Britton's Got Tarrent

Yes, it is the ITV show in which the former day-time television host kidnaps the primetime quiz-show favourite, and for his return wants her career back. Hang on, I think I may have got slightly confused. Britain's Got Talent, the ITV show in which a couple of Geordie presenters lark about behind a curtain while three television 'personalities' judge the 'talent' that the general public of 'Britain' have, in order to provide an 'entertaining' show. Actually, I think the former sounds much better now...

Okay, so I am three weeks late with this blog about Britain's Got Talent, but it goes to prove how dedicated I have been to my studies; which have now finally finished - for now. Anyway, due to it being a while ago, my memory slightly fails me, so I shall my best.

Let us start with the winners. A acrobatics group called Spelbound who consisted of numerous young boys and girls to numerous young men and women. They were okay, but I was not keen on them. Everyone else thought they were brilliantly talented and were more than worthy of winning the big spot at the Royal Albert Hall. I feel there is too much consistency with the whole show itself. First year - Paul Potts (not the evil dictator - that's a different spelling) the bad-toothed opera singer won. The second year, Diversity, a group of dancers won and now Spelbound, a group of people performing a routine won. That is two slightly similar acts in the past two years. We don't have a great deal of talent really do we?

My two favourites to win the competition this year were either Twist And Pulse, two male dancers who combined street dance and comedy, or Paul Burling who was an impressionist. They both got into the final, which is a first for the two acts I liked to make it to the final. It was a more diverse final though, with the obvious few dancers, the few singers, an impressionist, a dancing dog and a drummer.

Something (well, one of many factors) which I found very annoying about the live shows of Britain's Got Talent is all the camera angles. Now, imagine you are trying to watch people dance and every 5 seconds they change the camera angel so you miss bits of the dance. They do wide shots so you can see the audience, but you can barely see the act performing if you squint. The flying camera angles which go from one side of the studio to another are just as irritating. You are trying to watch something and you can't because the director believes it would be idiotic to have the same camera angel throughout the performance. You would not go and watch a school performance and spend the whole time running around the hall to get a variety of angels, so why do it when we're trying to watch a dog dance? I just found that utterly ridiculous.

I have also concluded that the show is just inefficient. The show is mainly just dancers and singers, with the occasional novelty act which will never win. Well, considering ITV already have a singing show called 'The X-Factor' which you may have heard of, it seems pointless putting singers on Britain's Got Talent. So, the first change would be moving all singers to the X-Factor auditions. The second change would be changing the name of the show to 'Britain's Got Dancers' because that is the main brunt of the good performances to be honest. Of course, now that you've turned this into a dancing show, ITV's 'Dancing On Ice' can be scrapped because you don't want to show too much dancing on one channel. Also, now that it has been turned into a dancing show, the novelty, useless acts can no longer be apart of the show. However, the solution for this is just sending all other applicants to either Brighton Pier or The Circus, and then ITV can replace 'You've Been Framed' with occasional footage from Brighton Pier and The Circus. Sorted!

What is next for Spelbound now that they won Britain's Got Talent? Not a lot I don't suppose once they have done their performance at The Royal Albert Hall. Paul Potts performed there, got his teeth sorted, released an album and now we have not heard of him since. Diversity done their performance infront of the Queen, one of them became a judge on a Sky talent show and the others are occasionally seen in adverts on the Telly. My suggestion to Spelbound is once they've done their royal performance; they should try and audition as the Hitler Youth in a stage show, because they would be perfect. If Hitler were alive today and he saw them performing on Britain's Got Talent, he would have been so happy.

A nice short(ish) blog to ease you back into my regular blogging. Next blog, unless I have a change of heart, will be about Doctor Who and whether I did enjoy it in the end.

P.S. I'm aware Keith Chegwin Tweeted 'Britton's Got Tarrent' a few weeks ago, but I thought it up before him, however, I am not claiming I was first person to ever think it up, I'm just saying I'm better than Keith Chegwin.

Jade Goody: What A Smashing Year It Has Been Without Her!

It was a year ago today that Jade Goody went through those fiery gates of hell, with the molten lava flooding past her and the aroma of burnt sausages wafting around the place. I have a visual image of Hitler and Suddam Hussien holding a banner which says 'Welcome Jade Goody' at the entrance to hell, with the devil there himself, to personally welcome in his newest member to his community. With it being a Sunday, he would usually be taking a well-deserved break after a week of torturing, but after hearing about the work that this 'Goody' person had done above on Earth, he just had to meet her and congratulate her for her lifetime commitment to being annoying, loud-mouthed, media-attention-seeking, money hungry, bitch.

It seems time is not a healer, as a year later I still have this strong, and some might say 'negative' opinion towards the woman I affectionately call 'ARG, not her again'. The last week or so has been quite confusing and painful for me, thanks to her. The 22nd of March 2009 has been burnt onto my mind forever as one of the happiest days of my life and I also remember it as Mothers Day, so imagine my surprise when I found out just days before that Mothers day this year was a week earlier, on the 14th of March. I had to rush to Tesco's to buy my Mum a card and flowers, all because of that Jade Goody. I thought I was safe in the knowledge that Mothers Day would be the 21st, and that's not all.

Beyond the grave, I swear Jade Goody has not only attempted to make my Mum angry at me, but also to crash my car by cursing me with a bad leg, and also making me vomit myself to death by putting me under the spell of a virus which left me bid ridden for nearly three full days. All I suspect to stop me writing and publishing yet another anti-Goody blog. Maybe I am paranoid, but better luck next time.


I am glad Michael Jackson died last year as well, but not because I disliked him, because I didn't, but purely because it took the hype from Jade Goody. If it wasn't for him, 2009 would be the year that the people of Britain would remember as the year Jade Goody died, but thanks to his doctor killing him, he has become the big death of 2009. I bet Max Clifford was absolutely livid about it, and it is because of that image, I go to sleep happy, every single night.

There is a part in mind which is very suspicious of her whole death really, because who knows what lengths she would go to be famous and popular. Maybe she is dead, or maybe she is alive and living somewhere no-one knows of her and wouldn't recognise her (how I envy them). You may be reading this thinking 'That's a stupid idea; she isn't that idiotic and it wouldn't work'. Well, let me just remind you that this is a woman who pronounced East Anglia as 'East Angular' and thought that to be abroad. As for 'she would never get away with it', never underestimate the power that Max Clifford has.

Again, here is my paranoia (and my hatred) shinning through again, but I think it to be quite a coincidence that at the peak of her unpopularity for being a racist, she gets cancer, gains sympathy, becomes loved then dies before she can ruin it by saying yet another stupid thing. Maybe the reason I am suspicious that she could still be alive is that I miss her and want her to still be alive, because I do. I loved the days when all my Tweets were about how she had annoyed me, when all my blogs seemed to mention her and call her names and when I would come up with a new joke when I saw her face in a gossip magazine or newspaper which would either make my friends laugh or tell me 'that was harsh'. If she came back, imagine all the fun I could have with that.

Instead I have to live with Jade Goody being mentioned every single time Cervical Cancer is mentioned. Every time I read a newspaper or magazine article which is about Cervical Cancer, you can bet that her name is mentioned. Okay, I am aware that I have said this numerous times in many of my blogs and I am going to have to say it again: She done absolutely nothing of any worth. At no point during her illness did she campaign for young girls to get themselves checked out. Essentially, her dying was the best thing that could ever happen, because A) It cheered me up and B) It shocked people into getting themselves checked. All these girls only get themselves checked as a consequence of her dying, not because she tirelessly campaigned. It distresses and provokes me when people almost thank her for girls getting checked out.

Again, I should just reiterate, I am not glad she got cancer; as the cliché goes: I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. I have gone yet another year of witnessing the effects that cancer has upon people, with yet another relative biting the dust as a result of it. However, another relative has had cancer and is now perfectly healthy; it really is unpredictable. I have also seen friends deal with relatives that have cancer, and it is not a good thing, and hopefully soon they will find the cure AND not making it so expensive that no-one can actually afford to be cured, as is so often the case. However, I should reiterate one more thing, I still really, absolutely dislike Jade Goody; I'm not heartless and I am actually quite a genuinely nice person, but I nether had sympathy for her!


Last night on television, there was a tribute show to someone who died last year, which I enjoyed greatly and thought it very emotional and tastefully done. That was Boyzone's Tribute To Steven Gately (R.I.P). However, on last night at the same time was 'Jade: A Year Without Her' on Living TV. I found it funny that numerous people told me about this for weeks previous. I had people Tweeting me, sending me texts, I had an email and also people telling me when they saw me in person. I think it is a great tribute to how much I hated her and how much of an impression I made upon people by doing this. I almost feel pressured into writing this blog; like I am expected to insult her by everyone because of this persona I have created, and this makes me happy. I’ve got to be good at something.

Going back to the tribute, and I could not watch it. Not just because I risked being a hypocrite if I did as it would mean not living by my own values, but for technical reasons: I don't have Sky or Virgin Media so therefore couldn't watch it due lack of the actually channel. I did read the immediate reviews of it afterwards however and also read Tweets while the show was on, and from what I gathered it was what I would call 'Poppycock' and 'Balderdash'! It was apparently a very emotional program in which many people were in or nearly in tears at. I can't help but think these people are very pathetic. Also, she was portrayed as a brilliant person from what I could gather; shown as a fantastic parent to her two children and many people fell in love with her. Essentially, Max Clifford did a good job at achieving his aim.

Obviously, a tribute show of someone's life is not going to catalogue all the persons failings in chronological order, so this was expected, but I just find it amazing how easily people forget the bad things a person done when the media pretend they didn't happen. They clearly have taken all the positive stuff from her life, such as her kids, and based the majority of the show around them for ultimate sympathy from the audience. All-of-a-sudden, all the racism and stupidity is forgotten. A parallel to this happening to a person who is actually alive is Cheryl Cole, being portrayed as this princess of modern times and the role model for millions of girls and women; yet only a few years ago a toilet attendant in a club got beaten up by her. It is blooming annoying.

I am glad that is how they made the show; I think it to be quite fitting of how she lived her life really - a liar. Anyway, I know I will have to get over her death soon and just move on with my life. I know I will have to stop using her as my 'go-to-guy' when I need an easy target to insult in conversations, Tweets and blog posts, but it is just so very hard to move on. I have tried my best, what with Katie Price being an ideal and even easier target for my insults, especially with her not knowing who her husband was last week during her interview on This Morning (Thank Goody I was ill to see that), but it just is not the same. I have all these memories of when life was great and care free. The days when I could insult a women who was dying of cancer, and still get laugh, but now I just look desperate.

There are just three other things which fill me with joy about Jade Goody’s death and also about the anniversary. The first being that my lucky number has always been the number 27, and this was proved by the fact that Jade Goody died at the age of 27. Now, to me it is more than a lucky number - it is a holy, saintly number which will bring joy to me throughout my life.

The second is sweet taste I have in my mouth while typing this very sentence. In the news yesterday was that Jackiey Budden, the mother of Jade Goody, spent the days before her daughter's memorial service yesterday on a drink and drug-induced binge in Tenerife. It is all explained how Jade became such an awful human being, and proof that the entire family are just awful human beings and should be dropped into a giant crater and left to die, like that scene in the BFG at the end.

The third is that Jade Goody being dead essentially proves that - I won. I hated her and now she is dead. I win. Maybe I'll get lucky and Katie Price's left breast will implode and kill her. For now: Stuart 1, Pop Culture 0.

Who Decides The Importance of News Stories?

That is a question that I've always wanted to know the answer to, but more so in the recent few months, as I would like to meet the person to see if they really are a complete and utter idiot. The relevance of the story on the public and the world is how I would decide the importance, and is how you would expect them to be ordered. The news is now ordered in a way to grab an audience and compete against other news programs/channels for ratings. The recent Michael Jackson death is a good example of this.

Everyone loved Michael Jackson, that much has been made obvious to us over the past 5 days, and every day since his death it has been the main news headline. Did he die as a result of the drugs he was taking? Did he die because of the stress of his upcoming tour at the O2 Arena? Who will get custody of his children? These are the questions that the news programs have been answering before bomb attacks in Iraq are discussed, the still increasing Swine Flu cases and forgetting the death of Farrah Fawcett, who died the same day as Michael Jackson and was big news until Jackson died, then her dead corpse just got pushed to the back of the news headline to make way for the freshly decaying dead corpse of Michael Jackson.

Another example of similar news stories being ordered differently is the metro crash in America last week which killed 9 people, and the Spanish train that blew up and killed 13 people a few days ago. The metro crash was the news headline of the day, and lots of emotional people were interviewed to give their experience of the tragic accident. Whereas the train explosion in Spain, which had more casualties, barely got a mention on the news, apart from a few dramatic images which made it look like a scene from a Tom Cruise film.
In case you're not aware of this story, a cargo train full of flammable gases blew up as it went through a train station, and as well as killing 13 people and injuring many more, it turned the surrounding area into a small village that looked like it had been hit by a nuclear bomb. In comparison to two trains colliding, I think the incident in Spain is actually bigger news myself. Geographical positioning and the countries power is usually the contributor to whether something is headline news or whether it gets featured in a quick 20 second news round-up. A fatal accident in America will get much more media coverage than a fatal accident in a less powerful country like Spain, as showed in the recent news.
It even counts for news stories over in the United Kingdom. If someone gets stabbed in London, its headline news, and Gordon Brown comes on the TV and gives his condolences to the family and someone from Scotland Yard will give an update on suspects. If someone gets stabbed in Summerset, it would barely get covered by local news teams, and not the national news, that’s for sure. I know if they covered every stabbing, the first 20 minutes of every news report would be a list of deaths, but that is yet another example of some guy sitting in the ITN newsroom deciding what the public want to hear, and making a decision of whether something is important or not.

I can't have a moan at the media, without bringing up Jade Goody, who died a few months ago of cervical cancer. I'm sure you remember that, because all the gossip magazines have talked about since is her death and how Jack Tweed is coping with the loss. Just because she was in the media spotlight, we all decided that was more important than every other woman in the country who was dying or suffering with cervical cancer. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Numerous members of my family have had cancer, as have a lot of people’s families, and at no point did the prime minister call them brave, or Okay! Magazine never done a tribute to them. And why is she any different? All because she was on Big Brother.
People will argue that without her, thousands of women would never have had themselves checked out, but that was only because the media kept pushing the subject (something good had to come out of it all). At no point did Goody actively tell women to get themselves checked out. She did not die with dignity and it wasn't just her fault, it was the media's fault too. It was the fault of the news for constantly reminding us she was dying. And when she did die, we were shown footage of people crying and flowers being laid outside her house. That is why the death of Michael Jackson has been was compared to Goody's death; the constant media coverage after the death. Now it has become boring. What we need is Michael Jackson's body to spontaneously combust, destroying the whole of America to liven it up and make the story interesting again.

I'm not that sympathetic over celebrity deaths like Michael Jackson and Jade Goody, because people die every day. Maybe a Plumber from Leeds isn't as important as an American who has made a huge contribution to music or a women who has kept the tabloid papers and the gossip magazines in business, however they are still people, so why the news reporter can't just say 'Jade Goody has finally died... Now onto something more important - Barak Obama has just saved the world yet again, this time he managed to stop a meteor from colliding with the Earth.'

It can't all be blamed on the media though; it can also be blamed on you, the British public. It's because you've forced us to live in the world of celebrity, where all everyone seems to care about is either a celebrity’s personal life or who will be the next person to be evicted from the Big Brother house. And with written media dying out because of new technologies, the papers have had try harder to get readers. The Internet means people can access the news up to date, when they want and choose what they do and do not want to read/listen to and is also free.

The news today is concentrated on the recent hot weather. Announcing that today Kent was 4 Degrees Celsius warmer than the Caribbean. It's not a competition. I personally don't really care where we are hotter than, and everyone getting giddy at the thought that we are hotter than the Caribbean islands, but then I don't care about a lot of things on the news. Do I care that 4 people will serve a 44 years sentence between them for smuggling drugs into Britain? No. Do I really care that there is no prospect of a post office sell off? Not particularly. Do I even care that Gordon Brown insists he is honest about his expenses? Nope, couldn't give a flying monkeys (strange expression that).

So why do I even watch the news or buy the Guardian if I don't care about the news? I don't know really, because if I really want to know something, I would go onto the BBC website and have a look. That's sorted then, I won't watch the news again (for a while at least).

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

Just one more thing. Have a look at this video... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELyTBXzfQJ8 It appeals to me because it involves Hitler and is rather funny on the subject of Michael Jackson’s death. Have a look, you won’t regret.