This Is Just Complete Horse Manure!

We all now live in a time where swearing isn't considered to be some exotic, taboo language, but instead to be something which we hear in everyday life in the street, on television or having quiet conversations in a coffee shop. The word 'fuck' now slips from the lips of almost everyone without intention and with no apology. It is just as much a normal word as 'dog', 'hat', 'sweet' or 'handkerchief'.

The King of sweary shouting: Gordon Ramsay. He's probably shouting at some poor bloke at this very minute...

Things are always described as being shit. Annoyance is almost always greeted with fuck. Disagreement comes with bollocks. Directed anger may even provoke a cunt, a bitch, a bitchy cunt or maybe even a bastard. I'm swearing a lot now. I suppose I should really be putting asterisks in replacement for vowels in the swear words, but what difference would that make. Is it then okay to swear is you put 'F*ck' then? No, I know what that says, and so do you. A swear word is still a swear word, with or without the asterisks.

I remember being younger and not saying the word 'crap' for fear of being told off. When I was younger, if a peer were to swear, they would be considered to be rebellious and maybe even cool. Now I'm older, everyone swears. Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck off. You get the gist. To swear has no real meaning. Years ago, if someone swore, you knew they were expressing a very strong emotion; most probably anger or frustration. It won't be long before it will considered okay to swear in coursework because it would have just lost all its meaning.

Swear words are uttered so much in society today, that to hear the word 'fuck' means nothing. I've so far said the word 'fuck' seven times, and I suspect only a small percentage will read that and flinch. Those are the people who will kid themselves into thinking they have some kind of moral high ground over the rest of us swearing people. This point has been proven by the South Park creators, who in one episode said the word 'shit' 160-odd times, to prove that when a swear word is repeated over and over again, it loses all of its impact and becomes another normal, boring word.

Either way, the progression of the word 'shit' intrigues me.

In literal terms, shit was considered to be a vulgar term for 'fecal matter' or excrement. It then became a slang term for something which was nonsense or to reflect someone's stupidity and is a word which is also used to reflect someone's surprise or anger. Someone who 'talks shit' is usually someone who is just very boastful or lies. They are rather negative terms. Now, there seems to have been some sort of turnaround in the meaning of 'shit'. I have regularly heard the word 'shit' to describe something positively. If someone describes to you something as being 'The Shit', then they are referring to it in a positive way and describing it as 'the greatest'. The term 'fucking shit' could probably mean anything these days.

An interesting titbit though: One of the first known use of the word 'shit' on British television comes from John Cleese in Monty Python. I hope he is proud of himself; he has given us this very versatile word which describes anything conceivable to the human mind.

Swearing is pretty much a constant thing on TV these days. The classic 'beep' on a television program also seems to carry just as much offense with it these days, with it being completely synonymise with a swear word. If you were watching some debate on the BBC between Andrew Marr and David Cameron, you would be offended that Cameron said something worth bleeping, despite what the word might have been. A beep brings more attention to it as well. As I have said, swearing has lost all meaning, so chances are if it wasn't bleeped, half the people wouldn't even notice it.

Swearing in pop music is also rather common place amongst the younger performers. In the radio edits of songs which contain swearing, the offending word is just usually replaced with a split second silence, which sticks out like a Fathers For Justice Protestor at a funeral. You can be not paying much attention, and then there is this short silence which captures your attention and yet again drags attention to the obscenity. Whereas, if they had just left the swear word in, we would have probably not paid the slightest bit of attention, and not been offended in the slightest way.

I think there is still a hint of immaturity amongst people who swear all the time, in that they think they are impressing and being fun. Much like the people who use Comic Sans 14, because they think not swearing, or using Time New Roman 12, is boring. I think using the font Comic San 14 just tells people you've given up trying to impress. What, you mean we're actually supposed to find you humorous now you're using Comic Sans?  You do realise people who make posters for Church Fêtes use Comic Sans, don't you? Yeah, you're just as much fun as they are!

So what is my personal opinion of swearing? Well, not that you care, but I'm apathetic towards it all really. I disagree with people using swear words the entire time, because there just really is no need for it. However, I think swearing is an important part of the English language for being able to convey a strong emotion or opinion that one might have. It creates versatility from having to just say 'really' or ‘very’ all the time. Maybe there needs to be a cap on swearing; twice a day? I mean, how many times a day do you really need to convey your anger? If you need to do it more than a few times a day, you have major problems and should consult a psychiatrist.

I know I swear a bit too much. Nowhere near as much as a lot of people do, but I do it too much. I have made active steps towards stopping this though. One of my favourite words was 'bullshit', so I have now replaced that with 'Horse Manure'; something a bit different and lightens the mood. For any other word, I now just say 'Profanity'. To call someone a name, I would know call them a 'complete and utter profanity' for example. I'm hoping to better myself.

Anyway, you can sod off now you bastards.

P.S. I mean that with the upmost respect...

While My Life Slowly Slips Past, I Sleep

I don't entrust many tasks to my alarm clocks, but the ones I do, I expect it to do properly. In fact, my alarm clocks are actually only used for one task, once a day, 5 days a week. This is a job they have been designed solely to do. This job is to wake me up at a precise time. The problem is, no alarm clock seems to be able to actually do that task. Over the past six months, I could probably count how many times I've woken up successfully by, just my alarm clocks and with no help from other devices or human forms, on both my hands.

This has been a problem that I have suffered with most my life. I have had many alarm clocks and difference devices over the years to try and wake me up in the mornings, so I'm not late for what the day ahead has in store for me. For many years I had a Simpsons Alarm clock, which had different sayings said by Bart Simpson, which it would repeat until I pressed a button disguised as a drain cover. That has been sewn onto my soul for the rest of my life. There is an episode of The Simpsons where Bart shoots a bird. That episode includes two of the phrases which my alarm clock yelled every morning. Whenever I watch that episode, my brain automatically thinks I've over slept. I cannot watch that episode for that very reason.

I matured and then got two new alarm clocks. Not because I'm greedy, but just because I'm that useless at early mornings. One was a Science Museum clock which done lots of cool things and has what can only be described as a classic alarm clock sound. It has a button which projects the time to the ceiling and it can tell you the room temperature. This was my back-up clock which I would set to go off ten minutes after the first one to make sure I awoke. However, it barely works now and with various bits breaking, it is now only good for measuring the temperature.

The second alarm clock is equally over-designed. The only way to describe its physical appearance is to say that it is a Cyclopes' eye with a black baton impaled through the top of it. The bottom 'Cyclopes' part is a speaker, while the top 'impaled baton' part is a digital display of the time. It is a radio alarm clock. Due to the fact that it is tuned to Heart Radio and the fact that Heart Radio play the same playlist every morning, it is guaranteed that either a Lady Gaga or Take That song will be played when the alarm is set to go off. It has a good feature that to make it snooze, you just push the alarm clock due to the fact it rolls about on the 'eye'/speaker.

The problem is, 5 years later, that doesn't wake me up anymore. I will happily just sleep through the mindless jabbering of the breakfast hosts - no matter how high I set the volume. I had to stop having it on loud because I would wake up with a pounding headache. This means there is no hope of me waking up. I have tried other ways around this problem. For example, I have a speaker pillow. A nifty product I brought a while ago from Hawkins Bazaar. I plug my iPod into it and set the alarm on my iPod. When set properly, it works a treat. When it isn't, I'll just carry on sleeping. You have to make sure the volume is up high, and you have to make sure to exit all the menus for the alarm to be set. Not a reliable way of waking up when controlled by a man with a bad memory and not enough common sense to set an alarm clock.

I have tried using my phone's alarm. This works. However, it is highly annoying and when I use this method, I undoubtedly wake up in a foul mood. Also, in a way reminiscent of The Simpsons alarm clock, when I hear the tone I have on my phone in everyday life, I get in an awful panic and bumble about like an idiot for a few seconds. I have a Samsung, and my alarm tone is the default Samsung tone. So, I can be walking down the street and someone's phone will go off, or I can be watching TV, and someone's phone will go off on Coronation Street and the bumbling fool within is released.  It is as if my alarm clocks hypnotise me.

Now, my alarm is set to 7am, but I don't think I have actually woken up at that time in many years. My phone alarm is set to 7:30am. I will always wake up at this point. However, if I don't stop it quickly, it grates against my mind and the longer it goes on for, the worse my mood. This is where the Snooze feature on my phone comes in handy. Every 3 minutes it will go off until finally it will annoy me so much, I just get out of bed. However, sometimes I can carry on this charade for half an hour, just every 3 minutes putting it onto snooze. Before you know it, its 8am and I have to leave for school in 20 minutes.

It seems the key to waking me up is to repeat an annoying sound over and over again until finally I crack and wake up in a fit of rage. The problem with that method is that I am left in that mood the rest of the day. I thought I could just get a normal, basic alarm clock which will annoy me every morning, thus waking me up, but I don't like the idea of being annoyed every morning now. Then I thought I could get an alarm clock which I could dock my iPod into, and I then create a playlist with loud songs which I like. What a great way to enter the day; but I'm not sure it is actually annoying enough to wake me up.

However, just to be annoying; if someone rings the house phone or texts me on my mobile, I will wake up and be alert instantly. I suppose that means if I worked in a call centre, there would be no problems with me missing phone calls whenever I had a kip.

So here, I face a conundrum. Do I get an alarm clock to really piss me off? Do I get an alarm clock which will ease me into the day with a smile, but possibly not work? Or, do I pay a very reliable person to phone or text me every morning at 7:30am?

P.S. I just want to say, if you are reading this blog as a result of me applying for a job at your humble company, I am reliable and never late, despite everything I just typed... Also, I can make a mean cup of tea!