Maybe I Should Say Hello and Introduce Myself Finally... Part One

Well, If you haven’t worked out by now, I am Stuart and if you hadn’t noticed, I’m a bit of a cynical cunt, to put it politely anyway, and I find a lot to rant and moan about in today’s society and the general public in general. If I was Prime minister, I would do things differently, that is for sure.

One thing I do not like about society is the Media, which is hypocritical really, considering that I would quite like to have a career in the media – as a journalist maybe. The way they turn and twist things around, so they make people look a hell of a lot worse than they do already is an example. Another example is how they document the lives of people, who have no reason to be famous. A name that comes to mind is Jade Goody. Her talent is being a bitch and a chav, although now she’s shaken off the negative image and now the papers all feel sorry for her.

At this point, I could turn around and say that I’m going to go in the media career and completely change it into a respectable career to be associated with – but I won’t. If I even do get into journalism, the chances of me having an impact in anything other than what order to put words in, is very unlikely.

There are two avenues I feel you can go down in journalism. You either go down the Piers Morgan route and become hated widespread over the UK and in the USA, and yet be one of the highest paid ‘personalities’ and have a major impact in pretty much everything in the media.
The other route is go down being lesser known, and yet being respected. Well I say respected, I mean popular, but anyway – the Charlie Brooker route. He’s a cynical cunt and I like that. He is rather popular and has a ‘high-brow’ show on BBC 4, as well as writing columns for numerous national papers, and still having time to update his Twitter. I believe, given the choice, I would pick route B, Charlie Brooker.

So that’s my hypocritical career planned.
Next is onto planning my lonely hearts advert...
I’ll type again tomorrow. XX

Newsreaders, Reading Gossip Magazines

The latest ‘trend’ amongst the serious ‘newsreaders’ is to essentially, pick up a copy of The Sun and OK magazine and just read it out. Who cares about the fires in Australia killing over 200 people, or 45 people dying in a plane crash in America, or even the Credit Crunch – that was so last year. No, the things everyone wants to know about it are 13 year old fathers, who aren’t the father and dying celebrities getting married.

What happened to the days when you turned on the TV and 6PM or 10PM or whenever and heard about important stuff that affects the day to day lives of normal folk? I’ll tell you what happened; we harnessed the power of 24 hour news, and decided to repeat 15 minutes of news, over and over again.

They ran out of stuff to say, so they picked up The Sun and some ‘clever’ spark thought, “We could make the news longer by telling people gossip instead of telling them about Russia turning of our Gas.” So now when the news is on, we get told which celebrities are getting divorced, and get breaking news on the American women who had octuplets.

You may recognise the woman in the picture above as Mika Brzezinski from a few years ago. She is the newsreader who refused to read the story about Paris Hilton coming out of prison and set fire to her script in protest. She is one of the people who helps believe that there is still hope for the human race; there are newsreaders that will stand up and say no to nonsense news! And I thank her.

At the moment, when you turn the TV on, the headline news is either about Jade Goody’s cancer (see yesterdays blog for more details), and 13 year old boys who claim to be the father of a 16 year olds child, as well as two other boys. She’s a slut essentially, just get over it. There is no need to spark another debate on whether children are educated enough about sex. If that teenager is going to have sex, then they will have sex, it won’t matter that when they were 10 they got told that ‘Unprotected sex leads to STD’s and babies’. Another story (which involves Twitter), is that Lily Allen and Parez Hilton (whoever he is) are having an argument over the modern blogging phenomenon – Twitter.

Then after that load of nonsense, the newsreader turns around and says ‘In other news’, where he or she will tell us something important finally, which is usually connected to either terrorism, credit crunch or some member of parliament getting up to certain ‘shenanigans’. This is the stuff we want to know.

I mean what will be next? Will I turn on the evening news with the headline story being; ‘Breaking News - Michael Jackson reveals colour of his penis. Find out which colour, after the break.’
You never know, weirder things have happened.

‘Z-lebrities’ In Need (of Sympathy)

Unless you are a tortoise who has come out of hibernation early, you are most probably aware of Jade Goody’s new reason to have the media spot light. The racism has blown away, and the perfume and finally dried up and meant men are now aloud to smell women again without catching some disease. As you are aware, she has ‘Cancer’.

Now you may be asking why I put ‘Cancer’ in apostrophes. It’s not because I’m implying she hasn’t got cancer, because that is out of taste, even for her, but maybe it’s being played up a bit to make it sound worse. The news today is that she is getting married on Sunday to her fiancée, which sounds very sweet – wanting to spend the rest of her (short) life with him; until you find out she is selling the pictures to a magazine for a lot of money. I don’t remember the amount, mainly because I don’t care.

So, she is getting no sympathy from me. She is no different to the thousands, probably millions of people who are diagnosed with cancer, which is terminal. So why should she be treated any different, just because she was on Big Brother in 2002. I’m not trying to make light of the situation, I just find it annoying that she gets all this attention from us because she has cancer, when there are many women with identical cases who don’t even get a mention in their local paper, let alone headline news on the BBC news.

Although, I will say this, as a lot of people have, I do have sympathy for her children. Not only for having her as a mother, but also the fact they will lose their mother. No-one deserves that.

Then there is Michael Jackson. Who, last I heard, has MRSA, which is from his latest nose job. Now, if you think about it, he brought it on himself. He looks dead already, so would we really notice the difference? The MRSA is apparently flesh eating, which will mean his eerily white skin will be gone. Although I’m sure he’ll make sure he gets it back.

It’s times like this when you think that there is a God(s). He/She has finally had enough of people changing the way they look and being total bitches. So he is getting his revenge, in what my Nan would say, ‘God doesn’t pay his debts in money’. This does lead you to believe, if he did, the credit crunch would be solved, but anyway, I’m getting off the subject.

The question I want to know, and I’m sure a lot of you want to know; What colour is Michael Jackson's penis? Black or White?
Or actually, does he even have a penis?

Let’s Get, Twittering... Twittering

In case you are one of the few left who doesn’t know what Twitter is, it basically is yet another online social networking website, which essentially lets you write a question, pondering, or whatever you want, in 140 characters. A good quote I read this week was in The Guardian by a Mr Charlie Brooker who said that Twitter is the online equivalent of popping bubble wrap.

Twitter has been getting lots of media converge lately with the snow storms being experienced over here in the UK, and also because a TV star (Stephen Fry), got stuck in a lift, and spent his time ‘Twittering’. Thus boosting Twitter into the starlight, and helped remind me that I had made an account a few weeks earlier.

It is amazing how many celebrities are on Twitter. I had a moment earlier where I went through and added comedians I know. It ranges from Jonathan ‘Woss’, Stephen Fry, Jimmy Carr, Tim Minchin, John Cleese and many others, but they are to name some I am following. I do however have one friend on here, which amongst all the celebrities, looks a little weird, but it makes him look big and famous.

He has returned the favour, and is following me, as are two other people, who I have never heard of, and probably never will. So I feel I have succeeded at it already. The world shall know of my on going’s and thoughts. If I say something random during the day, I shall add it to my Twitter. I am going to try and say one thing every day, which has a bit of humour. I may stuff it up sooner or later, but I think this could be something I get addicted to.

Twitter though, to sum it up in one simile, is like a proud stalker. You follow someone, throughout their day-to-day lives, but you are very open about it. You are basically shouting to them, 'I'm following you!' and there is nothing they can do about it. Well they can block you, but thats about it.

To me though, it is basically Facebook, without all garbage. You essentially just put in your status update, and read others. But I’m not going to deny, it is interesting to see what celebrities are up to, for instance as I’m typing this, Graham Linehan (writer of things like Father Ted and IT Crowd) is playing online poker. The life of a comedy writer is bloody interesting.

The gobbledegook used at Twitter as well are... interesting. Just like Facebook ones, if you have a Facebook profile, you are a ‘Facebooker’. You ‘Tweet’ when you write something and having an account means you are ‘Twittering’.

So, if you want to add me, my profile is at http://twitter.com/MrStuy.

Toodles m’dears and I’ll try not to leave so long before I write another blog.
Stuy

Oh, You Rebels!

You may have noticed those things between programs and during the program, called adverts. They’ve been around for a while, advertising double glazing by shouting at you, spot creams with Vanessa Hudgen’s telling you she’s stressed, Piers Morgan being a twat and saying M&S food is okay, and the latest trend – rock stars and big Hollywood stars advertising insurance.

Namely two insurance companies; Norwich Union (which if you didn’t know is changing its name to Aviva), and Swift Cover. During these times of an economic downturn with banks queuing up to be bailed out by the government, it’s good to know that the insurance companies can still afford big names to advertise them.

Norwich Union have a whole cast of big names, costing them £9 million, with Alice Cooper, Bruce Willis, Dame Edna Everage, Ringo Star and Elle Macpherson. They all asked themselves what would have happened if they hadn’t changed their name. Dame Edna Everage is a bit random though don’t you think? Oh, and just so you know, Norwich Union is not changing their name to get international fame, but purely because they’ve been brought by a company abroad, who have no idea where Norwich is.

Swift Cover responds with a grotesque advert where we join Iggy Pop, with a bear torso, telling me that he is concerned about his insurance, Swift Cover are the best, and therefore we should all run to the phone and change our insurance to Swift Cover. Isn’t is good to know that rock stars have moved on from the times they rebelled, and now make sure they have full comprehensive insurance on their mansions, tour buses and 19 year old girlfriends.

Then Direct Line come along and go, ‘We don’t need a big star to advertise us’, then turned on Dave, and chose two people at random. The lucky fellows chosen were the comic geniuses, Paul Merton and Stephen Fry. I personally prefer this advert, maybe because it’s not so ‘in your face’ and maybe because they’re two of my favorite comedians. You’ll never know.

The point is though, do we really need a host of giant names to get our attention, or will two normal folks have the same effect? Well, we have our own opinions.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well, that seems to be the traditional way of starting conversations and what-not, by wishing the other person a happy new year, full of prosper, enjoyment, happiness, love and then make a joke about how quick the previous year went.
‘Can you believe 2008 has gone so quick? It feels like only yesterday I was eating an Easter egg!’

Another traditional thing people do at the end/start of a year, is to set themselves targets to improve themselves in their eyes. Some you find give up within a week or two, others last a bit longer, maybe in to February and some may actually succeed and last the year without biting their nails. These are what people call a ‘New Year’s Resolution’.
I fit into none of these categories. I don’t bother with New Year’s resolutions. Not because I think I am perfect, far from it in fact. I just feel there are other ways to fail and other ways to make you feel bad and depressed.

The most common resolution appears to be ‘Going on a diet’. Now, that really annoys me for a few reasons. One of the reasons is that everyone who goes on these diets, doesn’t need to. You look at these people, who go on the New Year’s diet, and you think, ‘But you have nothing to lose you skinny girl!’ The people, who should go on a diet, are the people who say ‘Oh, my New Year’s resolution is to stop swearing’. Your immediate reaction is to swear at them for being so stupid. It is ridiculous. Another thing about the New Year’s resolutions that annoys me is the people who make a giant list of things they feel they need to achieve to better themselves. No one can be that unperfected.

What I do is set myself rules. You may be saying that is exactly the same as a New Year’s resolution, well it isn’t. One of my rules for this year is to stay happy, and try not to let anything get me down and stay positive. See the glass as half full, some people may say. This for me is a vital rule, as I am very good at getting myself depressed, over something silly like a butterfly, flying away from me and leaving me by myself, for a moth. That’s it for me, there is no need to bombard myself with rules.

Although, because I’m against resolutions, it doesn’t mean I don’t wish everyone the best of luck with theirs, because I do. Whatever makes you feel happier is worth doing in my opinion, even if other people don’t agree with it. So, that is my philosophical ending, and I hope you take notice of it!
I hope you have a good year, and continue to not read my blogs.

The Stuart Awards for 2008

Well, just to start off, I’m only doing this because I can, and no awards will be given to anyone, due to the credit crunch. That really would have changed the Oscars this year if they had said that.

So, I’ll start with music.
Most annoying song of the year has to be: Katy Perry’s I Kissed A Girl.I mean get over it. You kissed a girl, then you thought, that wasn’t too bad. The video to her next song ‘Hot and Cold’ is of her getting married to a guy, so we can work out from that, she is in fact bisexual.
Song of the year for me would be Coldplay’s Violet Hill. No particular reason, it’s just the song I’ve listened to the most this year.
Going by that same logic, my Album of the year is Guillemots with their album 'Red'. It has lots of great tracks on it, and different to a lot of music this year. I suggest you buy it.
My favourite song of the year, which was released many years ago, goes to 2 different bands. Until June with Sleepless, and Third Eye Blind with Blinded (When I See You). Neither of which I expect you have heard of, but have a listen if you can. Try YouTube.

Next to Film
Well no awards for guessing who this award goes to – Most annoying film of the year goes to High School Musical 3. For all the joy it has brought to millions of children, and teenagers who are obsessed with Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgins.
My favourite film of the year is a surprise. I’m giving it to ‘The Dark Knight’. Was a truly brilliant film, which I thought I wouldn’t like. Mainly I liked it for Heath Ledger’s turn as the Joker. I would have given it to ‘Wall-E’, but the fact is I enjoyed the little short film with the magician’s rabbit, which was on first, more.

Then there was TV
Sitcom of the year goes to ‘Outnumbered’ on BBC 1. Hilarious performances by Hugh Dennis and Clair Skinner, although out shinned by the child actors, with their genius spontaneity. Mainly though, they get it because the child actors aren’t acting, which gives it that edge of reality.
Overall British comedy show of the year could go anywhere. It could go to Harry Hill’s TV Burp, or to Have I Got News For You, or it could venture to The IT Crowd or numerous other places. Therefore, no-one’s getting it. They can all share!!
American Comedy of the year, has to go to The Big Bang Theory. I don’t know what it is about the show I like, I just find it rather funny. Also they get the award for theme tune of the year, thanks to Barenaked Ladies singing it.
Worst show of the year, like every year, goes to Big Brother. I watched absolutely none of it this year, yet it still annoys me beyond belief with all the hype that has to accompany it.
Reality show of the year goes to The Family, purely for the fact they live near Canterbury, and is the most fame we’re going to get, apart from the Archbishop of Canterbury moaning about something else on the news.
Reality show contestant of the year, undoubtedly goes to George Takei, for coming third in I’m A Celebrity... and of course having his voice!

So onto science awards now
Most pointless scientific discovery goes to the scientist who spoke to a few people who knew Hitler, and came to the conclusion that he did actually only have one ball. Then concluded this could be the reason for him being a bit annoyed with the world.
Scientific scaremongering of the year goes to those in Switzerland, who said they would throw 2 particles at each other, quite fast to see what would happen. Either they would create a black hole or find out what happened at the start of everything. I’ve not heard the results let.

General Awards
Comeback of the year could go to Boyzone for releasing two rather good songs, but instead I think the Cadbury’s Whisper deserves it. How very tasty they are, I’m talking about Whisper’s not Boyzone.
Most idiotic person in Britain of the year goes to no other person than Gordon Brown. Has he actually done anything right yet? No is the answer you’re looking for. How can he bail out all the banks with billions of pounds, but can’t spare any for failing businesses like Woolworths?
Country of the year surprisingly goes to America, for managing to get over racism, and voting a black president into the white house. Well done.
Worst summer of the year goes to this summer. The summer of 2008, for being one of the shortest I can remember. The 3 month season was squashed in a few weeks, and the rest was overcast or raining.

Well that is it for this year, come back next year for The Stuart Awards – 2009.
Have a good one.

Let’s Delve Into My 2008

So 2008 is soon nearing its end, and as I’ve been ill lately, I’ve been reflecting over my year. It’s the time of year when we stand back and look at the year we’ve had and reflect on it so we can learn, and not make the same mistakes next year. So how has my year been? Well it varies.

Overall, I guess it has been a rather good year, but I still think 2007 was my favourite year to date. This year had had its up and its downs. I’ve been ecstatic and depressed, busy and bored, in and out of love, confused and intelligent, annoyed and cheerful, betrayed and trusted and also accomplished and disappointed. Also I missed out some great chances, which I will regret for a long time to come.

This year is full of things I regret. Things I regret saying, or not saying. Things I regret doing and more often – not doing. If I had a time machine I would defiantly go back to January 1st 2008 and start the entire year again. I do feel that this has been a waste of time, as I am going to end it exactly the same way I began it. If anything I’m actually ending the year worse than I started it. It’s those niggly bits that make you think ‘What If?’ ‘What If I hadn’t let myself be manipulated’, but then that leads to the question ‘What If I never found out they were all lies?’ ‘What if I had appreciated the things I had, when I had them, rather than miss the chance?’ ‘What if I wasn’t such a bastard?’

That’s another thing, this year I can conclude (all that an obvious conclusion) that there are a lot of liars about. Actually, not only liars, but bad liars. I mean if you’re going to lie, at least try and do it properly. I have been lied to on a number of occasions throughout the year, but then found out they were lies, without even trying, people make it all too easy these days.

This year did have the potential to be the best year ever, until next year, and I did pretty much stuff it up on every occasion I could find. Possibility of an argument, I’d be there. Potential opportunity to do a bit of bitching behind someone’s back, I’d participate and that is how the year progressed. Not the best way to go about your life.

There have been good things about this year, before you go thinking it was all bad and start feeling sorry for me. This year I discovered who my real friends are, and the people I can trust. This year I passed my GCSE’s, although that means nothing these days. This year I had a lot of fun. This year I discovered my full potential, for now at least. This year I actually haven’t told many lies, only the lies you do to protect someone. This year I got real close to people, but then also drifted far away from people, some of the people that meant the most.

You see, for me it was a year of many contrasts, and have been up and down so many times. Which is why it doesn’t beat 2007 as my best year. 2008 to me will be known as year I regretted.

Coming closer and closer is 2009, and I think it could be a rather good year. Next year see’s me turn 17 you know, which means the age of driving is approaching. Also next year, some other stuff will happen hopefully, which will make it more interesting. Maybe I’ll fall in love, or maybe I’ll win the lottery, or maybe I’ll just spend the year listening to my 120GB iPod, and look back at it this time next year and think how boring it was. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Woolworth-less and the End to the MFI Sale

The credit crunch has killed many businesses, mainly the smaller ones, but now the big, well known are falling fowl of the money problems we are facing and the two latest ones are Woolworths (one of the best loved and most known retail stores in Britain) and MFI (that furniture store). Woolworths have been around nearly a century and is the one company you’d least expect to go in administration. You would have thought it would be a safe company in invest in, but it just shows anything can happen.

If I had enough money I would make so much money out of all of this though. I would buy the two companies, and then sell all the stock at low prices, then sell all the property. Woolworths have over 800 stores, so that’s a good few million I could make out of that. If anyone wants to help me with my business venture, then you’re more than welcome. Although I know how we could save Woolworths. We should keep the ‘pick ‘n mix’, but put it up really high so that little children can’t steal the sweats. Also, they should rename it and call it ‘Pick one, and don’t mix!’ Well that’s my idea. I don’t suppose they’ll take my plan on board though.

MFI have also had to go into administration. Now that is their own fault if you ask me. Like other furniture stores, they constantly have sales on, and you can’t help but think, if they weren’t constantly doing sales they may actually have made some money, and stopped this from happening. Mind you, they have lots of huge stores and nice furniture so could make quite a bit of money out of them too. If only I was older and richer!

So the question is who will be next? We’ll have to wait and find out, it won’t be a long wait though, that I can promise you. Gordon Browns big idea to cut VAT and numerous other ideas may work when they are put into place, but I doubt it. Labour have really messed everything up haven’t they?

I’m A ‘Celebrity’... Save My Career!

I was thinking of calling the blog ‘I’m an OAP... Get Me Out Of Here’, but then I decided I can’t keep picking on Old Aged Pensioners. There are rather a lot of older people in the jungle this time though, isn’t there. I hope that ITV are fully ensured in case one of them breaks a hip or whatever.

I have quite a few problems with it this year, as I did last year, and that is the definition of Celebrity. I think it is given out far too easily these days. Why WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) are considered an occupation and a reason to be famous I will never know. The other thing is the fact that there is a guy in there whose only claim to fame is being gay really and the fact that once upon a time he was a top plod in Metropolitan police. How can they be considered reasons to be famous? Another thing is that I don’t know who half these people are, indicating their career is long gone, or the other half who I do know, but haven’t really heard anything about for a long time, also indicating the fact that their career is long gone.

Yet another thing that annoys me every single year, is the fact that none of them seemed to have ever watched the show before. Every year, and especially this year, all you hear is them being surprised over something which always happens. ‘We’re jumping out a plane?’ or ‘We’re being split up into groups?’ or most annoyingly ‘Do I have to eat that? It’s disgusting!’ It happens every year you morons. This is the eighth series now, and surely they must have watched at least some bits during that time.

There is one more reason why I hate I’m a Celebrity... is the general public. Every year we get 3 weeks of madness, although even when it is finished, all you get in the papers and magazines for weeks afterwards is ‘exclusives’ from every celebrity who appeared in it. So, for the three weeks at least, all you hear walking around is people saying ‘Did you watch I’m A Celebrity last night? OMG, did you see it when...’ and general stuff like that. It’s a waste of everyone evening if you ask me!

There is a good point though. And I find that Ant and Dec always seem to see me through the pain of being glued to the telly every night between 9 and 10. I don’t know how I’d cope if I didn’t have their cheeky jokes and puns. It would be nightmare. As long as they’re doing it though it will be successful, and ITV know that, so as soon as they want to stop, it won’t be able to carry on much longer with the same kind of popularity at least.

Now, I really do dislike Robert Kilroy Silks. I don’t know what it is, but I do hate him. I think he just a total t**t, there’s nothing else to him. That is how he made his career, and that is how his career will carry on I guess. The person I’m backing to win though is George Takei. He is the actor who used to appear in Star Trek, and probably makes him the most famous of the lot. He is 71, and I think that takes a lot of guts to do something like this at that age. Plus every time he opens his mouth I laugh because of his voice. All I can see the entire time he talks is him in a Star Trek costume. But you must remember, every time I support someone to win a show like this, they always loose, so I wouldn’t go putting any bets on him just yet.