Moving, Just Keep Moving...

Two months ago we had a flat which overlooked the Thames, in one of the busiest cities in the World. Now, I'm in Hythe with a distant view of the sea, and in one of the most old fashioned towns in the country. The shops still all shut on a Sunday, and the only danger is being run over by a blind old lady pushing a shopping trolley.

We've now been in our quaint little flat for nearly three weeks, but there was a point when I thought we would never find somewhere to live. In London, we were lucky and the flat we lived in was the first flat we liked and saw. Down here, we saw four, but liked many more. The 'experience' was full of disappointment, as well as meeting many letting agents who were Satan's children, and a couple who were lovely. It took six weeks, but we finally got a place we could live.

But then the next issue was that we had no furniture. Thus, too much money was spent. And then, too much time was spent by me putting it all together. I was in flat pack hell. I like putting things together more than most, but that was just a week-long binge of different shades of oak. However, by some divine intervention, not a thing was broken and nothing was missing. Even if I made a few silly mistakes...

And we had spent a week laying on a multitude of beds, in a variety of shops, watched by an array of shop assistants, who seemed to always have one hand on my wallet. The whole time, you sound like a spoilt Goldilocks going "This bed's very soft… Oh, this one is far too hard for my liking… This is just right… HOW MUCH?" Then, when you finally settle on a bed you can live with, which is only a little above your budget, you're told it's a month's wait. At which point, I would thank the man for his time, and walk out.

In the end, we gave up and brought a bed from Argos which we couldn't try on for size, just for the sheer convenience of not having to lay awkwardly on beds in public view. And you know what? It was the best decision possible, and it was cheaper. And it was the exact same process for our sofa too. You know what children? Internet shopping is the future.

The problem then though, is that you have to sit by the window for a week, waiting for the two minutes when the delivery man comes, dumps a load of cardboard by the front door, and leaves you carry a box containing an unassembled dining table and four chairs, indoors all by yourself. Two weeks on and my big toe is still bruised. And once everything was assembled, we were left with a mountain of boxes in the hallway. Stepping on the wrong floorboard could easily result in an avalanche.

Thankfully, we have a small garden we can retreat too. Well, I had to spend two days chopping my way through brambles and other weeds, and being covered in scratches so deep one could be forgiven for thinking I had started a new job as a lion tamer, and was awful at it.

Speaking of which, I am still unemployed. If one forgets the fact I'm spending money, when I have none coming in, I'm a little bit thankful for that. Imagine the stress of starting a new job amongst all of that? The dining table would probably still be on the doorstep, brambles would be smashing their way through the windows, and we'd be sleeping on cardboard boxes.

However, now that's all done, I need to need to get a job so I don't become too attached to our brilliant YouView box, and don't put too much of a dent in our sofa. I've never had Sky channels before, and I'm still not over the novelty of Simpson episodes that aren't at least 10 years old; I watched one from 2013 yesterday! This truly a beautiful time to be alive.

I have learnt over the past few months, that unemployment doesn't mean you have to sit watching people who have been subjected to bad dentistry, shout at each other on Jeremy Kyle. I have done something every day. Today is the first for a good few weeks where I've actually had the time to write a blog post. I can't remember the last time I even took a photograph. It's not only because I've been busy making this flat a home, but because I'm using the time to help those closest to me. Partly to be a decent human being, but also in a bid to fight off boredom.

I'm about to make an observation which is enlightening, positive and a cliché, for which I apologise for. Normal misanthropy will resume shortly, I'm sure… But life is what you make it. If you've sat in your bedroom who two years solely playing video games, then you must have the mental capacity of a peanut. Getting a job isn't as easy as most people think it is, but it doesn't mean you have to do nothing. Put some clothes on, stop hibernating and go and do something in the big, beautiful world. Not having a job doesn't mean you don't have a life. You're a disgrace to humanity; and peanuts.

P.S. A Misathrope's Guide to Folkestone and Hythe... Is that to be the sequel of A Misathrope's Guide to London?

While My Life Slowly Slips Past, I Sleep

I don't entrust many tasks to my alarm clocks, but the ones I do, I expect it to do properly. In fact, my alarm clocks are actually only used for one task, once a day, 5 days a week. This is a job they have been designed solely to do. This job is to wake me up at a precise time. The problem is, no alarm clock seems to be able to actually do that task. Over the past six months, I could probably count how many times I've woken up successfully by, just my alarm clocks and with no help from other devices or human forms, on both my hands.

This has been a problem that I have suffered with most my life. I have had many alarm clocks and difference devices over the years to try and wake me up in the mornings, so I'm not late for what the day ahead has in store for me. For many years I had a Simpsons Alarm clock, which had different sayings said by Bart Simpson, which it would repeat until I pressed a button disguised as a drain cover. That has been sewn onto my soul for the rest of my life. There is an episode of The Simpsons where Bart shoots a bird. That episode includes two of the phrases which my alarm clock yelled every morning. Whenever I watch that episode, my brain automatically thinks I've over slept. I cannot watch that episode for that very reason.

I matured and then got two new alarm clocks. Not because I'm greedy, but just because I'm that useless at early mornings. One was a Science Museum clock which done lots of cool things and has what can only be described as a classic alarm clock sound. It has a button which projects the time to the ceiling and it can tell you the room temperature. This was my back-up clock which I would set to go off ten minutes after the first one to make sure I awoke. However, it barely works now and with various bits breaking, it is now only good for measuring the temperature.

The second alarm clock is equally over-designed. The only way to describe its physical appearance is to say that it is a Cyclopes' eye with a black baton impaled through the top of it. The bottom 'Cyclopes' part is a speaker, while the top 'impaled baton' part is a digital display of the time. It is a radio alarm clock. Due to the fact that it is tuned to Heart Radio and the fact that Heart Radio play the same playlist every morning, it is guaranteed that either a Lady Gaga or Take That song will be played when the alarm is set to go off. It has a good feature that to make it snooze, you just push the alarm clock due to the fact it rolls about on the 'eye'/speaker.

The problem is, 5 years later, that doesn't wake me up anymore. I will happily just sleep through the mindless jabbering of the breakfast hosts - no matter how high I set the volume. I had to stop having it on loud because I would wake up with a pounding headache. This means there is no hope of me waking up. I have tried other ways around this problem. For example, I have a speaker pillow. A nifty product I brought a while ago from Hawkins Bazaar. I plug my iPod into it and set the alarm on my iPod. When set properly, it works a treat. When it isn't, I'll just carry on sleeping. You have to make sure the volume is up high, and you have to make sure to exit all the menus for the alarm to be set. Not a reliable way of waking up when controlled by a man with a bad memory and not enough common sense to set an alarm clock.

I have tried using my phone's alarm. This works. However, it is highly annoying and when I use this method, I undoubtedly wake up in a foul mood. Also, in a way reminiscent of The Simpsons alarm clock, when I hear the tone I have on my phone in everyday life, I get in an awful panic and bumble about like an idiot for a few seconds. I have a Samsung, and my alarm tone is the default Samsung tone. So, I can be walking down the street and someone's phone will go off, or I can be watching TV, and someone's phone will go off on Coronation Street and the bumbling fool within is released.  It is as if my alarm clocks hypnotise me.

Now, my alarm is set to 7am, but I don't think I have actually woken up at that time in many years. My phone alarm is set to 7:30am. I will always wake up at this point. However, if I don't stop it quickly, it grates against my mind and the longer it goes on for, the worse my mood. This is where the Snooze feature on my phone comes in handy. Every 3 minutes it will go off until finally it will annoy me so much, I just get out of bed. However, sometimes I can carry on this charade for half an hour, just every 3 minutes putting it onto snooze. Before you know it, its 8am and I have to leave for school in 20 minutes.

It seems the key to waking me up is to repeat an annoying sound over and over again until finally I crack and wake up in a fit of rage. The problem with that method is that I am left in that mood the rest of the day. I thought I could just get a normal, basic alarm clock which will annoy me every morning, thus waking me up, but I don't like the idea of being annoyed every morning now. Then I thought I could get an alarm clock which I could dock my iPod into, and I then create a playlist with loud songs which I like. What a great way to enter the day; but I'm not sure it is actually annoying enough to wake me up.

However, just to be annoying; if someone rings the house phone or texts me on my mobile, I will wake up and be alert instantly. I suppose that means if I worked in a call centre, there would be no problems with me missing phone calls whenever I had a kip.

So here, I face a conundrum. Do I get an alarm clock to really piss me off? Do I get an alarm clock which will ease me into the day with a smile, but possibly not work? Or, do I pay a very reliable person to phone or text me every morning at 7:30am?

P.S. I just want to say, if you are reading this blog as a result of me applying for a job at your humble company, I am reliable and never late, despite everything I just typed... Also, I can make a mean cup of tea!