Wii Elbow

I don't own a Nintendo Wii for numerous reasons, and therefore as a result the only experiences I have had with a Wii have been at other people’s houses, in front of other people making a bit of a fool of myself. To say I'm totally useless at it would be an exaggeration, but I'm not great. I am probably just too cynical. The purpose of the Wii is mostly flawed. Okay, so it can be lots of fun - agreed. The idea of using it to excise gets me though.

Look, a happy family playing on the Wii together. Why can't they just go to the local park and play football?

I have ridden a bike on the Nintendo Wii. On some games it just consists of moving your hands up and down and on other games it consists of lift an alternate leg up on white box called a 'Wii Board'. I have now ridden an electronic bike sitting in an armchair before I've actually ridden a real, physical bike properly. Yeah, I cannot ride a bike - Got a problem with that? I have even learnt to drive a car and ride a horse before being able to ride a bike. What does that say about me? Well, it's just easier to sit in your armchair, pumping your arms up and down than actually going outside in the fresh air and cycling using your legs.

This is destroying our society. We now have a bunch of fat children who believe the word 'Exercise' to mean 'An act performed holding a white rectangle in your hand and waving it about from the comfort of your living room whilst eating a burger'. Gyms in the future, as a result of the Japanese, will no longer consist of exercise bikes, rowing machines, treadmills and weights, but instead a cubical which has sensor in it, and you can choose which exercise you would like to pretend to do.

An example of what gyms will look like in the future? Maybe...

There are a huge range of games available for the Wii. Anything from pretending you're at the Beijing Olympics with your favourite Mario characters (Mine's Yoshi), from pretending to do yoga whilst sitting on the magical white box or pretend you have impeccable timing and have a great dancing ability. There certainly is a huge variety of games which can help in deluding you that you can do anything. Just like Guitar Hero and Rock Band on all gaming consoles, you are kidded into believing you have a talent, when really you have the ability to do a bad impression of someone who has a talent. Guitars are much more complex than the five differently coloured buttons and a switch which you move you 'pluck'. The same applies to the Wii. I cannot trampoline for the life of me; but yet I managed to do incredibly well doing it at the Mario Olympics yesterday.

As for the dancing; well the Wii has the ability to make me out to be a bad dancer. I almost always lose competing against friends, but I'm sure I am a great dancer. I have the impeccable timing needed and the talent, but the Wii just makes me come across as a blundering fool who has uncontrollable arms and never seems to get a dance move correct. Would you believe that!?*

*Sarcasm. I am actually completely and utterly, disastrously, really, really, very bad at dancing not only in real life, but on the Wii. In fact, you could probably say that about quite a few things you can do on the Wii AND in real life...

Being in your house, you would think you were safer. The Wii Fit has a wide range of games. You can box, and we all know boxing can be very dangerous. You can cycle over fields with a dog, and we all know that can be dangerous in real life with rocks hiding which can make you fall off. You can pretend you are a bird and fly, and we all know flying as a bird is dangerous what with glass buildings existing. You can have snow ball fights and we all know that can lead to pneumonia. You can pretend you're juggling in the circus on a balance ball and we all know in the real world if you have bad balance, you could fall off the balancing ball and have three juggling balls fall on your head and knock you into a coma; which you could never come out of. Well, you can be injured playing in your own house too...

An artists reconstruction of someone being smacked with the Wii Remote.

I've seen and also suffered injuries as a result of the Wii. I've seen people get smacked in the head with the Wii Remote by someone else being in too close proximity. To play the Wii safely, you need a big, empty room. Myself, well I have suffered at the expense of the Nintendo Wii. I have had my eye attacked by the cable between the remote and the nunchuk whilst trying to make my character jump. I am also currently suffering from something I have named 'Wii Elbow'. We have all heard of the Tennis Elbow, well mine is the same, except it was caused by flailing my arm about too much whilst trying to play table tennis on the Wii.

I cannot wait to see what they will have on the next Wii Fit game. Maybe they will start destroying childhood activities such as playing on a pogo stick, skipping or hopping around on a space hopper. Perhaps it could allow children who have lost their fathers, to pretend to play catch in an electronic garden with computer generated father. Or maybe perhaps they will release a an x-rated game on the Nintendo Wii in which you use the Wii Remote to perform an electronic hand job by shaking it up and down. Yeah, probably not.

I will agree that in comparison to playing games on an Xbox or a Playstation 3, it probably is more beneficial in that it is more physically active than sitting in a chair not moving anything other than your fingers and thumbs, but it still is a console which gives people a delusion. It is fun, but despite my ability to trampoline and do the hammer throw on Super Mario Olympics; I shall not be seeking out to do it professionally. I'll just go for a career of sitting on my arse all day long in front of a computer.

A win for Yoshi! Go on my son!

People always say they really love their Wii or claim they really need a Wii, but me, I don't need a Wii; in fact I can probably hold out quite a while without wanting a Wii...