Wuthering Heights: Filmed in a Shed

So, do you know the story of Wuthering Heights? Good. Now, imagine what that classic novel would like if it were actually filmed in a shed. Now, imagine it being acted by chavs who swear and have a common, English accent. Right, now imagine that some art students were filming and directing it, with lots of soft focus and irritatingly pointless shots and angles which are apparently symbolic. Imagined it? Looks awful doesn't it. It looks like the sort of film that Film4 and the British Film Industry might fund, doesn't it. Well, now you don't have to imagine that, you can go to your local cinema and pay to see it. Yes, PAY to see it.

There are lots of things wrong with this movie, but the one that has been most vocalised in the media is the fact that Heathcliff is black. Yes, Heathcliff is black. Maybe this is part of the modern view, which says that we are now 'colour-blind'. We no longer recognise skin colour. Maybe. And anyway, the skin colour of Heathcliff is never known. In defence of the movie, it does say in the first chapter of the novel that Heathcliff is 'a dark-skinned gypsy in aspect, in dress and manners a gentleman…' But, in defence of sensibility, people can be dark skinned Caucasians, AND why would women wearing petticoats, from the 19th century, lust after an Afro-Caribbean?

Inclusion of racist language in the movie, mainly from Hindley saying "He's not my brother, he's a nigger" just made me put my hands up to my face and want to cry. Emily Brontë. The story, just like all other adaptations of Wuthering Heights, was badly conveyed. Some parts were changed, other parts were added, some parts completely forgotten and even, most surprisingly, the odd part of the story was told similarly to the novel. As it is with every adaption of the novel, the character of Lockwood is written out and the role of Nelly is nothing but a supporting character, rather than taking the role of narrator that she has for a majority of the novel. The Linton's are not blonde. Wuthering Heights is nothing but an old, rotting shack in the middle of Yorkshire. The moors of the novel have been replaced with large hills which surround the landscape. No children, other than Hareton appear to have been born. We see Hareton get conceived in a wet field; an image we are saved from in the novel. The characters are all inappropriate aged. In fact, I could continue to ramble on.

The love affair between Heathcliff and Catherine has also been adapted. The rocky nature of the relationship is rather accurate, with her hating him at first, and then them being inseparable and protective. Then the appearance of Edgar comes between them. Heathcliff goes and comes back and finds Catherine married. The problem is that their relationship is depicted as being even weirder than before. The main example being that Catherine licks the bloodied wounds from Heathcliff's back. I have no idea why. The relationship between them does seem to resemble owner/faithful dog, rather than confused children who experience love. The whole time, you just spend laughing at the ridiculousness of this adaption, or wondering what the hell Arnold is trying to convey.

The directing is terrible. The camera work is dreadful. Someone is riding a horse, but instead of doing a panning shot that follows the horse, or a long-shot which allows you to follow the horse across the screen, they opted for a close up of the horses mane, or a close up of the person's hair. It is as if the camera operators discovered they could do Macro Photography, so just took advantage of it. Every few minutes, there was a close up of a moth in a window, or the intrinsic detail of a feather: all pointless to the telling of the story. I have always been told that 'less is more' and not to put stuff in 'just to fill time'. If you want to see how to fill time in an A-class style, watch this film. Five minutes of this film is watching birds fly.

I have a theory too, that the creators of this film are hell-bent of making people blind in the process of watching this film, which is a lovely way to treat people who have already paid £6 a ticket to watch this atrocity. Picture the scene: You're watching Heathcliff sitting in a dark, barely-lit room at night. You're struggling to see, so the pupils in your eyes are fully dilated to allow as much light in as possible. Then BOOM. It feels like someone has fired a shotgun into your eyes. The scene has cut to one with bright and intense white light, which illuminates the entire room. Too much light is entering your eyes and you feel as if you have turned stiff; you feel dead.

Talking of dead, there is an abundance of dead animals. You see Heathcliff slaughter a sheep with the blood pouring out; for which I had to cover my girlfriend’s eyes to protect her loveliness. Then, later on in the movie, we see Heathcliff standing over a trapped rabbit, who he then kills by breaking the neck; for which my girlfriend covered my eyes to protect me from shouting out “You bastard!” I don’t know why they kept showing these scenes, but I made sure to sit through to the end to make sure that no animals were hurt in the process. They hadn’t been thankfully.

I remember a few years ago, ITV made a two-part adaption of the novel. It wasn't great. I, my friends, my classmates and teacher all complained about how inaccurate it was. ‘Dreadful’ we said. We were all in awe at how they had ruined the classic we had spent a year studying. However, in comparison, the ITV adaption should have been heralded as a great piece of television. This is compared to the film however, which makes somewhat of a mockery out of the novel. The best thing about the ITV adaption was that it didn't cost me to see it, and the acting was far better. Arnold essentially raped the Emily Brontë novel.

This opinion doesn't come down to the fact that Heathcliff was black; that was one of the least problematic parts of the film. It is part of a wider problem which is the film, in which no character seemed to be vaguely accurate, and the story backetballed into a bin. The problem with all the adaptations so far, is that they remove the rather unique narrative to the story and forget Lockwood and Nelly. I think the most successful adaption will include them. I accept that an adaptation, unless it was going to be a ten-part TV series, will not include the entire story, but it should keep the style which every reader loves about Wuthering Heights. When someone makes that, I think that will be the day when a proper adaptation will have been made, and they will rake in the praise.

This film received no praise. I remember sitting through the last two Harry Potter films at the cinema, in which at the end of the film, the audience whooped and cheered in praise of a brilliantly made film. At the end of watching Wuthering Heights, all I heard was people saying how awful it was and how they did not enjoy it at all.

Mind you, I should have known how terrible the film was going to be when I saw the trailer on the Internet. The most pointless minute of film, in which absolutely nothing is shown. It should have been a clue that this film was being filmed by college art students…

James Bond With Added Funny Gas

It was a few weeks ago now, but I have seen Johnny English Reborn. This is the second Johnny English, with the first coming out in 2003 when I was just eleven years old. Since then, it has been my second favourite movie franchise, with the first being Toy Story. I know, in just three sentences I have made myself sound rather childish. That's showing and not telling y'know!

I love Rowan Atkinson. I love him for almost every role I have seen him play in sitcoms and films, as well as for his 80's satirical humour in 'Not The Nine O'Clock News' and his stand-up material (performing sketches on stage essentially). He is, in my opinion, the greatest comedian. Therefore, I was always going to be biased to thinking that Johnny English Reborn is the greatest movie I have seen in some time.

The cinema I went to was a fancy new cinema complex with more screens than Comet, all showing different movies. It was a Vue cinema, this one situated in Stratford (because that’s what the Olympics needs). I haven't actually been to a Vue cinema before, but the chairs where more reminiscent of sofas than they were flimsy fold-down chairs; and that was in the standard, working class section. The screen was so large that you have to turn your head to be able to look from one side of the screen to another, and the air conditioning was so powerful that you could keep an Igloo in there for as long as you liked. The experience itself was the most pleasant one I have had in a cinema; apart from the large queue for snacks, the price of the snacks and the fact that there were other people in the cinema.

Anyway, first of all, don't go to see the movie to expect a movie similar to the first one. It is on a much larger scale, with a more believable and serious storyline which has tragedy, as well as moments of ecstatic, Atkinson-esque, pleasure. Think of it as more of a James Bond movie, with funny gas being pumped into the cinema. It is on that sort of large scale. It has a story line which could easily be adapted for a serious spy movie.

We join English in Tibet, learning Martial Arts after becoming a disgraced spy some years prior after a failed mission in Mozambique. MI7 need him back for a mission to foil a plot to kill the Chinese Premier. Along with his new sidekick, Tucker, he goes to Hong Kong to find people affiliated with a project named 'Vortex'. Humour ensues countless times, which involve a yacht chase, a game of golf and helicopter flying. MI7 then try to assassinate him, before a hilarious conclusion which involves Atkinson wearing lipstick, dancing to Word Up by Korn ("Wave your hands in the air like you don’t care"), some groin kicks, some wrestling with self, and having a fight scene in a cable car; all of which demonstrations the brilliance of his physical comedy. The movie then ends after English has attacked the Queen.

A very short synopsis there, but a lot more comedy ensues. I haven't laughed that much at a film for as long as I can remember; and I had watched the first Johnny English movie the evening prior to seeing Reborn. It certainly held up to my expectations and then superseded them.

The film also includes a greater cast, included Gillian Anderson (of X-Files fame), who was great for the role of Head of MI7, and Dominic West (of The Wire fame), who was great at playing the 'unexpected' villain of the film. Atkinson's acting was great too, and it is sometimes hard to believe that this is the man from Mr Bean and Blackadder. Also, remembering he is now 56, it is great to see him still able to perform such brilliant physical comedy, with his trademark high kicks and performing many stunts himself, such as driving a jet-powered Wheelchair through the streets of London.

I would recommend the film to anyone with the smallest of funny bones. I reckon it could make almost everyone at least snigger on numerous occasions. The film isn't a silly, half-term film which is meant for just children, but it is instead a film which the whole family could enjoy; I'm sure of it. Its adult story line makes sure of that. The comedy too will appeal to anyone. It is an all-round movie. I urge you to see it; even if you wait for it to come out on DVD. Films transfer onto DVD so quickly these days. It's not as if you'll have to wait long.

I don't know how else to put across how much I enjoyed this film. I do not understand why critics have been so harsh to this film. I think it's brilliant. Much better than any of your pouncey Twilight rubbish that you watch. I mean The Inbetweeners movie? If you 'claim to like comedy' that much, then you should see this. It's adult and childish at the same time, without any needless, apparently funny, swearing.

If you do go and see it at the cinema, do make sure you sit through the credits and wait patiently. You will not regret it. Out of a packed cinema, only 7 people remained at the end to watch one of the funniest Rowan Atkinson skits I have seen. It involves him, preparing a casserole, in sync to a piece of classical music (Edvard Grieg's In the Hall of the Mountain King - a piece of music everyone will recognise when they hear it). It is brilliant, and I'm saying that as a devoted fan of his visual antics, and think of it as a perfect example of what Atkinson can achieve, with just simple, everyday items. I was in awe of that final performance, as well as giggling like I would have when I was eleven years old.

A Virgin Choosing Between A Vampire Or A Werewolf

The latest instalment of the 'Twilight' saga was released recently, which is called 'Eclipse'. It always comes hand-in-hand with depressed teenagers being a little bit excited and sales of Muse songs increasing. Now obviously, I went to the cinema and of course I did not watch it at home on a pirate copy which I borrow off a friend. I wouldn't steal a car, so of course I would not watch a pirate movie. I had a few problems with the people in front keep standing up and 'eclipsing' my view of the film, and for some reason my eyes had regular trouble trying to focus on the screen; kept going blurry. Despite these annoying things happening at the 'cinema', I managed to watch the film.

Corr, Look at those depressed faces! Just cheer up will you!

People who have seen this one or previous movies will be aware that they are not the type of films that make you walk out the cinema with a big smile. These are the sort of movies that make you want to wear black clothes and never want to smile again. This one was no exception. Eclipse certainly is better in that I would consider it more 'fun' than previous ones. I use the word 'fun' very, very, very lightly though. In comparison to Toy Story 3, it really is not, but in comparison to New Moon, it was.

The movie is more 'fun' because there is just much more action and the story line isn't so much about Bella's self indulgence during her period of even worse depression. This has rather dramatic fight scenes, and the story isn't as one dimensional as the others. It just felt more thought-out and clever in my opinion. It had background information about different characters, which I feel helped a lot. Like the previous two films, it still follows the same formula for the development of the movie. A big, long build up of about an hour, then the eventual climax of the story before a nice, happy resolution before the next film starts; and repeat.

There is a fight scene between the Vampires, Werewolves and 'New Borns'. For people who don't care much for all this depressive, vampire stuff; 'New Borns' are what they call people who have just been turned to Vampires. The stage known as New Borns is when they are at their strongest and blah, blah, blah.

There is happiness though! The Vampires and Werewolves join forces and work as one to fight against these New Borns. How very happy and adorable! They put their differences aside and forget their previous feuds. However, even the fact they worked as one to defeat these New Borns doesn’t cheer them up.

Instead of the lead female character, Bella, spending the whole movie looking depressed in her bedroom, she actually went out. All these movies have her doing a regular monologue throughout, of how she feels and thinks. They are SO depressing. Just her tone of voice brings your mood right down, before you even listen to whatever it is she is moaning about. I spend half the movies just wanting to tell her to just 'Cheer the f*** up!' This one was even worse. The monologues seemed more regular and even less happy. I don't think there is any acting at all; I swear all the actors just spend the whole time sulking.

Then there is the kissing. As if I haven't been depressed enough by the movie for the fact everyone goes about with long, pale faces with monotone voices which are full of depression, I have to see people kissing every 10 minutes. Kissing. Kissing. Kissing. For people who get a lot of affection, they are bloody miserable. I'd be running about in a giggly joy if I got kissed even half as much they do. Bella kisses Edward, then kisses Jacob, then kisses Edward again. I'm waiting for Edward and Jacob to kiss; now that would liven the story up a bit.

...And even more kissing.

The music is just as bad though. If I were to go to HMV, buy the Eclipse soundtrack and listen to it in the car home, which is only a 20 minute journey, I am sure I would have attempted to kill myself numerous times. The music is even more depressing than those stupid monologues. Bearing what I just said in mind though, the soundtrack is better than in the last movie; so imagine what impact the New Moon soundtrack would have on someone... You can tell how sad all these teenagers are in the movie though, just by this one line: 'I love this song; come and dance!' In the background, Muse was playing. Now, I also love Muse, but I don't think anyone can ever consider it as dancing music. Maybe if by dancing you mean a group of people standing together, swaying their shoulders from side to side, but otherwise, no. Why don't these kids put real party music on, like Robbie Williams - Rock DJ. Now, that I would love to see in the next Twilight movie.

As an overall conclusion of the movie, I did kind of enjoy it. If it wasn't for my friends, I would have let this phenomenon just pass me by, but since I got forced to watch the movie, I have got into them somewhat. However, for someone who isn't overly bothered, it was kind of boring, which is why I am glad I went to the cinema to watch it because if I had stayed at home, I would have started playing games on my phone halfway through the movie while making occasional notes about the film in my notepad...