Jade Goody: What A Smashing Year It Has Been Without Her!

It was a year ago today that Jade Goody went through those fiery gates of hell, with the molten lava flooding past her and the aroma of burnt sausages wafting around the place. I have a visual image of Hitler and Suddam Hussien holding a banner which says 'Welcome Jade Goody' at the entrance to hell, with the devil there himself, to personally welcome in his newest member to his community. With it being a Sunday, he would usually be taking a well-deserved break after a week of torturing, but after hearing about the work that this 'Goody' person had done above on Earth, he just had to meet her and congratulate her for her lifetime commitment to being annoying, loud-mouthed, media-attention-seeking, money hungry, bitch.

It seems time is not a healer, as a year later I still have this strong, and some might say 'negative' opinion towards the woman I affectionately call 'ARG, not her again'. The last week or so has been quite confusing and painful for me, thanks to her. The 22nd of March 2009 has been burnt onto my mind forever as one of the happiest days of my life and I also remember it as Mothers Day, so imagine my surprise when I found out just days before that Mothers day this year was a week earlier, on the 14th of March. I had to rush to Tesco's to buy my Mum a card and flowers, all because of that Jade Goody. I thought I was safe in the knowledge that Mothers Day would be the 21st, and that's not all.

Beyond the grave, I swear Jade Goody has not only attempted to make my Mum angry at me, but also to crash my car by cursing me with a bad leg, and also making me vomit myself to death by putting me under the spell of a virus which left me bid ridden for nearly three full days. All I suspect to stop me writing and publishing yet another anti-Goody blog. Maybe I am paranoid, but better luck next time.


I am glad Michael Jackson died last year as well, but not because I disliked him, because I didn't, but purely because it took the hype from Jade Goody. If it wasn't for him, 2009 would be the year that the people of Britain would remember as the year Jade Goody died, but thanks to his doctor killing him, he has become the big death of 2009. I bet Max Clifford was absolutely livid about it, and it is because of that image, I go to sleep happy, every single night.

There is a part in mind which is very suspicious of her whole death really, because who knows what lengths she would go to be famous and popular. Maybe she is dead, or maybe she is alive and living somewhere no-one knows of her and wouldn't recognise her (how I envy them). You may be reading this thinking 'That's a stupid idea; she isn't that idiotic and it wouldn't work'. Well, let me just remind you that this is a woman who pronounced East Anglia as 'East Angular' and thought that to be abroad. As for 'she would never get away with it', never underestimate the power that Max Clifford has.

Again, here is my paranoia (and my hatred) shinning through again, but I think it to be quite a coincidence that at the peak of her unpopularity for being a racist, she gets cancer, gains sympathy, becomes loved then dies before she can ruin it by saying yet another stupid thing. Maybe the reason I am suspicious that she could still be alive is that I miss her and want her to still be alive, because I do. I loved the days when all my Tweets were about how she had annoyed me, when all my blogs seemed to mention her and call her names and when I would come up with a new joke when I saw her face in a gossip magazine or newspaper which would either make my friends laugh or tell me 'that was harsh'. If she came back, imagine all the fun I could have with that.

Instead I have to live with Jade Goody being mentioned every single time Cervical Cancer is mentioned. Every time I read a newspaper or magazine article which is about Cervical Cancer, you can bet that her name is mentioned. Okay, I am aware that I have said this numerous times in many of my blogs and I am going to have to say it again: She done absolutely nothing of any worth. At no point during her illness did she campaign for young girls to get themselves checked out. Essentially, her dying was the best thing that could ever happen, because A) It cheered me up and B) It shocked people into getting themselves checked. All these girls only get themselves checked as a consequence of her dying, not because she tirelessly campaigned. It distresses and provokes me when people almost thank her for girls getting checked out.

Again, I should just reiterate, I am not glad she got cancer; as the cliché goes: I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. I have gone yet another year of witnessing the effects that cancer has upon people, with yet another relative biting the dust as a result of it. However, another relative has had cancer and is now perfectly healthy; it really is unpredictable. I have also seen friends deal with relatives that have cancer, and it is not a good thing, and hopefully soon they will find the cure AND not making it so expensive that no-one can actually afford to be cured, as is so often the case. However, I should reiterate one more thing, I still really, absolutely dislike Jade Goody; I'm not heartless and I am actually quite a genuinely nice person, but I nether had sympathy for her!


Last night on television, there was a tribute show to someone who died last year, which I enjoyed greatly and thought it very emotional and tastefully done. That was Boyzone's Tribute To Steven Gately (R.I.P). However, on last night at the same time was 'Jade: A Year Without Her' on Living TV. I found it funny that numerous people told me about this for weeks previous. I had people Tweeting me, sending me texts, I had an email and also people telling me when they saw me in person. I think it is a great tribute to how much I hated her and how much of an impression I made upon people by doing this. I almost feel pressured into writing this blog; like I am expected to insult her by everyone because of this persona I have created, and this makes me happy. I’ve got to be good at something.

Going back to the tribute, and I could not watch it. Not just because I risked being a hypocrite if I did as it would mean not living by my own values, but for technical reasons: I don't have Sky or Virgin Media so therefore couldn't watch it due lack of the actually channel. I did read the immediate reviews of it afterwards however and also read Tweets while the show was on, and from what I gathered it was what I would call 'Poppycock' and 'Balderdash'! It was apparently a very emotional program in which many people were in or nearly in tears at. I can't help but think these people are very pathetic. Also, she was portrayed as a brilliant person from what I could gather; shown as a fantastic parent to her two children and many people fell in love with her. Essentially, Max Clifford did a good job at achieving his aim.

Obviously, a tribute show of someone's life is not going to catalogue all the persons failings in chronological order, so this was expected, but I just find it amazing how easily people forget the bad things a person done when the media pretend they didn't happen. They clearly have taken all the positive stuff from her life, such as her kids, and based the majority of the show around them for ultimate sympathy from the audience. All-of-a-sudden, all the racism and stupidity is forgotten. A parallel to this happening to a person who is actually alive is Cheryl Cole, being portrayed as this princess of modern times and the role model for millions of girls and women; yet only a few years ago a toilet attendant in a club got beaten up by her. It is blooming annoying.

I am glad that is how they made the show; I think it to be quite fitting of how she lived her life really - a liar. Anyway, I know I will have to get over her death soon and just move on with my life. I know I will have to stop using her as my 'go-to-guy' when I need an easy target to insult in conversations, Tweets and blog posts, but it is just so very hard to move on. I have tried my best, what with Katie Price being an ideal and even easier target for my insults, especially with her not knowing who her husband was last week during her interview on This Morning (Thank Goody I was ill to see that), but it just is not the same. I have all these memories of when life was great and care free. The days when I could insult a women who was dying of cancer, and still get laugh, but now I just look desperate.

There are just three other things which fill me with joy about Jade Goody’s death and also about the anniversary. The first being that my lucky number has always been the number 27, and this was proved by the fact that Jade Goody died at the age of 27. Now, to me it is more than a lucky number - it is a holy, saintly number which will bring joy to me throughout my life.

The second is sweet taste I have in my mouth while typing this very sentence. In the news yesterday was that Jackiey Budden, the mother of Jade Goody, spent the days before her daughter's memorial service yesterday on a drink and drug-induced binge in Tenerife. It is all explained how Jade became such an awful human being, and proof that the entire family are just awful human beings and should be dropped into a giant crater and left to die, like that scene in the BFG at the end.

The third is that Jade Goody being dead essentially proves that - I won. I hated her and now she is dead. I win. Maybe I'll get lucky and Katie Price's left breast will implode and kill her. For now: Stuart 1, Pop Culture 0.

A Goody, Jackson And Gately Special

Okay, I had planned to do a Jade Goody special to remind ourselves of the times Jade Goody has been mentioned in my blogs, but with the recent death of Mr Steven Gately, I've decided to slightly alter the subject for this blog. It's now become a 'homage' to Jade Goody, Michael Jackson and Steven Gately, and guess what - Jade Goody still doesn't come across as a popular character.

My obsession with Jade Goody all started when she got cancer really. Before that she remained below my radar of annoyance, and I had apathetic feelings about her. Like I said though, this changed and I made it known. "She is getting no sympathy from me. She is no different to the thousands, probably millions of people are diagnosed with cancer, which is terminal. So why should she be treated any different, just because she was on Big Brother in 2002." That's been my main argument against her really.

I'm quite the angry person when I'm given a free hour or two, a laptop and a subject to write about, which I think has come spilling out whenever my mind has clicked onto 'Jade Goody Rant Mode'. It can be on a subject which is in no way related to her, but I can find a link if I want to, and I'll be sure to use that link! A majority of people have someone like that though, who they absolutely, 100%, categorically, hate - and Jade Goody was my equivalent to that. She just really irritated me while she had cancer - the one opportunity she had to gain sympathy, she ignored and just grabbed lots and lots of lovely money before she died.

After she died, she still irritated me. Like all celebrity deaths, the media manages to keep dragging on and on. Michael Parkinson's very negative comment a few weeks after she died was one way. The main reason Jade Goody’s death has been dragged on, was, and still is, her now widowed husband. First he was seen being upset, then getting angry and going to court then with young, attractive girls. Every time the words 'Jack Tweed' are written by a reporter or muttered by someone reading the news, it isn't long before Jade Goody is mentioned and we're reminded of images of flowers outside her house when she died and images of the bald women in a wheelchair, with tubes up her nose and children on her knee to squeeze a bit more sympathy out of us - the gullible public.

We've had the death of Michael Jackson which has dragged on and on and on and on and on and on. Jermain Jackson is creating a reality show in which he is in search of a young boy who can dance like MJ, and will soon be beamed onto our television sets. I'm not sure what he plans to do with this child, but that's an issue for NSPCC to deal with. We've also have the release of MJ's new song called 'This Is It', and isn't really that brilliant. It's like Man In The Mirror - really, it's what you'd call a classic Michael Jackson song, but because it's by Michael Jackson, as soon as it's released it'll be number one.
Then, more recently, the death of Steven Gately. He died just as surprisingly as MJ did, and caused many Irish women to cry. How many people do you think listened to Boyzone songs that day? Rather a lot I expect. First it was suspected of foul play with Gately and his partner being seen going home accompanied by a third man. What for, we don't know, and don't really want to know. It was later found out after an autopsy that he died of natural causes. We saw images of fans crying, we've seen Ronan Keating crying and we've seen Louis Walsh's chair left empty on the X-factor the past two weeks. We've also started to see a nation unite to complain against a journalist's article in Friday's 'Daily Mail'.

Jan Moir is the women who caused The Press Complaints Commission Website to crash due to the volume of people furious over the article. The article was so bad, it caused Charlie Brooker to write an article, slating her - and on a Friday as well! Having only skimmed through the article, and not read it properly, I can make out she's not fond of homosexuals. She seems to almost think that Gately's sexuality was the cause of him dying. A natural death she seems to think not. How she would know that, I don't know. I've looked on Wikipedia, and she's neither a doctor nor a pathologist. This article is so bad that it's become a police matter - somehow.

She links the recent death of ex-civil partner to Matt Lucas, Kevin McGee to Steven Gately’s surprise death, when really the only link is their sexuality and that they're now dead. According to her, gay people can't live a long and happy life and that it's almost inevitable that the homosexuals of the world will either die of unnatural causes - she isn't very specific of how - or commit suicide. I don't think she's going to be campaigning for gay rights any time soon or indeed be invited to any Boyzone gigs and will spat on by Irish women in the street.

It's this sort of thing though, which will make me grow bored of the story and slowly but surely, the hatred will grow. Just like Jade Goody and Michael Jackson, this story is going to continue on for a while. He's now 6 feet underground, and that should be the end, but because of this 'Journalist' Jan Moir, it's going to rage on for a few more weeks. It essentially, is going to become a printed form of the Ross and Brand fiasco with Andrew Sachs. People who have never read the article, are complaining saying they are offended they should here of such a thing. So well done Ms Moir, look what you've started! Mind you, it's this sort of thing which will turn her from a relatively unknown Journalist, to a well known one.
I'm making note on how to become a well known and famous Journalist - Just call everyone a bastard and complain about every little insignificant thing and eventually I'll be a house-hold name. So, technically I'm right on track, all I need now is to start working...

Who Decides The Importance of News Stories?

That is a question that I've always wanted to know the answer to, but more so in the recent few months, as I would like to meet the person to see if they really are a complete and utter idiot. The relevance of the story on the public and the world is how I would decide the importance, and is how you would expect them to be ordered. The news is now ordered in a way to grab an audience and compete against other news programs/channels for ratings. The recent Michael Jackson death is a good example of this.

Everyone loved Michael Jackson, that much has been made obvious to us over the past 5 days, and every day since his death it has been the main news headline. Did he die as a result of the drugs he was taking? Did he die because of the stress of his upcoming tour at the O2 Arena? Who will get custody of his children? These are the questions that the news programs have been answering before bomb attacks in Iraq are discussed, the still increasing Swine Flu cases and forgetting the death of Farrah Fawcett, who died the same day as Michael Jackson and was big news until Jackson died, then her dead corpse just got pushed to the back of the news headline to make way for the freshly decaying dead corpse of Michael Jackson.

Another example of similar news stories being ordered differently is the metro crash in America last week which killed 9 people, and the Spanish train that blew up and killed 13 people a few days ago. The metro crash was the news headline of the day, and lots of emotional people were interviewed to give their experience of the tragic accident. Whereas the train explosion in Spain, which had more casualties, barely got a mention on the news, apart from a few dramatic images which made it look like a scene from a Tom Cruise film.
In case you're not aware of this story, a cargo train full of flammable gases blew up as it went through a train station, and as well as killing 13 people and injuring many more, it turned the surrounding area into a small village that looked like it had been hit by a nuclear bomb. In comparison to two trains colliding, I think the incident in Spain is actually bigger news myself. Geographical positioning and the countries power is usually the contributor to whether something is headline news or whether it gets featured in a quick 20 second news round-up. A fatal accident in America will get much more media coverage than a fatal accident in a less powerful country like Spain, as showed in the recent news.
It even counts for news stories over in the United Kingdom. If someone gets stabbed in London, its headline news, and Gordon Brown comes on the TV and gives his condolences to the family and someone from Scotland Yard will give an update on suspects. If someone gets stabbed in Summerset, it would barely get covered by local news teams, and not the national news, that’s for sure. I know if they covered every stabbing, the first 20 minutes of every news report would be a list of deaths, but that is yet another example of some guy sitting in the ITN newsroom deciding what the public want to hear, and making a decision of whether something is important or not.

I can't have a moan at the media, without bringing up Jade Goody, who died a few months ago of cervical cancer. I'm sure you remember that, because all the gossip magazines have talked about since is her death and how Jack Tweed is coping with the loss. Just because she was in the media spotlight, we all decided that was more important than every other woman in the country who was dying or suffering with cervical cancer. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Numerous members of my family have had cancer, as have a lot of people’s families, and at no point did the prime minister call them brave, or Okay! Magazine never done a tribute to them. And why is she any different? All because she was on Big Brother.
People will argue that without her, thousands of women would never have had themselves checked out, but that was only because the media kept pushing the subject (something good had to come out of it all). At no point did Goody actively tell women to get themselves checked out. She did not die with dignity and it wasn't just her fault, it was the media's fault too. It was the fault of the news for constantly reminding us she was dying. And when she did die, we were shown footage of people crying and flowers being laid outside her house. That is why the death of Michael Jackson has been was compared to Goody's death; the constant media coverage after the death. Now it has become boring. What we need is Michael Jackson's body to spontaneously combust, destroying the whole of America to liven it up and make the story interesting again.

I'm not that sympathetic over celebrity deaths like Michael Jackson and Jade Goody, because people die every day. Maybe a Plumber from Leeds isn't as important as an American who has made a huge contribution to music or a women who has kept the tabloid papers and the gossip magazines in business, however they are still people, so why the news reporter can't just say 'Jade Goody has finally died... Now onto something more important - Barak Obama has just saved the world yet again, this time he managed to stop a meteor from colliding with the Earth.'

It can't all be blamed on the media though; it can also be blamed on you, the British public. It's because you've forced us to live in the world of celebrity, where all everyone seems to care about is either a celebrity’s personal life or who will be the next person to be evicted from the Big Brother house. And with written media dying out because of new technologies, the papers have had try harder to get readers. The Internet means people can access the news up to date, when they want and choose what they do and do not want to read/listen to and is also free.

The news today is concentrated on the recent hot weather. Announcing that today Kent was 4 Degrees Celsius warmer than the Caribbean. It's not a competition. I personally don't really care where we are hotter than, and everyone getting giddy at the thought that we are hotter than the Caribbean islands, but then I don't care about a lot of things on the news. Do I care that 4 people will serve a 44 years sentence between them for smuggling drugs into Britain? No. Do I really care that there is no prospect of a post office sell off? Not particularly. Do I even care that Gordon Brown insists he is honest about his expenses? Nope, couldn't give a flying monkeys (strange expression that).

So why do I even watch the news or buy the Guardian if I don't care about the news? I don't know really, because if I really want to know something, I would go onto the BBC website and have a look. That's sorted then, I won't watch the news again (for a while at least).

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

Just one more thing. Have a look at this video... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELyTBXzfQJ8 It appeals to me because it involves Hitler and is rather funny on the subject of Michael Jackson’s death. Have a look, you won’t regret.

BBC News 24 Say 'He Touched All Generations'

Have you heard? Well, there's this little rumour going around that Michael Jackson may have died from a Cardiac Arrest. There are so many jokes which I could say about Michael Jackson's life and subsequent death, but a majority of which are very inappropriate, and I won't lower myself to saying them, as a lot of people have done and instead I'm writing a blog to show a little bit of respect. I have decided that I am not going mention his recent history in the media, but shall stick to the good points about him and how he has been conveyed in the past 18 hours; well I will try my best anyway.

Let me just draw your attention to a blog I wrote in February entitled "'Z-lebrities' In Need (of Sympathy)" in which I moan about two people. Jade Goody and Michael Jackson, moaning about how they both try and get sympathy from the public through their health situations and now within 4 months both have died. It's only a coincidence, but it did seem I had created a hit list, or a list of people Max Clifford advisees.
Max Clifford was on BBC News 24 talking about MJ's death, and he managed to bring the conversation around to saying how brilliant Jade Goody was. When will people shut up about her? Anyway, I digress.

Everyone knows Michael Jackson, and a lot of people like his music, whether it's in the times of The Jackson 5 or whether he was black or white at the time of recording. He is an icon of pop music as the news keep telling us, and of course that is true. He has the biggest selling album, meaning he had a huge amount of money, but how to spend it? Numerous operations. He went from looking incredibly normal in his early days when he was still black in his Billie Jean and Thriller music videos, to looking like a complete and utter freak.

Some 18 hours later after the news first broke on Sky News and BBC News 24, it was still considered to be breaking news by the news channels and Sky's headline throughout has been very blunt - 'MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD'. There is only so much these news channels can say though, and it wasn't long before they started repeating themselves, and constantly telling us that he was dead and just showing helicopter footage of the hospital and a small crowd of people outside it, why the newsreaders kept saying how tragic this sudden death was and how it will affect millions across the world and Interviewing irrelevant people.
Both BBC and Sky News managed to get footage of the ambulance reversing out of the Jackson residence and then the dead body being put in a van and taken to a coroner. During the night they had interviews with people who vaguely knew him and had met him once or twice to tell their memories of him. Then it was time to round up the sobbing American idiots to ask how they felt of this tragic event. Most of them were crying and saying how they loved him so much. He seems to have some rather hardcore fans, that has to be said.

Since the news was first told to us about the death of Michael Jackson, that is all we have heard. News reports on the radio just simply say 'Michael Jackson has died from a cardiac arrest.' Forgetting the conflict in Iraq about the election results, or the babysitter who murdered a child and not paying any notice that Swine Flu outbreaks have increased substantially in the past 24 hours. Michael Jackson dying is the only piece of news we need to here, and has been compared to the likes of Elvis and John Lennon by the media. They were all icons of their times and all died early. Comparisons have even been found to Diana, and now you can't compare anything to Diana without comparing it to Jade Goody also - The peoples princess of the 21st Century so I keep being reminded. Anyway, I've digressed again.

Another thing that annoys me is the Americans and that they can be manipulated to feel anything. Should the media tell them to feel angry towards someone, then my goodness, they'll go around with a rather angry expression upon their faces. If the media tells them that to feel sad and cry over the death of a pop star, then they will go out into the streets and cry, then the media will capture them crying, and the most distressed looking one will be put on TV to show the emotions in an exaggerated form. Rather ridiculous looking, well from the point of view of a cynical man anyway.

Gordon Brown can never resist commenting on events like these, so he comes along and says it's upsetting news, and then in a bid to outdo him, David Cameron comments on it saying that he grew up listening to Michael Jackson, to make his connection to the public and make him seem like a normal guy. Then we get introduced to a face we haven't seen since he appeared on I'm A Celebrity... Good friend, Uri Geller. Telling us how Michael Jackson was a misunderstood soul and reminding us that he was upset, with a smile on his face. Probably because he hasn't been on TV for such a long time. In between all these pointless interviews with pointless people giving their pointless opinions, the news channels kept spontaneously changing to a music channel, who seemed to have Michael Jackson's songs on repeat, which again, the newsreader would speak over this and tell us something we already knew, for example that Michael Jackson was dead.

And every part of the media has been affected by this. News channels have had to find things to fill the time when nothing was happening, TV shows like Loose Women were gossiping about this loss of life. Journalists have been relying on Twitter, and not everything is real on Twitter, so they then put false information upon their newspaper's website. Telling us that David Miliband was upset, or at one point that Harrison Ford had died. The Internet was nearly broken by everyone logging in to find out whether Jackson was really dead. Twitter failed for 20 minutes, as did Google and Facebook reported an increase in status changes. 'Bob Bobson iz upset dat Michael Jackson iz dead. R.I.P. What a legend!'

His last tour was due to start in a few weeks also, entitled 'This Is It', and now they've all been cancelled would you believe it. A lot of people have said that the stress of doing these tours is what has caused him to die suddenly. Well I'm quite happy sitting at home listening to his music on my iPod. Admittedly, I only have 18 songs, and I'm not exactly a hardcore fan, but it has been a way of killing an hour and 20 minutes of my time listening to a selection of great tunes and has kept me entertained doing little dances as I sit here and write this blog.

I'm glad that no-one has really been mentioning all the allegations of Jackson's alleged paedophilia, because that isn't what I want him remembered for. He should be remembered as an icon of pop who created music that will live forever and remembered by most for his classic songs as Billie Jean, Thriller, Bad, Smooth Criminal, Beat It, Black Or White, Way You Make Me Feel and more than I can't be arse to name. Should you meet a person that makes a joke, making light of his death, you have permission to give them a good slap.
However, I still haven't found the answer to my question which I asked at the end on the blog I mentioned at the start of this blog. I am rather intrigued by this, as I'm sure you are:
What colour is Michael Jackson's penis? Black or White?
Or actually, does he even have a penis?

Try not to be to upset about it.
Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

Oh, and here is a link to a video on Youtube that Michael Jackson and Britain’s Got Talent fans may enjoy... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2YEX60XNJ0

Newsreaders, Reading Gossip Magazines

The latest ‘trend’ amongst the serious ‘newsreaders’ is to essentially, pick up a copy of The Sun and OK magazine and just read it out. Who cares about the fires in Australia killing over 200 people, or 45 people dying in a plane crash in America, or even the Credit Crunch – that was so last year. No, the things everyone wants to know about it are 13 year old fathers, who aren’t the father and dying celebrities getting married.

What happened to the days when you turned on the TV and 6PM or 10PM or whenever and heard about important stuff that affects the day to day lives of normal folk? I’ll tell you what happened; we harnessed the power of 24 hour news, and decided to repeat 15 minutes of news, over and over again.

They ran out of stuff to say, so they picked up The Sun and some ‘clever’ spark thought, “We could make the news longer by telling people gossip instead of telling them about Russia turning of our Gas.” So now when the news is on, we get told which celebrities are getting divorced, and get breaking news on the American women who had octuplets.

You may recognise the woman in the picture above as Mika Brzezinski from a few years ago. She is the newsreader who refused to read the story about Paris Hilton coming out of prison and set fire to her script in protest. She is one of the people who helps believe that there is still hope for the human race; there are newsreaders that will stand up and say no to nonsense news! And I thank her.

At the moment, when you turn the TV on, the headline news is either about Jade Goody’s cancer (see yesterdays blog for more details), and 13 year old boys who claim to be the father of a 16 year olds child, as well as two other boys. She’s a slut essentially, just get over it. There is no need to spark another debate on whether children are educated enough about sex. If that teenager is going to have sex, then they will have sex, it won’t matter that when they were 10 they got told that ‘Unprotected sex leads to STD’s and babies’. Another story (which involves Twitter), is that Lily Allen and Parez Hilton (whoever he is) are having an argument over the modern blogging phenomenon – Twitter.

Then after that load of nonsense, the newsreader turns around and says ‘In other news’, where he or she will tell us something important finally, which is usually connected to either terrorism, credit crunch or some member of parliament getting up to certain ‘shenanigans’. This is the stuff we want to know.

I mean what will be next? Will I turn on the evening news with the headline story being; ‘Breaking News - Michael Jackson reveals colour of his penis. Find out which colour, after the break.’
You never know, weirder things have happened.

‘Z-lebrities’ In Need (of Sympathy)

Unless you are a tortoise who has come out of hibernation early, you are most probably aware of Jade Goody’s new reason to have the media spot light. The racism has blown away, and the perfume and finally dried up and meant men are now aloud to smell women again without catching some disease. As you are aware, she has ‘Cancer’.

Now you may be asking why I put ‘Cancer’ in apostrophes. It’s not because I’m implying she hasn’t got cancer, because that is out of taste, even for her, but maybe it’s being played up a bit to make it sound worse. The news today is that she is getting married on Sunday to her fiancée, which sounds very sweet – wanting to spend the rest of her (short) life with him; until you find out she is selling the pictures to a magazine for a lot of money. I don’t remember the amount, mainly because I don’t care.

So, she is getting no sympathy from me. She is no different to the thousands, probably millions of people who are diagnosed with cancer, which is terminal. So why should she be treated any different, just because she was on Big Brother in 2002. I’m not trying to make light of the situation, I just find it annoying that she gets all this attention from us because she has cancer, when there are many women with identical cases who don’t even get a mention in their local paper, let alone headline news on the BBC news.

Although, I will say this, as a lot of people have, I do have sympathy for her children. Not only for having her as a mother, but also the fact they will lose their mother. No-one deserves that.

Then there is Michael Jackson. Who, last I heard, has MRSA, which is from his latest nose job. Now, if you think about it, he brought it on himself. He looks dead already, so would we really notice the difference? The MRSA is apparently flesh eating, which will mean his eerily white skin will be gone. Although I’m sure he’ll make sure he gets it back.

It’s times like this when you think that there is a God(s). He/She has finally had enough of people changing the way they look and being total bitches. So he is getting his revenge, in what my Nan would say, ‘God doesn’t pay his debts in money’. This does lead you to believe, if he did, the credit crunch would be solved, but anyway, I’m getting off the subject.

The question I want to know, and I’m sure a lot of you want to know; What colour is Michael Jackson's penis? Black or White?
Or actually, does he even have a penis?