It's Snowing, It's Flurrying...

...The Old Man Isn't Snoring As He Has Frozen To Death.

It is getting to the point where I think I may have mentioned the word 'snow' in this blog this year, more than I've mentioned the words 'Jade Goody', and that is a worrying fact.

We are nearly at the end of our countries second heavy snow fall this winter. Ten months previously, we were in the middle of our biggest snow fall for many years. The country just stopped for a few days. You would have thought ten months would be enough time to recover and prepare for the worse to happen again. The phrase is to 'learn from our mistakes', but did we succeed in doing that? Did we ‘eck!

The politicians have explained a lot over the past month why our country still fails to cope at the first signs of snow; we don't get snow regularly enough and it doesn't last long. That is a very fair point to make Mr ConDem Man. So what if it has snowed the previous three years. It didn't snow for years prior to that. Everyone believed in Global Warming back then. Now that we have the snow back, we seem to have forgotten about that inconvenient truth Al Gore told us all about years ago.

We Brits are the most hypocritical nation. It doesn't snow during the winter; we moan that it didn't snow. If it does snow, we moan about how we have been inconvenienced by the weather. We have a cold and rainy summer, we moan about it. We have a boiling and sunny summer; we moan it's too hot. We spend all of winter waiting for summer to come and melt away the snow, then we spend all of summer waiting for winter so we can festive snow, and from there on, it continues year in, year out. We complain about our Labour Government and Gordon Brown, but then we can't decide who we really want in power instead. Then we settle for a ConDem Government with David Cameron and Nick Clegg, and we moan about them instead.

Anyway, something which is pointed out by the 'News' and their 'investigative reports' is that other countries cope perfectly well with snow. Switzerland, for example, a country which spends a majority of the year under snow, keeps their airports open. People in Denmark, for example, still manage to drive their cars in snow lasting a few months. We compare 2 to 3 weeks of snow, to them. Switzerland keep their airports open with equipment costing millions of Swiss Franc's, due to the fact that without that expense, no-one would be able to hardly ever leave or enter the country. Denmark makes it a law that everyone switches to Winter Tyres at a certain date every year to be able to cope with their freezing winters. It's cost effective for those countries.

For our country, the implications of ensuring every driver changes their tyres twice a year would cost a huge amount of money which we do not have. Spending millions of pounds on Airport Snow Clearing Equipment would be spending money we do not have. For a few weeks of disruption a year, it is never going to be cost effective, especially with the Budget-cutting Tories in power. Just get over. Buy a sledge and have some fun instead of moping about that it has snowed. Take pictures of the beautiful landscape which the snow gives us. Just don't sit at home and emailing the BBC to complain about the state of our country.

Here are two examples of lovely snow landscapes taken by yours truely.

However, to take a slightly hypocritical view to the above paragraphs; why is our country so useless as coping with snow and cold weather? Trains are cancelled and the ones that do run are hours late or get stuck in the middle of nowhere for 7 hours. Every airport closes for days. No-one can drive in a straight line without nearly crashing into another driver because the council decided to not grit certain roads. People can't even walk down the street without fearing for their lives.

The snow affected me too you know. I had to drive in that snow. At night. When it was falling out of the sky quick and hard. On roads with no grit and doing no more than 20mph on a road which would usually have people travelling at over 60mph. I did well to drive the 10 miles in these conditions without so much as a tyre going out of place. Then, I approach a roundabout where a Land Rover driver decides to not indicate and turn my direction. I used the brakes in a vain attempt to stop but slid straight into his path. He avoided me and he done a pirouette, narrowly missing a street sign and made another attempt to get around the roundabout. The next day, when I attempted to get home, literally metres away from where I park the car, on the top of a small, yet steep hill, my poor little car just skidded and refused to go forwards. All that effort just to see Harry Potter (incidentally, it was worth the hassle).

You see, our country would benefit from nationwide annual tyre changes. However, I'm not prepared to spend hundreds of pounds to change my tyres. And neither are you. None of us are prepared to pay even higher taxes to pay for the extra gritters on the roads. No one is going to pay even higher train fares to allow companies to spend money constantly de-icing train tracks or spend more on plane tickets to allow the airports to buy the expensive equipment.

The residents of Britain are like little spoilt children who get exactly what they want, and when Daddy says no to a jet-powered Unicorn, they have a massive paddy where they cry and shout abuse. If we don't get the exact services we desire, such as trains being pulled through the snow by a pack of huskies, penguins controlling the traffic or being carried to the shops on the back of a polar bear, we start shouting abuse. Well, you know what: Tough shit. How old are you? Exactly! You should be old enough to know that life isn't fair.

However, we are now at the festive season people like to refer to as 'Christmas'. It snows every Christmas. It has snowed for every Christmas since the alleged birth of Jesus Christ. What do you mean no it hasn't? It does. What, you calling me a liar are you now? I promise you, it is a metrological fact that it does snow every single Christmas! I can prove this with heavy persuasion. In every fantasy and on every program on the Television and every film in your DVD collection, it snows on Christmas Day. Forget about what really happens in real life; it does snow every single Christmas Day, without fail. Without snow, people don't believe it is Christmas, even if it is fake snow produced by a machine just out of shot on Eastenders. You see, believe me now do we?

Anyway, I hope the snow didn't bother you too much and your plans for Christmas haven't been ruined by the slight dusting of snow.

Merry Christmas, Season Greetings, I hope Yule get everything Yule desire and that Yule don't get a paper cut from the wrapping paper.

The Facebook Factor

I protest that Facebook is ruining almost every aspect of every normal person’s life. Facebook has ruined socialising for 500 million people as their entire life is now planned around Facebook. Facebook is a way of spreading hate for one person over the entire world; like Cat Bin Lady. Facebook ruins TV, with most adverts and programs having an official Facebook page where people can post live comments. Facebook ruins the radio with presenters endlessly plugging their Facebook page for their show or radio station. Facebook now vows to ruin music in a more destructive way than when Katie Price tried her hand at singing. Users of Facebook, through the power of 'Likes', campaign to end The X factor's grip of the UK Singles chart; particularly at Christmas.

I'm not the biggest fan of The X Factor. I will watch it if I'm home and there is nothing else on TV (so that was most weeks). I watch it more to laugh at and definitely not to enjoy a few hours of perfectly pitched singing. This year, The X Factor had all the usual ingredients which it has every other year, apart from Pregnancy and Malaria; those were added seasoning. We had the auditions which consisted of a mixed bag of talent. It had those that were truly terrible, who were laughed at and mocked like a dancing bear with a nose stud. It also had those who were amazingly average, who everyone cheered and clapped at and also got praise from all the judges.

It had fights and scuffles which are normally directed at the judges, but this time it was a double act of teenage hippopotamuses that turned on each other. It also had the acts that were there just for the comedy value that it added to the show, and caused great publicity. That roll fell to Wagner (Pronounced 'Varg-ner') who was a retired Brazilian P.E. Teacher (Pronounced 'Per-vert') who seemed to be giving a monologue, in a slightly camp German accent to the tune of music, while dancers twirled around him. Essentially, just think Jedward in 50 years, after one of them got murdered by someone baring Jedward's debut album as a weapon.

Those two lovely girls I was just telling you about...

Wagner. What else do I need to say?

It had over exaggerated bitchiness between the judges too; mostly directed at poor Louis Walsh. Dannii Minogue regularly retorted to any criticism Louis had for Dannii's acts. Simon Cowell would scowl judgingly at any chance he got, as if Louis had just taken off all of his clothes and had put his pants on his head while singing a Westlife song. Then Cheryl Cole would look puppy-eyed at Simon, begging for praise after every song and have a paddy every time he said something negative. Just like every year.

The X Factor also had a selection of other singers who were not Wagner. Most of them were average. The type of singers you find drunk over a karaoke machine in a pub, screaming 'Angels'. Most of them I can't actually remember their names, but then I suppose that is because I have stored more important information in my head. You know, like the capital of Costa Rica being San Jose, where I left my car keys or how much cheese we have left in the fridge; you know, the important stuff.

I know that the final consisted of four acts: Cher Lloyd came fourth and she was a teenage girl with a dream. A dream to sing. She made this known all the time, thus why everyone thought of her as this cocky little girl. She wanted to be more of a hip hop, R&B singer, so she had no chance of winning a pop contest. A band of hairless monkeys called One Direction came third, and these were Simon's little clones. He wanted them to win. His face was a picture when they went out. A Geordie woman came second, who was a spectacularly average singer, who was actually quite nasally and the only person who could understand her was Cheryl.

The winner, and holder of Christmas Number One 2010, was a bloke called Matt Cardle. He was a painter and decorator who liked wearing flat caps. Incidentally, if you had him booked to paint your lounge in the New Year, I would consider finding yourself someone else - I don't think he will be turning up. He was the best of a bad bunch in my opinion; above average, but not exactly the best singer you will ever hear. His single was a cover of Biffy Clyro's song 'Many A Horror', which Simon Cowell decided to rename 'When We Collide' for reasons which are obvious to absolutely no-one.

Here is your champion!

So, another Christmas, and another Christmas Number One which is in no way related to Christmas. A shame, but I'm not particularly bothered. Last year had the overly popularised Facebook campaign to get Rage Against The Machine to be Christmas Number One, in protest of Simon Cowell stubbornness. They managed it and Joe McElderry never got the Festive Chart Position he aimed for. This year saw two Facebook Campaigns. One was to get the original Biffy Clyro song to the glorious chart position. They managed 8th. A second campaign was to get 'The Bird Is The Word', a song shoved into the modern public domain by Family Guy, to lead the chart. This managed 3rd. It seems the Facebook campaigns didn't work this year; or as Facebook users might put it - It was an Epic Fail.

The worst protest against The X Factor was 'Cage Against The Machine', which was essential a group of a few dozen so-called 'real rockers', crowding into a tiny room to shuffle about and recreate John Cage's 4'33" – or other words – silence. This got to 21 in the Chart. This shambolic revolution was led by many people, but most notably Pete Doherty.

Now, I think it would have been better to put together a real Christmas song. You know, one with lyrics and instruments that is original, and not an incredibly vain attempt to be a bit of a profanity.

In the words of Kirsty MacColl "You Scumbag, You Maggot, You cheap lousy Faggot", go write a decent Christmas song next year, instead of sitting behind your iPad and complaining about The X Factor being Number 1 again.

Halloween: The Pointless Charade

Every year, the end of October happens at some point; usually towards the end of the tenth month of the year. This is bad enough due to the fact that it means we are nearing Christmas, so the rate at which Christmas related adverts are shown on TV, increases. It also means that the clocks change and go backwards an hour. This is a mixture of good and bad. Good because we get an extra hour in bed on the last Sunday of the month, but bad because it means the following 5 months get dark quite early. Halloween also happens at the end of every October, and this year, it's on a Sunday, meaning this year we annoyingly have 25 hours of Halloween due to the sodding clocks going back. Typical!

A lot of things I have grown to dislike as I have grown up like Christmas, patronising children's TV presenters and boredom. However, Halloween has been something I have disliked, nay - hated my entire life. As a child I was forced by my Mum yearly to dress up as a witch for Halloween, or whatever she had decided to buy that year. I never went Trick Or Treating either. That was partly due to the fact I was a fussy eater and rarely liked any of the sweets strangers would offer me. However, it was mainly due to the fact, that despite the fact no-one could see me behind my green witches mask, I got very embarrassed. I didn't like Halloween.

That is one of the only things me and my Dad actually agree with. Neither of us particularly likes Halloween; especially the Trick Or Treating part of it. As a result of this, many eggs have been thrown at our house. Most years it is the same routine. Children ring the door bell dressed in ridiculous outfits. We say 'No Thank-you', then moments later a few eggs are thrown and then they run away. Children who come after that, normally get sweets, but only as a bribe to not decorate our house in eggs brought from the store down the road.

Since when has throwing eggs at a house been a 'trick'? A trick is putting a whoopee cushion on a chair or gluing a pound coin to the pavement. Throwing eggs at a house is vandalism and also known as 'being a completely spoilt bastard who has a tantrum because you didn't get a sweet for dressing in the same costume as a bunch of other kids, and in turn deserve to have eggs crammed in their eyes and be forced to eat the eggshells of a dozen eggs that have been mixed with dog poo from down the road'. Well, that's what I call them anyway...

Throughout my life, I have refused, as best as possible, to celebrate Halloween in any way. It ranges from dressing up while being a kid, to going to Halloween parties, to watching scary movies on Halloween and even eating chocolate covered in foil which is decorated in a Halloween-esque way. I fail to the point. I may have liked it if we took up the name which some parts of Ireland have for it: ‘Pooky Night’, but we didn’t, so we’ll never know.

What does Halloween actually celebrate? Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ. Easter celebrates the death of Jesus Christ and his selfless sacrifice for us. Valentine’s Day at least is a way of celebrating your love for another human being. Bonfire night commemorates the time when Guy Fawkes (from the era of 'The Stuart's', for a pointless history lesson about my name-sakes), tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament to prove a political point. Halloween is just there to fill a gap; and that gap has been commercialised like every other celebration.

Halloween is so commercial now, just like Christmas, but just not as bad. Luckily, by the time shops start to think about stocking Halloween items, they find they have little room because they had already filled it with Christmas items in August. If Halloween was in June, I expect the shops would have crammed their stores full of stuff as soon as the Easter eggs went.

I have one idea which I think shops should stock in a bid to make money. They should sell eggs without a yolk. That way, you can make a point without damaging property, but you are also playing a joke in that the home owner would think you have thrown real eggs at their houses. You see. I should be a big salesman in London, pitching ideas like that to a load of fat, greying men in suits. There is a pun about ‘yolks’ and ‘jokes’ there somewhere, but I refuse to find it.

Anyway, I know I am a cynical person, but I do think that if you are above the age of 16 and you don't have any children, you shouldn't be celebrating Halloween, and should instead be getting a job or be looking in the mirror thinking 'I really have messed my life up', while probably also thinking 'I wish I had a boyfriend/girlfriend'. If you don't agree, then well, good on you. You're a happily naive person who lives a life without any real direction or purpose. YAY!

As is evident, I don't write blogs to make people like me.

P.S. You can’t even justify Halloween by mentioning The Simpson Halloween Specials, because the can sometimes be rather unfunny. Shame.

When Actually Is Christmas?

I always thought Christmas was in December. The 25th to be precise actually. The night before I always believed to be the time when Jolly Saint Nick would deliver presents to all the children of the world. I always believed that it was bad luck to put Christmas decorations to be put up before the start of December. I always believed that the classic Christmas Coca Cola advert would mark the start of Christmas celebrations in December. The previous 17 Christmases have therefore all been lies.

Card shops had huge sections dedicated to Christmas in mid-August. AUGUST! AUGUST!! AUGUST!!! What the bloody hell!? August is still technically summer, despite what the weather is like. I got very angry when I walked in a shop to be greated by a shop half-filled with festive joy. IN AUGUST! I'm surprised I wasn't escorted out of the shop for keep shouting 'It's bloody August!' in the middle of the store. It was just outrageous. I soon recovered and ignored the unpleasantness. Until a few weeks later.

We've barely reached September before I am pestered by friend and family 'What would I like for Christmas'. No! I refuse to tell anyone until mid-November what I want for Christmas, which is usually nothing now I have reached an age where being cynical has triumphed over naive excitement. September! SEPTEMBER! I am a much organised person, but not that organised. I won't even start buying presents before December. During September, people felt the need to keep changing their Facebook statuses to saying how they have already started buying presents, or in one case: "Wow, I've finally finished buying every [ones] presents. Now to start wrapping them". That is an even scarier prospect; wrapping Christmas presents in Christmas wrapping paper in September. Of course, thanks to the shops stocked full of Christmas paper by August, it is possible.

Now in October, I am driving around, and houses are covered in Christmas lights. Christmas lights! October! I suppose I should be thankful they weren't actually turned on. These people are ridiculously prepared. I bet these are the kind of people that are prepared for Christmas early, but still have a huge pile of dirty laundry and their kids are going to school in smelly, dirty clothes because their parents are busy on the roof putting up flashing lights that they won't even turn on for another month or so. Sure, usually our house is covered in fairy lights of some flashing variety, but never before December; well some years we may start on the 30th of November, but I think that is acceptable.

Then the adverts. In September there were brief mentions of Christmas in the adverts, with Argos slowly starting to mention them and the sofa companies promising delivery before Christmas. Now we're in October, they are slowly increasing - as they do every year. I don't like that fact, but I am getting used to it. Now Argos has released their Christmas catalogue and more and more adverts are getting festive. They are slowly trickling through onto our televisions. However, and this is no word of a lie, I have honestly seen the Coca Cola advert on television.

A terrestrial channel. Getting late at night. I had to make sure I didn't dream the fact. I wasn't dreaming. The minute long advert with the Coca Cola trucks going through the snow to deliver the tooth-decaying goodness was on television. In October! The Coca Cola advert! IN OCTOBER!

Then I come to my final point. Pringles. Everyone likes Pringles. I actually love them. Well, loved them. They have just started selling their new festively decorated tubes. In October. IN OCTOBER! Let me just make sure you understand what I am saying. Pringles crisps now have snow on them. They have a Pringle wearing a Santa hat on them. They even have the words ‘Merry Pringle’, in some failed attempt at humour. IT’S OCTOBER! Of course, I am sure other companies are doing the same, or at least nearing the point when they do; but festively decorated packets of food in shops, in October are just morally wrong in my books.

Just to prove I haven't gone mad. IN OCTOBER DAMMIT!

So, I just ask, why is Christmas becoming more and more commercial, and therefore getting earlier and earlier each sodding year?