Dancing With Vampires

Does anyone remember the days when Vampires were only in Horror movies and were something to fear and when dancing used to be thought of as 'uncool'? I do. It wasn't that long ago really. How much things change in a few years. Now every teenage girl wants either a Vampire or a Werewolf as their boyfriend and every man wants to go Ice Scatting while thrusting a beautiful foreign dancer around his hips.
There are so many Vampire movies and television programs these days which portray Vampire's as kind supernatural creatures who are all really 'hot' and know every single cheesy line to make a girls heart melt. If you watch an old horror movie they were portrayed as viscous creates who only wanted young teenage girls because their blood was considered the best. The worst thing is, all these modern shows all follow roughly the same concept.

Let’s see. You have the 'Twilight' series. 'True Blood'. 'Being Human'. 'Vampire Diaries'. Then you have all the parodies of these, and trust me, there are a lot on the Internet. Fashion has now been bitten by the fangs of Vampire Culture (that was quite a good metaphor you have to admit) and if you're not dressed in black velvet then chances are you're wearing something that you saw being worn on one of these shows/movies and though 'I got to get that'. I have nothing against this new trend in Popular Culture, but why does it have to be so samey? For example. When did Vampires become so blooming hot? You would have never of seen Dracula walking around with his cape off, showing everyone his torso.

Then you have dancing as well. If you are not 'Dancing On Ice', it's 'Strictly Come Dancing' or maybe you watch 'So You Think You Can Dance' or possibly even 'Got To Dance'. . Again, I have absolutely nothing against dancing or people who can dance (I may envy them slightly. I make 'Dad Dancing' look good, that's how bad I am. Maybe someone will teach me, but for now, let’s carry on with the blog shall we?), but it is all so perfect, with Pop Stars judging. What the hell does Geri Halliwell know about Ice Dancing? And Alesha Dixon. You took part last year, so what. You're not going to tune in to Britain's Got Talent to find that Piers Morgan has been replaced with Stavros Flatley (However, I wish it would happen).

There is even a new dancing show on BBC 3 called 'Dancing On Wheels' in which people who are disabled dance in Wheelchairs. I'm surprised that the BBC hasn’t moved it to BBC 1 on Primetime Saturday television - surely this would be a big hit. I haven't watched the show, so I can't really comment, but what idiot thought that would be a good idea? The BBC probably needed a way of showing they don't discriminate, so gave them an obscure show of their own.
This year, the biggest thing Dancing On Ice has had going for it is Heather Mills. I am actually yet to meet a person who likes her, so when people found out she would be on Dancing On Ice, everyone smiled. Not at the prospect of seeing her every Sunday on our television, but because the whole nation crossed their fingers that when she done a spin, her leg would come flying off, then she'd trip and maybe if we were lucky, crack her head open. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Now she's been voted - there is no point in watching it. I admire them for being able to do it, seeing as I've even mastered Skating On Ice yet - if I ever do, but doesn't mean it is that entertaining.

That doesn't mean there is no point in watching it though. You have to remember that I am a single and lonely teenager, and Holly Willoughby's dresses appeal to me greatly. She is perfection. What man doesn't look at her and think 'Wow, those are lovely'. It is true, she is one of my celebrity crushes and in fact that is the only reason why I am following her Twitter.

Now, a plea to any Television producers who may have stumbled upon this blog (you never know). I want to propose to you a show which I would call 'Dancing With Vampires'. What it will do is mix the two genres of modern Pop Culture. It will appeal to the dance fanatics of the country who are bored of Ice Rinks and Ballrooms and we set it in an abandoned Church. That is where all the new fans of Vampires and other Supernatural beings. You have a load of Vampires who dance with eachother in this derelict building.

Instead of dancing to cheesy pop songs from the 70's or having an orchestra playing we play rock music for them to dance to. I'm thinking maybe Muse, some Paramore, possibly Radiohead, Fall Out Boy, Panic At The Disco, Biffy Clyro, 30 Seconds To Mars and maybe even some Franz Ferdinand. This way we are appealing to the lovers of that kind of music, and stereotypically people who like Twilight and the like, listen to that kind of music. Of course, this music is harder to choreograph a dance for, and therefore the dancing will be more difficult so this will intrigue the dance lovers.

I have put a lot of thought into this. Every dance show needs a judging panel, and this one would be no different. You would have Avril Lavigne as the expert as a lot of her music videos having dancing in them which would be similar to the genre of dancing found in this brand new show. Then you need some eye candy which is where Avril Lavigne comes in for the lads. No guessing who that would be for the females; yes we would persuade Robert Pattinson to sit on the panel. Then, in the middle, we will tie Jason Gardiner and force him to sit there and comment on the dancing. 'Why tie him to a chair though?' I hear you thinking. Well, I don't like. Therefore, whenever he says something the audience do not like, they're allowed to throw stuff at him. If he tied, then he cannot escape. We would also have Fern Cotton as the dumb one who knows nothing about dancing but knows what she thinks looks nice.
Presenter wise, I am more than happy to contract Holly Willoughby to do the job, so long as she continues to wear revealing dresses. I will also allow Phillip Scoffield to co-host if she won't do it without him. Now I have pitched my idea, I look forward to your response. The channel to offer me the highest amount of money will get it.

You may laugh at me now, but when I'm sitting here rolling in money from the Phone-in lines, I will have all doubters killed.

New Moon: The Stuart Review

It took a few attempts, but finally we got to see New Moon; or as a lot of people call it 'The New Twilight Movie'. You see, emo teenage girls very rarely get excited, and when something which appeals to them is on at the cinema, they all go together, thus making it impossible for anyone else to see it. Overall, the film is good though. Do I need to say anything else? Well I suppose I need to make the blog a bit longer...

The last film I done a review of (which was over a year ago) was when I got dragged to see High School Musical 3, and I'm pleased to report it's not as crap as that and is in no-way a cheesy film. High School Musical is such a cheesy film and the more I watch it, the more the hatred grows. It's a film that's cheesier than Wallace & Gromit's crackers, or if you didn't like that metaphor, it's cheesier than a fat-man's pairs of socks after walking from the sofa to kitchen and back to get a packet of biscuits. You can choose which metaphor suits it best.

Like High School Musical, New Moon appeals to the teenage girls in particular. It's one of them films where every man in the audience could just walk out and none of the women would notice because they're too busy ogling Edward's eyebrows or Jacob's tortoise-like shoulders. It's moments like that I'm glad I don't have a girlfriend, as it seems like a bit of an awkward experience being forced to watch a movie with them, so they can drool over it while you twiddle your thumbs.

Everyone seems to find the actors 'fit', but I don't agree. As a result of explaining, I may end up getting lynched by teenage girls grasping razors, so if you love Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, I suggest you skip this paragraph. Robert Pattinson, in this film, has two rather big eyebrows which make Susan Boyle's eyebrows look an average size. His pale complexion just makes him look ill and the six pack he has drawn on, is like someone started drawing a pretty pattern on him but got bored half way through. Overall, I can't see his appeal. As for Taylor Lautner, with his hair cut and top off, he does look significantly like a naked tortoise. His six pack isn't drawn on, but his shoulders freak me out - they're too diagonal for my liking. This is also a reason why I wouldn't make a very successful girl.
One bit which kept me amused for a few minutes was the part towards the beginning with Bella and Edward in the woods when he tells her he has to leave. The script goes something like this:
Bella- I want to come.
Edward- I don't want you to come.
If I find out I was the only person to laugh at that bit, I will have to go and teach every person who went to watch it the art of comedy timing and explain 'euphemisms'. I think that was the best bit of the movie.

They've even began advertising in films now as well. They showed a Virgin America plane flying in the sky - something not exactly necessary for the plot. The fact one minute they're in America, the next in Italy is enough really. I wonder how much Richard Branson paid for that? I am told the Virgin Plane is symbiotic of Bella, but I'm not going into that.

I had a thought while watching New Moon during the scene with Bella getting a paper cut. With just one drop of blood, the vampire's have a thirst for blood. So can someone answer me this question... What happens when it's Bella's 'time of the month'? Surely, once a month for a few days, Bella has to stay away from the Cullens. What stops the Vampires from smelling that blood? Someone please tell me.

I would quite like to go to the cinema one time and swap New Moon for an old Vampire movie and see how they all react to it. A majority of Vampires in New Moon are very nice and lovely, as are the Werewolves who help everyone and just protect people. In old Vampire and Werewolf movies, they're the complete opposite, and I'd like to see how Twilight fanatics cope with it. I bet it wouldn't take them long to recognise it's the wrong movie.

The soundtrack for New Moon is well, depressing. It has some of my favourite bands such as OK Go, Muse, The Killers, Editors and Radiohead's Thom Yorke, but they've not exactly picked happy songs. However, they do go very well with how they are positioned in the film and add to the atmosphere. I just wouldn't rush out and buy the soundtrack to listen to on its own - the CD may as well come with a free razor.
Despite all that though, I very much enjoyed the film, and I think it's better than Twilight. Next film to come out to add to the saga is Eclipse, so I'll look forward to that being even better. After that it'll be Breaking Dawn, and then maybe Midnight Sun. I think if there is a sixth instalment, it will be called 'Morning Breath'. I should just point out, the only reason I know so much about all this and the reason I went to see the film in the first place, is because of my friends who have constantly talked about it, dragged me to the cinema and forced me to watch DVD's. I suppose I should grateful they've not glued each book to my hands and forced me to read them...

One more thing - if anyone asks, I support Team Edward (and no, it’s not a euphemism for being gay).