An In-depth Moan About Specific Issues with Television Programs

We now live in an age where we have 3D, HD, curved, smart televisions that understand voice and hand commands, and do everything apart from ordering you a takeaway in time to watch your favourite program. Therefore, it could be considered that we're in the golden age of televisual viewing. The quality of picture and sound that the television can emit is exemplary. However, I can't help but feel that the one thing that lets it down, are the actual programs on the television.

It would now be easy for me to then list off the garbage that is actually on the television. Everyone does that; and I've done it many times before. The Real Celebrity Chef Apprentices' Made in Essex Factor, or whatever these faux reality/talent shows are called, come to mind. It would also be easy for me to berate how tediously repetitive, formulaic and idiotic the shows, their content, and their viewers, are. How producers plan 'real' lives to be entertaining viewing. Or how they carefully pick contestants that viewers will hate, that are unfit for purpose, or one's that will bicker to the end of time.

No, that isn't where I was going with this. I mean the actual quality and approach to producing and airing programs.

Let's take Peaky Blinders as my first example. Fantastic series, and please consider this as me riding on the bandwagon of everyone saying so. It is gripping. It is gritty. It has jeopardy. It is has fantastic characters (and a marvellous bunch of actors), who have interesting back stories, and all hold integral roles in how the main story plays out. And it has a brilliant soundtrack of songs that are used to beautifully match the feel of specific scenes, and the series as a whole. Having only seen the second series, I can easily say it is one of the best things that have been on the box over the past five years.

BUT, they mumble so much. Whoever was in charge of recording the voices, did a shocking job. I have the TV volume turned right up, and I still have to really concentrate to understand what they're saying. I would watch with subtitles on if I didn't think it detracted from the series.

This is a problem which I'm finding with a lot of television. I have the TV turned up so I can hear what is being said, and then the adverts start and I have to quickly fumble for the remote so the volume doesn't perforate my eardrums. Why does everyone have to mumble? Can they not just turn the sound up on the actual program? I'm only 22. I feel really sorry for anyone over 80 trying to watch television.

Let's take Coronation Street as my second example, but this is an issue which exists in other programs. Background noise; I bloody hate it. I have a decent set of speakers  plugged into the back of my TV, and they produce good surround sound. So if a character is watching television, whilst having a conversation with someone else, all I can hear is the noise from their TV, and it's highly distracting.

Switch to another house, and they're doing their washing. It has absolutely nothing to do with the story, but they have insisted on putting a washing machine noise in the background. I'm now sat, ears pricked up, wondering what is making that whirring noise in my flat. I know they're trying to authenticate real life, but that is perhaps one step too far.

If you're lucky enough to be watching a drama with no sound issues, then chances are you can't see what is actually happening. Producers don't understand that a dark drama doesn't literally mean making the picture dark. Peaky Blinders is one example, and most drama series set in the Victorian period or during the war suffer the same. There must be a compromise between authenticating life before the 100 watt bulbs and being able to actually see.

However, Sherlock is a good example of being dark. The first series was terrible. As soon as anything happens at night in Sherlock, I might as well be watching an audio book. It has no excuse either. London is a brightly-lit city. I understand all about using the senses to emulate how emotionally dark the scene might be, but I just wish they would tone it down; well, up, surely…?

And not that I have actually watched it myself, but from the clips I have seen of The Missing on BBC 1 seems to have been shot with an Instagram filter. Everything has that blueish-green tint to it. That isn't how life actually is! Well, not until they invent contact lenses that will give the normal drudgery of life that unappealing hue; if they haven't already.

So, let's assume you've found a program which you can hear and see clearly, free from anything which actually detracts from the episode. Brilliant. Expect the chances are, you already know everything that is to happen, and therefore taking away any possible sense of intrigue or peril. The trailers for programs are far too revealing, and continuity announcers say too much. I understand the desire to draw the potential viewer in, and a way of doing that is by briefly showing the best moments from the upcoming show.

The biggest recent offender, is the Doctor Who series finale. During the first episode of the two-parter, there were lots of very clever and subtle hints towards who the enemy was. 'Ah, I recognise that design… Where have I seen that before?' is what I could have been saying if I hadn't been told the week before.  At the end of the episode, there was the big reveal. That would have been a great moment, full of suspense and intrigue, if only I didn't already know it was the Cybermen. I had worked so hard to avoid all the season spoilers that existed on the Internet, content with my own guesses, to have the BBC ruin it for me instead.

Maybe continuity announcers have to reveal as much as they do, purely so the viewer can get a gist of what they're missing through inadequate sound and picture?

The Greatest Show On Earth

I enjoyed the Olympic Opening Ceremony so much, that I think I might just series link them all. I was cynical about the entire thing, but I was wrong to be so because it was an amazing thing to witness - right from the beginning to end, despite the even lasting for nearly four hours.

The opening clip with the animation of the journey down the River Thames was very well done, and was actually quite funny I thought. However, this show wasn't just for us Brit's - it was for the entire World, and like many people have said: I'm not sure they really got most of it.

Dancing With Vampires

Does anyone remember the days when Vampires were only in Horror movies and were something to fear and when dancing used to be thought of as 'uncool'? I do. It wasn't that long ago really. How much things change in a few years. Now every teenage girl wants either a Vampire or a Werewolf as their boyfriend and every man wants to go Ice Scatting while thrusting a beautiful foreign dancer around his hips.
There are so many Vampire movies and television programs these days which portray Vampire's as kind supernatural creatures who are all really 'hot' and know every single cheesy line to make a girls heart melt. If you watch an old horror movie they were portrayed as viscous creates who only wanted young teenage girls because their blood was considered the best. The worst thing is, all these modern shows all follow roughly the same concept.

Let’s see. You have the 'Twilight' series. 'True Blood'. 'Being Human'. 'Vampire Diaries'. Then you have all the parodies of these, and trust me, there are a lot on the Internet. Fashion has now been bitten by the fangs of Vampire Culture (that was quite a good metaphor you have to admit) and if you're not dressed in black velvet then chances are you're wearing something that you saw being worn on one of these shows/movies and though 'I got to get that'. I have nothing against this new trend in Popular Culture, but why does it have to be so samey? For example. When did Vampires become so blooming hot? You would have never of seen Dracula walking around with his cape off, showing everyone his torso.

Then you have dancing as well. If you are not 'Dancing On Ice', it's 'Strictly Come Dancing' or maybe you watch 'So You Think You Can Dance' or possibly even 'Got To Dance'. . Again, I have absolutely nothing against dancing or people who can dance (I may envy them slightly. I make 'Dad Dancing' look good, that's how bad I am. Maybe someone will teach me, but for now, let’s carry on with the blog shall we?), but it is all so perfect, with Pop Stars judging. What the hell does Geri Halliwell know about Ice Dancing? And Alesha Dixon. You took part last year, so what. You're not going to tune in to Britain's Got Talent to find that Piers Morgan has been replaced with Stavros Flatley (However, I wish it would happen).

There is even a new dancing show on BBC 3 called 'Dancing On Wheels' in which people who are disabled dance in Wheelchairs. I'm surprised that the BBC hasn’t moved it to BBC 1 on Primetime Saturday television - surely this would be a big hit. I haven't watched the show, so I can't really comment, but what idiot thought that would be a good idea? The BBC probably needed a way of showing they don't discriminate, so gave them an obscure show of their own.
This year, the biggest thing Dancing On Ice has had going for it is Heather Mills. I am actually yet to meet a person who likes her, so when people found out she would be on Dancing On Ice, everyone smiled. Not at the prospect of seeing her every Sunday on our television, but because the whole nation crossed their fingers that when she done a spin, her leg would come flying off, then she'd trip and maybe if we were lucky, crack her head open. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Now she's been voted - there is no point in watching it. I admire them for being able to do it, seeing as I've even mastered Skating On Ice yet - if I ever do, but doesn't mean it is that entertaining.

That doesn't mean there is no point in watching it though. You have to remember that I am a single and lonely teenager, and Holly Willoughby's dresses appeal to me greatly. She is perfection. What man doesn't look at her and think 'Wow, those are lovely'. It is true, she is one of my celebrity crushes and in fact that is the only reason why I am following her Twitter.

Now, a plea to any Television producers who may have stumbled upon this blog (you never know). I want to propose to you a show which I would call 'Dancing With Vampires'. What it will do is mix the two genres of modern Pop Culture. It will appeal to the dance fanatics of the country who are bored of Ice Rinks and Ballrooms and we set it in an abandoned Church. That is where all the new fans of Vampires and other Supernatural beings. You have a load of Vampires who dance with eachother in this derelict building.

Instead of dancing to cheesy pop songs from the 70's or having an orchestra playing we play rock music for them to dance to. I'm thinking maybe Muse, some Paramore, possibly Radiohead, Fall Out Boy, Panic At The Disco, Biffy Clyro, 30 Seconds To Mars and maybe even some Franz Ferdinand. This way we are appealing to the lovers of that kind of music, and stereotypically people who like Twilight and the like, listen to that kind of music. Of course, this music is harder to choreograph a dance for, and therefore the dancing will be more difficult so this will intrigue the dance lovers.

I have put a lot of thought into this. Every dance show needs a judging panel, and this one would be no different. You would have Avril Lavigne as the expert as a lot of her music videos having dancing in them which would be similar to the genre of dancing found in this brand new show. Then you need some eye candy which is where Avril Lavigne comes in for the lads. No guessing who that would be for the females; yes we would persuade Robert Pattinson to sit on the panel. Then, in the middle, we will tie Jason Gardiner and force him to sit there and comment on the dancing. 'Why tie him to a chair though?' I hear you thinking. Well, I don't like. Therefore, whenever he says something the audience do not like, they're allowed to throw stuff at him. If he tied, then he cannot escape. We would also have Fern Cotton as the dumb one who knows nothing about dancing but knows what she thinks looks nice.
Presenter wise, I am more than happy to contract Holly Willoughby to do the job, so long as she continues to wear revealing dresses. I will also allow Phillip Scoffield to co-host if she won't do it without him. Now I have pitched my idea, I look forward to your response. The channel to offer me the highest amount of money will get it.

You may laugh at me now, but when I'm sitting here rolling in money from the Phone-in lines, I will have all doubters killed.

After Watching Six Weeks Of Day Time Telly, I Like The Idea Of Suicide...

Welcome back blog readers, and just to reiterate, I'm not contemplating suicide, and if I was, I'm not so shallow that the cause of it would be watching Television. Anyway, there are two reasons for me separating this blog into two parts. A) because of the length; I don't like posting blogs that are so long that no-one is going to bother to read them, so posting it as two blogs give me more versatility to its length. And B) I'm going to mention Thomas the Tank Engine in this blog, and it didn't feel right talking about Sex and Kids TV in the same blog - however, it would have been a nice Juxtaposition.

Compared to night time television, watching television is just as dull. Also, in my title, I've lied again. Not only do I not like the idea of suicide, but I've actually not watched a great deal of television during the day time. Anyway, my current addiction on television during the day is Thomas the Tank Engine on Five. Because it's on early in the morning (about 8:30, which is when I'm still sleeping), I record it, and watch it at some point during the day. It was once my favourite show on Television as a child, and seeing it brought back to life certainly made me laugh when I watched the new stuff for the first time. For example, the theme tune I absolutely hate (however, you can (and I do) sing along to the new one), the original was far much better in my opinion, but then maybe that is because it was the version I was first exposed to, plus the original brings back so many memories.
However, because of new animation technologies, the quality of the show itself now is far better, with the mouths and people actually moving and the Fat Controller (There's also a Thin Controller as well) actually looking more alive, thanks to CGI, compared to his look in the original series which was a novelty salt dispenser. After 321 stories, you'd expect the show to have derailed (see what I done there), but the story lines entertain me just as well as they used to when I was 3 years old. I have a huge collection of Thomas toys from my childhood, kept in a cupboard and I was once a member of the Thomas the Tank Engine fan club, and I suppose I still am, because I've cancelled my membership. I love it, and I'm not ashamed of it!

Anyway, from something I love to something I loathe - The Jeremy Kyle Show. Jeremy, the messiah to the unemployed and host to the stereotypical Pickey families, is possibly one of the worst Television personalities currently on TV; just behind Piers Morgan and Kerry Katona, but just ahead of the Loose Women hags, which I'll get onto soon. He doesn't try and calm down arguments between families and lovers at all, or in any way help, he just gets involved with the ranting himself and ignites it so the audience can get involved which leads to the woman in the tracksuit (yet she only runs when she hears an Ice Cream Van) sobs, so Jeremy can then shout at her cheating boyfriend saying it's his fault, when it's Jeremy shouting in her face, telling her that she shouldn't let him walk all over her.
I will be honest, I watched an episode of the show yesterday, but so I can get material to write about, as I'm not really a big viewer of the show. He seems to have an anger issue as one minute he can be talking calmly to one of his targets, understanding the situation, where the whole time, in his mind he judges them, and then cracks and shouts at them telling them that they need to sort their life out, to which the audience, who he has herded in from the park opposite a Chip Shop, who all clap and boo like a pantomime audience who are high on caffeine from Cherry flavoured coke, thinking it was one of their 5-a-day. The show is essentially everything I hate about Britain and people in general.

Now onto Loose Women, which is a show I couldn't bring myself to watch because they just irritate me because the show is just a live feed of a gathering of middle-aged harpies, sitting around a table gossiping about their husbands and occasionally attempting to have a political conversation about something none of the audience know about and they themselves are trying to attempt to understand. They get one other person, whether they be male or female, to sit in the middle of the 5 caldron stirrers, to plug their new book or TV show and attempt to fit in with their biased views on relationships and celebrities. If these 5 women were alive many centuries ago, they would be considered to be witches and it wouldn't be called a 'TV Show', it would be considered to be coven (a gathering of witches).

Guilty pleasures of mine are these auction programs which are on during the afternoon. A favourite of mine is Dickenson's Real Deal, and I seem to be convinced I know more about the worth of these ancient artefacts and their worth than the experts on the show. When a woman brings a tea set and tells the expert that it has been in her family for over 4 generations and I sit their coming up with a price in my head, and I yell at the television when the expert announces it's worth less than my estimate. Obviously, they're right and I'm usually wrong, but I am still convinced I know more than them.
I quite liked a bit I saw the other day where a man brings on a portrait of a women, and the expert says 'This doesn't really float my boat', and I felt compelled to shout 'Of course it wouldn't, it's a framed piece of canvas, not liquid!' It's all part of my new sarcastic/literal sense of humour, where I take everything serious. It will annoy everyone soon, but anyway, this is my guilty pleasure of the daytime television schedule.

Something else, which can be watched during the night, and during the day, are these dating channels, which are quite funny to sit and watch, and are great for someone with low self esteem to watch, to build it up. I sit and watch it, only for a few minutes, and I read the comments which are posted on the channel, which are people constantly attempting to be vaguely humorous to get a reply to their dating ad. It's just the most pathetic thing to sit and read, but it makes me feel much better about my love situation, however non-existent it is. And it's called 'Rabbit', which in a subconscious way, implies that they'll get a date and have 20 children with them. There's even a channel called 'Gay Rabbit' which does the same thing, but for gay people, but I'm not going to go into the implications of that name...

Now onto the best news for the television schedule this year. Big Brother has now finally finished for this year. Apparently, a woman called Sophie won, and she has very nice assets from pictures I've seen, but it's quite obvious, one of her assets isn't her brains and wit. Either way, I don't care, because it's over and means that television isn't scheduled around live footage of people sleeping and sitting around bitching about everyone else behind their back. That therefore means that Scrubs will now be added to the daily schedule on E4 like it was before, so that's something to look forward to and watch again.

On that happy note, I shall end...
Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

After Watching Six Weeks Of Night Time Telly, I Like The Idea Of Suicide...

Actually, that's a lie, I don't like the idea of suicide, and within one sentence I've criticised myself, but that's beside the point - Television is really quite depressing these days. The Summer Holidays have come to an end, and I've not done much, apart from watch TV. We don't have Sky in our house (because apparently I watch too much TV already) so we only have Freeview, but it still offers me plenty of things to watch during the day, and during the night. I'm not used to watching TV during the day, or late at night and it's a very odd experience.

This will be my first two-part blog since April, and the first addition will be on night time telly, which seems to go all very odd once the clock strikes Midnight. Some channels just repeat what was shown during the evening like BBC 3, and Dave do. BBC 1 entertains the deaf with sign language, and they must think deaf people don't need to sleep, or that they are nocturnal. BBC 2 just shows 'The Wire' which everyone raves about, but I've never watched and is followed by hour after hour of news. ITV shows a program called Nightwatch, which I've failed to see the point of. One episode will be of red arrows, and the next will be talking to rape victims. Channel 4, as well as E4 (and Channel 4+1 and E4+1) show constant footage throughout the night of the Big Brother Housemates sleeping - However that'll change tonight, seeing as today is the last day this year’s Big Brother.
I heard the best news last week, which is that we only have to cope with one more year of the insufferable Big Brother. I wasn't sure how to celebrate. I can't help but feel it was thanks to me, if only slightly, because of my blog moaning about Big Brother a few weeks ago, and my numerous blogs complaining about Jade Goody. Feel free to thank me. I must say thank-you, to you I suppose, for making Big Brother less popular and making Channel 4 executives realise that it’s shit. Next year will be the eleventh year, and that's far too long for it to have carried on.

Anyway, back to night time telly. Five do a show called 'Quiz Call', when it's not showing American sports for some reason, which seems to be a theme of a lot channels during the early hours of the day. There are channels which are dedicated to them, and they allow people who are even too stupid to understand the rules of ‘Deal or no Deal’ to win small amounts of cash. It offers questions like 'Name something you'd find in a woman's handbag'. One answer was 'Raw plugs' and another was 'A Bandana'. I suppose you never know when you could be asked to sneak into a building site without being seen to put a shelf up on a brick wall.
You can also play Roulette on the Telly, which is something which is shown on numerous channels. All these quizzes are hosted by stupid, blonde girls and boys. I say host, they actually just work as a call operator while being filmed by a TV camera. All they do is ask what the callers answer is and tell them if it's right or wrong. Mind you, it's a step higher in Television land than working on a 'Male Entertainment Channel' as I believe they're called.

Channels like 'BabeSation' and 'Partyland' are part of this category, where a women lays provocatively in front of a camera for a few hours, while they talk to people (I can guarantee you, they're mostly men) on the phone, while thrusting their hips as if their pelvis is somehow having an epileptic fit, while wear tongs and maybe even bra if they're a bit self-conscious. You're probably sitting there thinking that this appeals to me, seeing as I am a single, male teenager, but you know what, you're wrong. I actually find it rather repulsive, especially when they occasionally talk - they're not exactly the most educated of people, but then that's probably made obvious by their job.
The writing at the bottom of the screen always makes me laugh when it says 'Call now, for a chat' which reminds of a Lee Evans joke, and I find myself in hysterics watching what is essentially, a porn channel. In the words of Lee Evans, 'Who's calling her for a chat, why don't they just say it - Call now, FOR A WANK!'

Adverts during the night are also very odd. They're always trying to sell you a JML product which will in some way improve your life and trick you into thinking 'I do need a vacuum cleaner which I can carry on my back, just like a backpack' and even 'You know, I've always wanted a mop that can steam clean hard floor surfaces’. These are things which we've lived without quiet happily, but for some reason, we now require. If they're not doing that, they're sex related. Whether it's for a sex chat line, or a dating text service, they're odd adverts. Sex chat lines are just like the channels I've just spoken about, but you can't see them, and they're probably a 50-something, overweight women walking around the house cleaning, while pretending to be an 20 year old, slender, busty blonde. The dating text services can manipulate just as easily. Think you're texting a local women, who sounds like the woman of your dreams and is apparently outgoing, yet no-one actually knows of her? It's probably a computer.
Maybe I'm too cynical, and it is all real and people have found true love with real people, but then at least if I'm cynical, I am less likely to want to try and I can save myself £1.50 every time I text the comput - I mean an attractive female.

Something I watched for the first time a few weeks ago is the Kerry Katona documentary about her 'normal' life on TMF. I say I watched it, I don't think being mesmerised and intrigued by it for five minutes before changing the channel and being ashamed with myself, is really watching it. I seemed to be more ashamed of myself for watching a few moments of Kerry Katona than I was after watching a few minutes of Babestation, but then I'm weird like that. The bit I saw was Kerry moaning about something in which was printed in the newspaper about her and laying on the bed, paying no attention to her child or her husband and talking to the camera. I've been assured that is the basis of every episode apart from the occasional time where she goes to a physiatrist for some reason I couldn't care less about. At least I now know I've not been missing anything of any slight interest.

I've come to the conclusion, that if I want to watch something which is slightly more interesting that what is on the television after Midnight, I could just switch my Lava Lamp on, and watch it for hour upon hour, while simultaneously waiting for white paint to dry and constantly boiling a kettle, just for the sake of it while flicking through a catalogue of women's clothing. Or in other words, it's very dull and tedious but can deliver the occasional bit of excitement.

I'm pleased with that analogy; I'm getting in practice. Anyway, I shall end the blog on that slightly humorous point and I'll be back tomorrow with a blog on daytime television.

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx