I'm the Cockney Chameleon without a Job

Over three years ago I wrote a blog announcing that I would soon be moving to London, where I would be attending the University of East London to study Journalism and Creative and Professional Writing. I spoke mostly about how worried I was about having to endure the local language, and how I was fearful of catching Cockney, and becaming alll Landan like. I now write this blog post, having completed my degree and moved out of our outrageously-priced South London flat that overlooked the Thames.

I confidently stipulated that I was 'not worried about picking up the accent and the slang however, because I'm very hard to influence.' Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to have been the case. Many people have been noting that I have a slight Landan twang. Luckily, I don't think it's critical, and I should be able to recover; in time at least.

However, I have become somewhat of a chameleon, being able to assume a persona which is similar to those around me. Back home in Kent, I am a bumbling, slightly posh-sounding lad. Should a Cockney gas engineer enter our flat, my language and personality change; partly in a foolish attempt to sound more manly and in a desperate attempt to be accepted. "Alright mate? How's traffic get'in 'ere? Bin busy? You still got your motors?" And so on.

A drawing for A Misanthrope's Guide to London, by Chris Parsons.
(Click to enlarge)

Our flat was very nice; apart from the constant presence of gas engineers having to resuscitate our boiler back into life. Oh, and apart from the numerous water leaks; all those magical evenings spent mopping up water from under the now bowed laminate flooring. Mind you, that's made up for by the evenings I spent watching the woman across the road get naked with her blinds still open; until she noticed. Those memories will remain with me for a long time. However, not as long as the dent left in my savings by paying nearly £1,000 a month for a flat. We could have never afforded that place if it wasn't for our generous student loans.

It's a cliché I've heard an innumerable amount of times, but those three years at University really did fly past. It doesn't seem that long ago since myself, my other half and a box of half-eaten pizza, were abandoned in Landon by my parents and left to endure the next chapter of our lives. Well, that chapter is finished, and it ended with us getting 2:1s, so yes, thank you for your congratulation. However, my grade is still a sore point. I was less than 1% away from a 1st. 0.4% more would have given me a 1st. And you know what? I can pinpoint the exact mistake in my dissertation that lost me that higher grade. If I had just italicised the words A Misanthrope's Guide to London, in the handful of times I wrote them together, I think I would have gotten a 1st. FOR FU...

Anyway, it was a mixed three years. I met lots of, as everyone says, awesome and amazing people who were mostly all far more talented than I. Some modules I loved and excelled at, and others I hated and just about scraped through. There is something about Sociology that makes me look and feel like I've just had a lobotomy. The next time someone talks me about the similarity between Adorno's theory of the Culture Industry and Marxism, I think I'll go into a coma from which I'll never awaken.

The Creative and Professional Writing side of my degree has proved invaluable, and despite feeling trepidation about what it would entail, I absolutely loved almost every minute. It made me read books I never would have, and yet enjoyed. It pushed me to constantly improve my writing, which having read some of my old stuff, is glaringly obvious. It has even made me look at my own writing very differently, and I have produced pieces I could not be prouder of. My dissertation project A Misanthrope's Guide to London, is one such example where I have really honed my style of writing. That is in no little part thanks to the teaching on the course.

At the start, I was most looking forward to the Journalism side of my studies, and I did very well and learnt a great deal. However, towards the end I dreaded Journalism modules. That was, in the most part, because I felt a great deal of resentment towards the fact that no matter how well I did, I would still not be qualified to be a Journalist, and would still find it immensely hard to get into a profession where experienced journalists are being culled, rather than new ones being hired. By the end, I had lost my desire to be a journalist; for now at least. Unfortunately, that in part also falls on the below-par teaching for journalism my University offers.

So, the bit of paper has now finally arrived confirming my attainment of a 2:1, and three months after finishing University, I am the stereotypical graduate who is failing to get any sort of job. Currently, the past few years look to have all been a delaying tactic for going on Job Seeker's Allowance. There are various reasons for this, such the little experience I hold, and trying to get a career in a specific sector. However, a large reason for this is because there has been a major push in apprenticeships by the Government. It means jobs that might have once gone to the likes of people like me, are now going to younger people who can be hired for a criminally low wage for a couple of years, whilst getting on-the-job training. If I was 18 years old now, and looking at what to do, I think I would be looking at being an apprentice too.

However, I keep sending out CVs in all directions (probably approaching a figure of around 40), and only getting responses from a few. Two job interviews in three months. The sad and depressing life of a graduate. Maybe it's because of my accent which has become tapestrised. Or the fact my University is at the bottom of the league tables; despite being a great place. It could be because of the economy, or that fact I am part of, what the media keeps calling 'the lost generation'. Possibly it is due to so many hundreds of thousands of young adults having a degree, it has become a worthless piece of paper. It could be because I have about as much professional experience as a foetus, and being stuck in the paradox of needing experience to get a job, but not being able to get the necessary experience. Who knows?

Regardless, if you're an employer looking for a marketing assistant/junior (or something not too dissimilar) somewhere in Kent, who's ideal candidate is a misanthropic, yet slightly amusing and committed individual, then I'm your guy!

P.S. I know prospective employers are reading this blog, because I put it on my CV, so why not beg? If you don't ask, you don't get… I am highly skilled after all.

P.P.S. I am aware that I'm applying for jobs that are not marketing related, and that plea might be off putting to other jobs; but I'm versatile and not as picky as perhaps I might have sounded. I'll do anything... apart from telesales anyway.

The Peasants Are Revolting!

Unless you hadn’t noticed, the lower classes have discovered their voice, even if it is in a slightly more violent way, and they are protesting about the rise in tuition fees. As a future University student myself, I am obviously opposed to this raise. In the space of my lifetime, University has gone from being completely free to being capped at £9,000 a year.

Proving that students can spell...

Everyone over the age of 25 doesn’t particularly care about this raise. Most people over that age have already gone and completed University if they had plans to ever do so. Most people over the age of 39 would have gone to University for free.

I want to put this into perspective to everyone who doesn’t see what the fuss is about. The average age of politicians is way over 40. This means they would have got their degrees for free. Now, I don’t see them offering to pay for it, and they will be earning well over the repayment threshold. To me, this seems just a touch hypocritical, but then of course that is the stereotypical politician.

This new system which will be introduced also makes no sense. Raising the fees to the magic number of £9,000 only means that the Government have to loan each student three times as much, each year. This in a time when money is tight and only recently £80 Billion was cut from the country’s budget. This financial climate we currently find ourselves in began through banks loaning money to people who could not afford to repay the money. Why is this different when the Government do it?

Then the other problem is that the earning threshold when a student has to repay their loan increases to £21,000 a year, when it is currently £15,000. This means that less people will be able to repay the money in the first place, and therefore fewer loans are repaid. Obviously, I’m not Chancellor of the Exchequer so I have not seen the figures, but that would surely put the Government into more debt?

Now, I hear all of you adults who are over a certain age asking: “Well, if the students will apparently have it so good, why are they protesting and why in such a violent way?” I cannot answer the latter question, but how would you like an average debt of about £35,000 hanging over you for the rest of your life, just to get an education which former generations got for free? This is then money that the HM Revenue and Customs will take from every single paycheque that is over a certain amount. I don’t call that particularly fair considering the free education the people in power got.

Of course, I appreciate that times have changed. Education is of course a better quality. We are producing a generation of children which are smarter and regularly slandered by the media. I understand that people are earning more money. I understand that University is no longer necessarily for the smartest people, but for the children of higher income families. Oh wait, that last point doesn’t seem fair, does it? Hmm.

A selection of newspaper headlines from the last Student Protests...

Now, let us discuss the protests.

I wasn’t in the group of people protesting, and in fact I was no where near it. I was busy getting an education and what have you. It seems to me that this is possibly another example of the media slandering the younger generation. This is often the way. Judging by the media, my generation are out getting drunk every night on cheap booze they brought at Tesco’s, and drinking it at bus stops and recreation grounds across the country. Young female teenagers are ‘giving it away’ at the first chance they get and before they reach 20, have a family of three children from different fathers barely old enough to buy a lottery ticket. We are also all out in high streets wearing hoodies and proudly holding our mobile phones to capture the moment when a friend violently attacks a stranger so we can upload it straight to YouTube. Then, when it comes to examination time, our one time to prove that we aren’t all like that stereotype, we get fantastic grades, and of course this ends up being further proof that we’re just idiots. The only reason we could possibly get good grades is because the exams are easier. It couldn’t possibly be because we all study hard.

I’m guessing that on the most part, the student protests of the past few weeks have been largely quiet and calm, and there are only a few actually causing trouble. Of course, the media swarm to these events like flies to cow poo, just to get video footage of a man being violently beaten off his horse. This is one person out of a crowd of thousands. Numerous monuments around the capital vandalised with graffiti. This is a handful of people from a crowd of thousands. The royal limo was attacked with paint and bullet-proof windows smashed. This is a few people from a crowd of thousands. I agree these people should be arrested and the full force of the law slapping sense into them. However, I don’t agree that their out-of-control actions should taint the reputation of an entire generation. It’s always a few people that ruin it for the rest of us law abiding, lovely folk.

People are making a huge fuss over a number of police being hurt. 114 students were injured in Thursday’s protests; and the sad thing is, a majority of those were probably peacefully protesting. You can complain about the violence of students all you like, but the police were quick to retaliate. The police are well train and equipped for this sort of event and they seemed very prepared. To me, it seems like the police caused as much trouble as the students.

I imagine people like him only went to London for a day out. I highly doubt he has the mental capacity to even spell 'University'...

I would never be able to do what the police do; I’m not knocking them down in the slightest bit. They are very brave to go out there and do what it is they do on a daily bases. However, I think they need to review how they act in those situations. Charging at protestors in huge numbers with weapons and horses is not calming the situation.

I don’t understand why people even bother protesting anymore though. Yes, it is to voice our freedom of speech. However, the people in charge don’t listen to our chanting and sign holding. Take the war demonstrations through London opposing the Iraq war. Tony Blair still went to war despite the voice of almost an entire country; the stubborn bastard. Why should David Cameron and his puppy dog Nick Clegg listen to us when we say that we don’t want huge debts?

Maybe the politicians cannot understand our peasant, yobbish voices. Who knows, but the Government never listen to us, the general public, despite what they might say during their election campaigns to win the hearts and minds of us idiots. They just say what they think we want them to say.

One might point out it was worth it just to see Camilla pull this face.

So, let me just say this to all of you who have gone to University and don’t see what all the fuss is about: How would you have felt if you had to have a massive debt of that size? Would you have even considered going to University? And to those who got free University education; before you start judging our generation, why don’t you consider paying a contribution to the Government for your University education? No, I didn’t think so because you’re too busy being some semi-important ‘guy’ at some office, driving a Mercedes Benz and living in a town house with your 2.5 kids and glass conservatory. Well I want a life like that too, but of course if I do, I will have a debt to pay. You don’t realise how lucky you were and how well you had it.

We need more teachers. Do you think that people are going to want to go to University and get the proper training to teach your grandchildren, what with this increasing debt? Everyone will suffer as a result of this; including you.

This ConDem Government could be one of the worse things to happen to our country in some time. These cuts in spending are nothing short of disastrous.