The Tiger, The Wife And The Car

I was actually quite pleased with that blog title, because it's just like 'The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe' but of course, subtly changed but anyway; onwards with the blog moaning Tiger Woods and his Hardwood (expect more bad puns like that). It all started off as an innocent but stupid crash where he hit a tree and then a fire hydrant, but now has escalated to him being accused of multiple affairs, his Mother-in-law being hospitalised, him quitting Golf indefinably and now Gillette are limiting his advertising work for them.

Two weeks ago he was the most important news story, despite the fact that the same day 30 people died in a Russian Train being blown up, just because he hit a tree when driving out of his driveway and then rumoured that his wife came and smashed the windscreen with a Golf club to save him and then Tiger having to go to hospital. Those 30 people dying were unimportant compared to an American Golfer being in a small car crash.

Then somehow he started getting accused of having affairs with numerous women by the media and a woman on the TV claiming that she was one of them. How it got from him being in a car crash to him having affairs I do not know. All I know is that by the sounds of it, he's had too much practice tapping balls into holes, if you will pardon the revolting image that pun has put into your mind.
He then puts a gagging order on the British media, which will stop them publishing new stories about him; the more cynical of us would be forgiven for thinking he had something else to hide. Despite that, in most of this Sunday's papers they had more information about his affairs with yet another coming forward and saying she was with him on the night Tiger's father died. The life of professional golfers doesn't seem to be all hard wood, sorry, hard work.

Now he has finally admitted to being unfaithful to his wife (he could hardly deny it anymore), he has said he will stop playing Golf/advertising and concentrate more time to being a better husband/father. The amount of money he's made from advertising Gillette products, is incredible. I wonder how many close shaves he had before his wife finally found he was having an affair... He is quite the violent man. You can't turn the TV on without seeing him hit a Golf ball at men with razors in their hand.
Do you think that Tiger Woods will be replaced by Lewis Hamilton, who'll run over men who have been to the shops and brought a disposable razor? For a closer shave, Lewis Hamilton will attach razor blades to the bottom of his F1 car and when he runs over the unsuspecting man, he'll give them an even closer shave in return?

In the sports section of one of the papers I read last week, Tiger Woods now snores after his crash, which sparked this sarcastic reply from me: "Oh my dear lord! Will he ever be able to get a good night sleep again? Maybe he'll never be able to play Golf at professional level again! What if he had to start wearing a plaster on his nose to stop him snoring? Would he start advertising for them too? However, it would make it easier for his wife to find out which woman he was sleeping with that night - just follow the sounds." He's getting as bad as Jade Goody or Katie Price.

Fine, we get the idea; you crashed a car then got found out you had an affair(s). Why has it carried on so long? No-one particularly cares about him. I think it's the first time Golf has come across as fun in the media. Hopefully now everything will calm down and I can get on with my life until the next 'celebrity' comes along and takes the media spotlight for a few weeks. Why the heck a man having an affair is top story for two weeks I do not know. Well, I do know, but I don’t think his affair is of any importance to anyone.

To be honest, the only reason for doing this blog was to use some bad puns/euphemisms which I’ve thought about during the past week or so. Also, to rant because I really don’t think this story is worthy of keep being top news story every day on the TV, Radio and in the papers.

Expect a few blogs between now and New Year.

New Moon: The Stuart Review

It took a few attempts, but finally we got to see New Moon; or as a lot of people call it 'The New Twilight Movie'. You see, emo teenage girls very rarely get excited, and when something which appeals to them is on at the cinema, they all go together, thus making it impossible for anyone else to see it. Overall, the film is good though. Do I need to say anything else? Well I suppose I need to make the blog a bit longer...

The last film I done a review of (which was over a year ago) was when I got dragged to see High School Musical 3, and I'm pleased to report it's not as crap as that and is in no-way a cheesy film. High School Musical is such a cheesy film and the more I watch it, the more the hatred grows. It's a film that's cheesier than Wallace & Gromit's crackers, or if you didn't like that metaphor, it's cheesier than a fat-man's pairs of socks after walking from the sofa to kitchen and back to get a packet of biscuits. You can choose which metaphor suits it best.

Like High School Musical, New Moon appeals to the teenage girls in particular. It's one of them films where every man in the audience could just walk out and none of the women would notice because they're too busy ogling Edward's eyebrows or Jacob's tortoise-like shoulders. It's moments like that I'm glad I don't have a girlfriend, as it seems like a bit of an awkward experience being forced to watch a movie with them, so they can drool over it while you twiddle your thumbs.

Everyone seems to find the actors 'fit', but I don't agree. As a result of explaining, I may end up getting lynched by teenage girls grasping razors, so if you love Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, I suggest you skip this paragraph. Robert Pattinson, in this film, has two rather big eyebrows which make Susan Boyle's eyebrows look an average size. His pale complexion just makes him look ill and the six pack he has drawn on, is like someone started drawing a pretty pattern on him but got bored half way through. Overall, I can't see his appeal. As for Taylor Lautner, with his hair cut and top off, he does look significantly like a naked tortoise. His six pack isn't drawn on, but his shoulders freak me out - they're too diagonal for my liking. This is also a reason why I wouldn't make a very successful girl.
One bit which kept me amused for a few minutes was the part towards the beginning with Bella and Edward in the woods when he tells her he has to leave. The script goes something like this:
Bella- I want to come.
Edward- I don't want you to come.
If I find out I was the only person to laugh at that bit, I will have to go and teach every person who went to watch it the art of comedy timing and explain 'euphemisms'. I think that was the best bit of the movie.

They've even began advertising in films now as well. They showed a Virgin America plane flying in the sky - something not exactly necessary for the plot. The fact one minute they're in America, the next in Italy is enough really. I wonder how much Richard Branson paid for that? I am told the Virgin Plane is symbiotic of Bella, but I'm not going into that.

I had a thought while watching New Moon during the scene with Bella getting a paper cut. With just one drop of blood, the vampire's have a thirst for blood. So can someone answer me this question... What happens when it's Bella's 'time of the month'? Surely, once a month for a few days, Bella has to stay away from the Cullens. What stops the Vampires from smelling that blood? Someone please tell me.

I would quite like to go to the cinema one time and swap New Moon for an old Vampire movie and see how they all react to it. A majority of Vampires in New Moon are very nice and lovely, as are the Werewolves who help everyone and just protect people. In old Vampire and Werewolf movies, they're the complete opposite, and I'd like to see how Twilight fanatics cope with it. I bet it wouldn't take them long to recognise it's the wrong movie.

The soundtrack for New Moon is well, depressing. It has some of my favourite bands such as OK Go, Muse, The Killers, Editors and Radiohead's Thom Yorke, but they've not exactly picked happy songs. However, they do go very well with how they are positioned in the film and add to the atmosphere. I just wouldn't rush out and buy the soundtrack to listen to on its own - the CD may as well come with a free razor.
Despite all that though, I very much enjoyed the film, and I think it's better than Twilight. Next film to come out to add to the saga is Eclipse, so I'll look forward to that being even better. After that it'll be Breaking Dawn, and then maybe Midnight Sun. I think if there is a sixth instalment, it will be called 'Morning Breath'. I should just point out, the only reason I know so much about all this and the reason I went to see the film in the first place, is because of my friends who have constantly talked about it, dragged me to the cinema and forced me to watch DVD's. I suppose I should grateful they've not glued each book to my hands and forced me to read them...

One more thing - if anyone asks, I support Team Edward (and no, it’s not a euphemism for being gay).