Jade Goody: What A Smashing Year It Has Been Without Her!

It was a year ago today that Jade Goody went through those fiery gates of hell, with the molten lava flooding past her and the aroma of burnt sausages wafting around the place. I have a visual image of Hitler and Suddam Hussien holding a banner which says 'Welcome Jade Goody' at the entrance to hell, with the devil there himself, to personally welcome in his newest member to his community. With it being a Sunday, he would usually be taking a well-deserved break after a week of torturing, but after hearing about the work that this 'Goody' person had done above on Earth, he just had to meet her and congratulate her for her lifetime commitment to being annoying, loud-mouthed, media-attention-seeking, money hungry, bitch.

It seems time is not a healer, as a year later I still have this strong, and some might say 'negative' opinion towards the woman I affectionately call 'ARG, not her again'. The last week or so has been quite confusing and painful for me, thanks to her. The 22nd of March 2009 has been burnt onto my mind forever as one of the happiest days of my life and I also remember it as Mothers Day, so imagine my surprise when I found out just days before that Mothers day this year was a week earlier, on the 14th of March. I had to rush to Tesco's to buy my Mum a card and flowers, all because of that Jade Goody. I thought I was safe in the knowledge that Mothers Day would be the 21st, and that's not all.

Beyond the grave, I swear Jade Goody has not only attempted to make my Mum angry at me, but also to crash my car by cursing me with a bad leg, and also making me vomit myself to death by putting me under the spell of a virus which left me bid ridden for nearly three full days. All I suspect to stop me writing and publishing yet another anti-Goody blog. Maybe I am paranoid, but better luck next time.


I am glad Michael Jackson died last year as well, but not because I disliked him, because I didn't, but purely because it took the hype from Jade Goody. If it wasn't for him, 2009 would be the year that the people of Britain would remember as the year Jade Goody died, but thanks to his doctor killing him, he has become the big death of 2009. I bet Max Clifford was absolutely livid about it, and it is because of that image, I go to sleep happy, every single night.

There is a part in mind which is very suspicious of her whole death really, because who knows what lengths she would go to be famous and popular. Maybe she is dead, or maybe she is alive and living somewhere no-one knows of her and wouldn't recognise her (how I envy them). You may be reading this thinking 'That's a stupid idea; she isn't that idiotic and it wouldn't work'. Well, let me just remind you that this is a woman who pronounced East Anglia as 'East Angular' and thought that to be abroad. As for 'she would never get away with it', never underestimate the power that Max Clifford has.

Again, here is my paranoia (and my hatred) shinning through again, but I think it to be quite a coincidence that at the peak of her unpopularity for being a racist, she gets cancer, gains sympathy, becomes loved then dies before she can ruin it by saying yet another stupid thing. Maybe the reason I am suspicious that she could still be alive is that I miss her and want her to still be alive, because I do. I loved the days when all my Tweets were about how she had annoyed me, when all my blogs seemed to mention her and call her names and when I would come up with a new joke when I saw her face in a gossip magazine or newspaper which would either make my friends laugh or tell me 'that was harsh'. If she came back, imagine all the fun I could have with that.

Instead I have to live with Jade Goody being mentioned every single time Cervical Cancer is mentioned. Every time I read a newspaper or magazine article which is about Cervical Cancer, you can bet that her name is mentioned. Okay, I am aware that I have said this numerous times in many of my blogs and I am going to have to say it again: She done absolutely nothing of any worth. At no point during her illness did she campaign for young girls to get themselves checked out. Essentially, her dying was the best thing that could ever happen, because A) It cheered me up and B) It shocked people into getting themselves checked. All these girls only get themselves checked as a consequence of her dying, not because she tirelessly campaigned. It distresses and provokes me when people almost thank her for girls getting checked out.

Again, I should just reiterate, I am not glad she got cancer; as the cliché goes: I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. I have gone yet another year of witnessing the effects that cancer has upon people, with yet another relative biting the dust as a result of it. However, another relative has had cancer and is now perfectly healthy; it really is unpredictable. I have also seen friends deal with relatives that have cancer, and it is not a good thing, and hopefully soon they will find the cure AND not making it so expensive that no-one can actually afford to be cured, as is so often the case. However, I should reiterate one more thing, I still really, absolutely dislike Jade Goody; I'm not heartless and I am actually quite a genuinely nice person, but I nether had sympathy for her!


Last night on television, there was a tribute show to someone who died last year, which I enjoyed greatly and thought it very emotional and tastefully done. That was Boyzone's Tribute To Steven Gately (R.I.P). However, on last night at the same time was 'Jade: A Year Without Her' on Living TV. I found it funny that numerous people told me about this for weeks previous. I had people Tweeting me, sending me texts, I had an email and also people telling me when they saw me in person. I think it is a great tribute to how much I hated her and how much of an impression I made upon people by doing this. I almost feel pressured into writing this blog; like I am expected to insult her by everyone because of this persona I have created, and this makes me happy. I’ve got to be good at something.

Going back to the tribute, and I could not watch it. Not just because I risked being a hypocrite if I did as it would mean not living by my own values, but for technical reasons: I don't have Sky or Virgin Media so therefore couldn't watch it due lack of the actually channel. I did read the immediate reviews of it afterwards however and also read Tweets while the show was on, and from what I gathered it was what I would call 'Poppycock' and 'Balderdash'! It was apparently a very emotional program in which many people were in or nearly in tears at. I can't help but think these people are very pathetic. Also, she was portrayed as a brilliant person from what I could gather; shown as a fantastic parent to her two children and many people fell in love with her. Essentially, Max Clifford did a good job at achieving his aim.

Obviously, a tribute show of someone's life is not going to catalogue all the persons failings in chronological order, so this was expected, but I just find it amazing how easily people forget the bad things a person done when the media pretend they didn't happen. They clearly have taken all the positive stuff from her life, such as her kids, and based the majority of the show around them for ultimate sympathy from the audience. All-of-a-sudden, all the racism and stupidity is forgotten. A parallel to this happening to a person who is actually alive is Cheryl Cole, being portrayed as this princess of modern times and the role model for millions of girls and women; yet only a few years ago a toilet attendant in a club got beaten up by her. It is blooming annoying.

I am glad that is how they made the show; I think it to be quite fitting of how she lived her life really - a liar. Anyway, I know I will have to get over her death soon and just move on with my life. I know I will have to stop using her as my 'go-to-guy' when I need an easy target to insult in conversations, Tweets and blog posts, but it is just so very hard to move on. I have tried my best, what with Katie Price being an ideal and even easier target for my insults, especially with her not knowing who her husband was last week during her interview on This Morning (Thank Goody I was ill to see that), but it just is not the same. I have all these memories of when life was great and care free. The days when I could insult a women who was dying of cancer, and still get laugh, but now I just look desperate.

There are just three other things which fill me with joy about Jade Goody’s death and also about the anniversary. The first being that my lucky number has always been the number 27, and this was proved by the fact that Jade Goody died at the age of 27. Now, to me it is more than a lucky number - it is a holy, saintly number which will bring joy to me throughout my life.

The second is sweet taste I have in my mouth while typing this very sentence. In the news yesterday was that Jackiey Budden, the mother of Jade Goody, spent the days before her daughter's memorial service yesterday on a drink and drug-induced binge in Tenerife. It is all explained how Jade became such an awful human being, and proof that the entire family are just awful human beings and should be dropped into a giant crater and left to die, like that scene in the BFG at the end.

The third is that Jade Goody being dead essentially proves that - I won. I hated her and now she is dead. I win. Maybe I'll get lucky and Katie Price's left breast will implode and kill her. For now: Stuart 1, Pop Culture 0.

Oh, Goody...

The day has come, on Mothering Sunday 2009, Jade Goody, aged 27, died in her sleep after being diagnosed with cancer, what feels like years ago. So, I suppose you could call this my tribute to her and her extraordinary life in the public eye, which I think she defiantly earned. There may be a hint of sarcasm in there, but hey, it looks good on the preview thingy.

...In my blog I'll tell how she went from this

To this...

And finally, to this...

The story begins in series 3 (I think) of Big Brother in 2002. During that series, she became a target for the press, after showing her stupidity (plus more) in the BB house. Her lack of knowledge for, anything really was ridiculed in the press. A lot of people will remember when she was plastered in every paper nude, after a drunken night in the house - pictured above. This episode in her life, also gave everyone an insight into what was to follow – her being portrayed as ‘a bitch’, I believe the term is.

Then we had a few years of her being a celebrity. I’ve been informed that she had a chat show, but I don’t remember that, and I’m sure you don’t even, but she did do more than that. She had a few appearances in gossip magazines like Heat and OK!, but again, I doubt anyone really remembers them... She ran the London Marathon as well, but she didn’t finish because she collapsed after 20 miles, so that’s something else she failed on.
She then released her autobiography, so we could be informed of the terrible life she had as a child, and the terrible time she had in Big Brother and how she was misrepresented. To top it off, she released her own fragrance called ‘Shhh... Jade Goody’, there are so many jokes to be made about that, but I think you can probably work them out for yourselves.

Then we come to 2007, the cost controversial year for her before 2009. She went back on Celebrity Big Brother and that’s where it all kicked off... she was accused of being racist, which led to the whole nation hating her (even more than before), then Superdrug took her appropriately named perfume off the shelves, she then spent most the year grovelling to everyone, including India.

In 2008 was also a busy year for her, and she continued to apologise. She then released her second, appropriately named perfume range called ‘Controversial’ and released a second autobiography due to popular demand, all before she went on the Indian equivalent of Big Brother (Bigg Boss), before having to pull out, where she then found out she had cancer, and you know the story from there.
She then became a regular fixture on Living TV, with her TV series ‘Living With...’, she also sold her story to OK! Magazine, and got married and baptised in front of a camera and a reporter, and made quite a lot of money. If you refresh your memory though, you will find out that she never once gave a message to the public saying ‘Get yourself checked out for cancer’ or in any form made any attempt to increase the public’s knowledge of cancer, everything she done was purely for herself, so all this crap that she’s made thousands of young girls get themselves checked out, is actually a load of crap.

You can call me insensitive if you want, you can even call me a ‘Sad Little Boy’ like I have been called on Twitter due to my ‘sensitive’ comments, but at no point did I ever say I was glad she got cancer, and at no point have I said today I’m glad she’s dead. You see, I’m pretty well informed about cancer, and the effects it has on people and the emotional and physical stress it causes to those around them, not to mention the person with the cancer. My Nan has only recently recovered from her bowel cancer, which has taken her two years, and I’m glad to say ‘the tough cookie’ has survived. But now I have a great Aunt and a great Uncle who both have cancer and are currently going through all the chemotherapy stuff, and I know how hard it is for them.

If you know me, then you are more than aware of what annoys me the most about this Jade Goody story. It’s that Gordon Brown, along with most of the country, have been commending her on her bravery. Now, I don’t once remember him saying that about my Nan, and I very much doubt he’s going to say it about any other member of my family, or your family for that matter (without sounding too insensitive). And I’m sure if you live in or around Canterbury, you’ll be aware for the boy who died last week of cancer. I didn’t know him, but I’ve heard quite a lot about him, but then again, Gordon Brown hasn’t sent his condolences to his family.

So, why is Jade Goody any different to all these people? Why is she aloud to make thousands, if not millions of pounds, just for having cancer? She’s made such a huge fuss over her having cancer, and yet only last month, someone with a reason to be famous, died of cancer. That was Wendy Richards. Now, she literally spent all her last days increasing the awareness of cancer, and doing stuff for charity, and made a documentary about what she was going through. Although, not for the same reasons as Jade Goody. She didn’t do it for the money, she done it because she was an unselfish person who was a national treasure, as opposed to being the nations equivalent to Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

Now, cast your minds back to before Jade Goody got cancer... Did anyone like her? No, they didn’t, and this was because she was seen as another vulgar creation, made from ‘Reality TV’ who is a celebrity for no particular reason and having no talent. Another reason for no-one liking her was that she was seen as a ‘mouthy cow’. Then, her getting cancer changed everything, and became ‘a kind of Princess D from the wrong side of the tracks’ to quote Stephen Fry’s tweet on the subject.

While I’m on the subject to Twitter again, I’d like to mention all the responses I’ve had on there about stuff I’ve said about Jade Goody. You find that there are a lot of people on there who actually like her, and felt sorry for her, and defended her against all the cruel things I said about her. Although you do get the odd person who doesn’t feel whatever emotion the media tell them to feel. They say ‘Hate Jade Goody’, then everyone in the country will hate her, but as soon as they say ‘Have sympathy for her’, everyone will run around buying the latest addition of OK! Magazine and crying due to being pumped with so much sympathy. It is ridiculous. But anyway, the point I was about to make was that there are some people on Twitter who came along and defending me, to which I thank for not being as deluded as everyone else. Not everyone liked her, it has to be said, and I was one of them.

And to prove the point that not everyone likes her, someone has actually gone to all the effort of making a website called ‘isjadegoodydeadyet’, which would be updated when her health changes. And it currently says... ‘YES! (Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead!)’ However insensitive that is, you have to applaud them for having the guts to do so.

But I will say this about her, to stop myself from going to hell if you like. Everyone is going to have a different opinion of this. I wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone, ever, but the way you treat it, is the way you’ll be remembered. You choose how you remember her, but I will remember her as women, whose hunger for money and fame, and being in the media spotlight, was the making of her. How many people actually liked her before she got cancer?

And one more thing, if for some reason you feel the urge to to put flowers outside her house like everyone seems to be doing - Don't. Please give a donation to Cancer Research instead, it would be a hell of a lot more useful than flowers that will die.

So, yes, that was my rather large tribute to Jade Goody. I am expecting to get some response to this if anyone actually reads it. And all response are welcome, whether you want to complain or not.

I apologise for this blog being extremely long and biased, but I promise my next blog will be a lot shorter and easier to follow.
So until then, Toodles m’dearys...
xXXx

‘Z-lebrities’ In Need (of Sympathy)

Unless you are a tortoise who has come out of hibernation early, you are most probably aware of Jade Goody’s new reason to have the media spot light. The racism has blown away, and the perfume and finally dried up and meant men are now aloud to smell women again without catching some disease. As you are aware, she has ‘Cancer’.

Now you may be asking why I put ‘Cancer’ in apostrophes. It’s not because I’m implying she hasn’t got cancer, because that is out of taste, even for her, but maybe it’s being played up a bit to make it sound worse. The news today is that she is getting married on Sunday to her fiancée, which sounds very sweet – wanting to spend the rest of her (short) life with him; until you find out she is selling the pictures to a magazine for a lot of money. I don’t remember the amount, mainly because I don’t care.

So, she is getting no sympathy from me. She is no different to the thousands, probably millions of people who are diagnosed with cancer, which is terminal. So why should she be treated any different, just because she was on Big Brother in 2002. I’m not trying to make light of the situation, I just find it annoying that she gets all this attention from us because she has cancer, when there are many women with identical cases who don’t even get a mention in their local paper, let alone headline news on the BBC news.

Although, I will say this, as a lot of people have, I do have sympathy for her children. Not only for having her as a mother, but also the fact they will lose their mother. No-one deserves that.

Then there is Michael Jackson. Who, last I heard, has MRSA, which is from his latest nose job. Now, if you think about it, he brought it on himself. He looks dead already, so would we really notice the difference? The MRSA is apparently flesh eating, which will mean his eerily white skin will be gone. Although I’m sure he’ll make sure he gets it back.

It’s times like this when you think that there is a God(s). He/She has finally had enough of people changing the way they look and being total bitches. So he is getting his revenge, in what my Nan would say, ‘God doesn’t pay his debts in money’. This does lead you to believe, if he did, the credit crunch would be solved, but anyway, I’m getting off the subject.

The question I want to know, and I’m sure a lot of you want to know; What colour is Michael Jackson's penis? Black or White?
Or actually, does he even have a penis?