While My Life Slowly Slips Past, I Sleep

I don't entrust many tasks to my alarm clocks, but the ones I do, I expect it to do properly. In fact, my alarm clocks are actually only used for one task, once a day, 5 days a week. This is a job they have been designed solely to do. This job is to wake me up at a precise time. The problem is, no alarm clock seems to be able to actually do that task. Over the past six months, I could probably count how many times I've woken up successfully by, just my alarm clocks and with no help from other devices or human forms, on both my hands.

This has been a problem that I have suffered with most my life. I have had many alarm clocks and difference devices over the years to try and wake me up in the mornings, so I'm not late for what the day ahead has in store for me. For many years I had a Simpsons Alarm clock, which had different sayings said by Bart Simpson, which it would repeat until I pressed a button disguised as a drain cover. That has been sewn onto my soul for the rest of my life. There is an episode of The Simpsons where Bart shoots a bird. That episode includes two of the phrases which my alarm clock yelled every morning. Whenever I watch that episode, my brain automatically thinks I've over slept. I cannot watch that episode for that very reason.

I matured and then got two new alarm clocks. Not because I'm greedy, but just because I'm that useless at early mornings. One was a Science Museum clock which done lots of cool things and has what can only be described as a classic alarm clock sound. It has a button which projects the time to the ceiling and it can tell you the room temperature. This was my back-up clock which I would set to go off ten minutes after the first one to make sure I awoke. However, it barely works now and with various bits breaking, it is now only good for measuring the temperature.

The second alarm clock is equally over-designed. The only way to describe its physical appearance is to say that it is a Cyclopes' eye with a black baton impaled through the top of it. The bottom 'Cyclopes' part is a speaker, while the top 'impaled baton' part is a digital display of the time. It is a radio alarm clock. Due to the fact that it is tuned to Heart Radio and the fact that Heart Radio play the same playlist every morning, it is guaranteed that either a Lady Gaga or Take That song will be played when the alarm is set to go off. It has a good feature that to make it snooze, you just push the alarm clock due to the fact it rolls about on the 'eye'/speaker.

The problem is, 5 years later, that doesn't wake me up anymore. I will happily just sleep through the mindless jabbering of the breakfast hosts - no matter how high I set the volume. I had to stop having it on loud because I would wake up with a pounding headache. This means there is no hope of me waking up. I have tried other ways around this problem. For example, I have a speaker pillow. A nifty product I brought a while ago from Hawkins Bazaar. I plug my iPod into it and set the alarm on my iPod. When set properly, it works a treat. When it isn't, I'll just carry on sleeping. You have to make sure the volume is up high, and you have to make sure to exit all the menus for the alarm to be set. Not a reliable way of waking up when controlled by a man with a bad memory and not enough common sense to set an alarm clock.

I have tried using my phone's alarm. This works. However, it is highly annoying and when I use this method, I undoubtedly wake up in a foul mood. Also, in a way reminiscent of The Simpsons alarm clock, when I hear the tone I have on my phone in everyday life, I get in an awful panic and bumble about like an idiot for a few seconds. I have a Samsung, and my alarm tone is the default Samsung tone. So, I can be walking down the street and someone's phone will go off, or I can be watching TV, and someone's phone will go off on Coronation Street and the bumbling fool within is released.  It is as if my alarm clocks hypnotise me.

Now, my alarm is set to 7am, but I don't think I have actually woken up at that time in many years. My phone alarm is set to 7:30am. I will always wake up at this point. However, if I don't stop it quickly, it grates against my mind and the longer it goes on for, the worse my mood. This is where the Snooze feature on my phone comes in handy. Every 3 minutes it will go off until finally it will annoy me so much, I just get out of bed. However, sometimes I can carry on this charade for half an hour, just every 3 minutes putting it onto snooze. Before you know it, its 8am and I have to leave for school in 20 minutes.

It seems the key to waking me up is to repeat an annoying sound over and over again until finally I crack and wake up in a fit of rage. The problem with that method is that I am left in that mood the rest of the day. I thought I could just get a normal, basic alarm clock which will annoy me every morning, thus waking me up, but I don't like the idea of being annoyed every morning now. Then I thought I could get an alarm clock which I could dock my iPod into, and I then create a playlist with loud songs which I like. What a great way to enter the day; but I'm not sure it is actually annoying enough to wake me up.

However, just to be annoying; if someone rings the house phone or texts me on my mobile, I will wake up and be alert instantly. I suppose that means if I worked in a call centre, there would be no problems with me missing phone calls whenever I had a kip.

So here, I face a conundrum. Do I get an alarm clock to really piss me off? Do I get an alarm clock which will ease me into the day with a smile, but possibly not work? Or, do I pay a very reliable person to phone or text me every morning at 7:30am?

P.S. I just want to say, if you are reading this blog as a result of me applying for a job at your humble company, I am reliable and never late, despite everything I just typed... Also, I can make a mean cup of tea!

Stuart's In-Car Entertainment Conundrum

What am I suppose to do for in-car entertainment when I have a dodgy radio with a tape deck that does not work and cannot afford to buy a new radio? Well, I probably could afford to buy a radio for my car, but it would mean I'd have no money for petrol to actually drive the car. This means I am left with only the radio in my car seeing, but which radio station to choose? I have absolutely no idea what to listen to in my car. I have the choice of the local Heart station, KMFM, Classic FM, Radio 1, Radio 2 and something French which only works occasionally.

Now, I cannot decide which station to tune my car radio too. Heart actually gets the best signal while driving around, so this is a positive. However, I have more than two brain cells. I am not stupid enough to listen to Heart. I have 12 GCSE's and I'm attempting A-levels. I don't plan on lowering my intelligence by listening to the same 15 songs over and over again. We can unanimously agree that the station that prides itself on having 'The Best Music Variety' actually plays some of the worst songs from the same genre. I don't like Sugababes, I've listened to so much Leona Lewis that I'm becoming paranoid that Simon Cowell is trying to brainwash me, been turned almost insane by Lady Gaga's Pokerface and I am losing my patience of Take That's song 'Patience' always being played.
My Dad has always had Heart (or Invicta as our local station used to be called) playing in the car, and I know far too much about James Hemming's personal life from listening every morning that I can't help but think I'm stalking him. You can understand that I don't want to have Heart playing every time I get in the car, and the fact that Geri Halliwell has a show on it, makes me more determined to never be associated with it. I find one of the joys of driving being that I can pick the radio station to listen too. Sure the independence is good, but I can now choose the music, and if I put Heart, it will make all that time learning to drive, wasted. So, it seems I won't be 'having a Heart' any time soon. And as for the other local station KMFM, well the same reasons apply to that, just insert different and lesser known names.

Listening to Radio 1 just makes me feel old, despite the fact I am only 17. I really am not 'hip-hop' enough to listen to that station. It does have good points about it though, with it having Chris Moyles in the morning and Scott Mills in the afternoon, both people I could easily listen to all day. Over the past few days I have had my car radio tuned to Radio 1, purely because I have enjoyed listening to Chris Moyles and the rest of the entourage while stuck in traffic on the way to school. I can even put up with a majority of the music he plays in the middle of his waffling, and I even found myself singing along to McFly - Stargirl on Friday as I parked my car. Then if I'm late driving home (like I have been most days recently) I get to listen to Scott Mills as I drive home, and usually time it just right so I listen to the news - not the most interesting thing to listen to, but better than hearing JLS's new song.
However, when I drive my car in the middle of the day, I am forced to listen to Fearne Cotton. I used to like her, but I now just find her whining blondness irritating. Her taste in music, I don't like either. This is why I cannot have Radio 1 permanently on in my car. I seem to be one of the only people who get road rage at the radio instead of other drivers. The annoying thing with Radio 1 is that they can play a song that I actually really like, then follow it with Madcon's new release - two completely different genres. It annoys me that this station is allowed to keep going while BBC 6 Music faces closure. I fully understand that the point of paying the license fee is that a greater variety can be given to the public, whether it is the banter and great music of BBC 6 Music or the just plain idiocy of Radio 1, but why get rid of one and not the other? Anyway, I digress...

I would listen to Radio 2 if my car radio could actually find a decent signal which didn't cut off every few seconds. Maybe the target audience is for people in their thirties and forties, but they play much better music that Radio 1 and their playlist seems to be longer than that of Heart. The recent departure of Terry Wogan is sad, but I think maybe he has been doing the job for far too long, and handing over to Chris Evans was good. Sure, it has divided people in their opinions, with some thinking that Evans could not replace Wogan's raconteur skills, and others thinking that Evans in the morning 'brightens up their day'. Despite the BBC being worried that the target age range of Radio 2 is slipping, it is still rather a good radio station, and one could ask 'Why does it matter?' As long as people are listening, why does it matter what age range are listening?
The other station that actually works properly is Classic FM. I'm not cultured enough to listen to that station. Maybe if I feel I have listened to Radio 1 too much and that my intellect is slowly dropping, I'll listen to 20 minutes of classical music just to top it up again. However, as a radio station to listen to on the drive to school every day? Well, let's just say it doesn't appeal to me. Infact, driving down to Dover and going straight over the cliffs seems more appealing.

What am I to do between now and being about to afford a brand new radio for my car with a CD player and a place to plug my iPod into? Shall I just drive around in silence with my own thoughts? Should I listen to Heart and risk my brain blowing up after hearing Cheryl Cole’s new song for the 175,867th time, just in case they play a Kings of Leon or Snow Patrol track in the time I'm in the car? Do I listen to Radio 1 and try to be 'down wiv da kidz' and being entertained by the likes of Moyles and Mills but annoyed by the stupidness of Cotton? Maybe I could listen to Radio 2 and have a good mix of songs and DJ-ing but lose the signal every other minute? Or should I just put Classic FM on while driving down to Dover?

I really have no idea, and it is annoying me. I think I may have to give up soon and borrow some money off a Dad who no longer has to drive me everywhere (somehow, I very much doubt that). I suppose I could just go without petrol for a few weeks and push the car everywhere I go, but put the volume up loud so I can hear it while I push it down the dual carriageway every morning. Either way, I don't think I am going to be able to last much longer before I go mad with my own thoughts while I drive everywhere. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being able to drive everywhere, go where ever and do it at whatever time I please, but some decent music would be appreciated.
Maybe I should set up my own personal radio station in which I give them my iTunes collection and ask them to play through them. However, I'm thinking it will probably be cheaper to buy a new car. Any advice you have for me would be great, as it is 'driving' me mad. Budum Tshh.

A whole blog just to make that terrible pun...