes, essentially addressing the issue of whether man-made life would have the same rights us, a debate which can bring about fierce thoughts, which were perfectly demonstrated by this episode however. A great idea, but I feel it was a bit stretched out for two episodes, but in the same sense, if the same story was told in one episode, I'd probably complain about it being squashed. I do like it when Doctor Who reveals the greatest monsters to be a threat to humans, is in fact us.

'A Good Man Goes To War'

This being the mid-series finale, which was written by Moffat. The title of this episode was kept a secret for as long as possible, to keep the finale as much a secret as possible, and I love how enthusiastic Moffat is about keeping as much a secret for the sake of the fans, but more on that a little later. This episode had it all really; fantastically huge twists, the resolution of storylines started earlier, the creation of new captive story lines, and a huge, epic cliff hanger. The biggest of them all being that Rory and Amy now have a child, which is part Time Lord due to the child being conceived on the TARDIS in a time vortex, and it is revealed at the brutal end of the episode that River Song is Melody; the child of Rory and Amy. How do they react? We'll wait and see. It was quite a clever way of including lots of different aliens in a story without having The Doctor defeat them again, and instead having them on his side; as an army. It was the Sci-fi version of David Cameron's Big Society.

Look they're shocked! But what happens next?

It was announced last week that the Daleks were taking a holiday from Doctor Who, because they are the 'most reliably defeated enemies in the Universe' according to Moffat, and indeed he is right. He knows what he's on about. However, I do ask the question: Why bother giving the Daleks a new paint job if you're not going to take them out for a ride and show them off for a bit? I just think they should have had one big finale, before they went away for a few years, like they do in the soaps. They'll make a character have an affair and then have a miscarriage before they disappear to Spain for seven years. Where was the Doctor Who equivalent to that? Anyway, I'm not complaining too much, because that finale was pretty damn epic.

Mind you, maybe that's in comparison to what was on the TV the week before? A week when ITV had the same schedule for the entire week: Two hours of what was apparently 'British talent', intercut with half hour of the blandest and most predictable storyline within Coronation Street. What happened to soaps representing real life? Maybe they made the finale seem even better? That was perfect scheduling on behalf of the BBC.

Now, for the paragraphs you've all been waiting for: Steven Moffat. I still firmly stick to my guns about him not being the greatest writer, which I had last year. However, that hasn't been so obvious this series because he seems to have uncovered the Holy Grail of writing a fantastic, gripping Doctor Who series. He has real enthusiasm for the show, which shines through whenever he gives interviews and even when you watch his episodes. You can tell how passionate he is about Doctor Who, in how he wants to keep everything a secret. The plot for the first two episodes was leaked by some 'fans' on the Internet, and this seemed to genuinely upset him, which I find so refreshing and rather endearing. He's just a normal guy living his dream.

The cliff hanger has now been brought back to both Doctor Who, and television in general. Coronation Street do cliff hangers, but you only have to wait half hour. The American's are able to create cliff hangers that last between one series and another. Us Brit's cannot do that. Well, excluding Moffat. Every episode this series has had a cliff hanger of some kind. Some cliff hangers from this series have been 'unhung' now, but some still continue, and more created. With each episode, you gained more subtle information to allow the audience to create their own, different opinions of what the cliff hanger will result in. This makes you tune in every Saturday without fail. Now we have cliff hangers which will remain 'hanging' until the September return. Steven Moffat is fast becoming one of the greatest things to happen to British Television.

Now, I just want to cover the characters; mainly Rory. I think he is possibly the greatest companion The Doctor has ever had. This is a man who has been killed several times, been erased from existence after saving The Doctor's life, turned into plastic (Autons) and guarded the Pandorica for 2000 years as a Roman. As a character, he is pretty damn brilliant. All this while being in the shadow of Amy. A much better duo than Rose and Micky, that's for sure.

He always has the same facial expression though...

And as for Matt Smith, yesterday it was announced that he would be returning for another series, so long may the 'TARDIS trio' remain intact. Mind you, I wonder what will happen now Amy and Rory have a baby. The Universe is not a safe place for a baby, even if she is half Time Lord. We will have to just wait for September for the final six episodes of this series. Three months. It's a long old wait...