Valentine's Day; From A Loving Perspective

I have hated Valentine's Day for as long as I have been aware of its existence and also the expectations that are associated with it. I hated it back in Primary school when my peers were giving and receiving folded paper with hearts drawn on them, to each other as Valentine's cards. This was because I never saw the point of doing it, as well as the fact that I was not brave enough to give one to the girl I desired in my class, and also due to the fact I never received one.

At secondary school, it was very similar (just not as many crayon-drawn hearts on sheets of paper). Everybody had something, apart from me who had nothing. The only things I got were cards and gifts that were given by friends when they felt sorry for me: usually after an angry rant given on the 13th February. This has been the reason why there are so many posts on this blog that moan about the whole charade of Valentine's Day, or mocking it. For example, last year I made my increasingly popular 'Unrequited Love Album'. Those songs were ones that made me think of the girl I loved, but couldn't have. People keep saying that playlist was really good. And why was that? It’s because all the songs held a strong meaning with me.

This year, I didn't listen to that playlist. I, in fact, listened to Phil Collins. As you are probably aware, I have now got the girl that I wanted and desired. For the first time, instead of spending the days prior to Valentine's Day ranting at every person who would listen (and even people who wouldn't), I spent the time trapped in a consumer World filled with red hearts and Me To You bears where the prices of everything remotely romantic shoots up. It makes you wonder why Cupid is still wearing a nappy when he makes all that money every year.

However, part of the contract of being in a relationship means that I have to undertake in this expensive shambles. I spent a long time in card shops, walking up and down trying to decide: What was the right card to get? What wrapping paper was best? Should I buy Clichés? Is this all just a waste of money?

I ended up buying the girlfriend a giant card, which is so large it can't stand up by itself. I also got her two bouquets of roses, cupcakes, a Me to You bear and friendship bracelets, and it was all wrapped in Me to You paper. We didn't spend a great deal of the day together due to University commitments, but in the evening, we went out for a pizza.

Now, I'm not someone who would deprive couples with children to not go out and enjoy their relationship. However, their attempts to spend a 'romantic' meal together ruin it for everyone else. If they are so desperate to go out on Valentine's Day, then they should get someone to look after their rotten, dirty, screaming children. I wouldn't go so far as to say they ruined our meal, but I spent a lot of time wondering whether or not kicking the two children in the face would lead to jail time… I didn't do anything to them in the end, but surely I should be able to have a quiet conversation with my girlfriend over a meat feast pizza with stuffed cheese crust and garlic bread.

Mind you, we nearly didn't make it to the restaurant as the bus driver was being rather reckless: speeding over bumps, braking at the last moment and sliding around roundabouts. I think maybe he didn't get a Valentine's card or present, and was set out on killing us.

Anyway, as Valentine's Day's go; this was the best. This was despite the fact that because of errors by Clinton Cards and/or Royal Mail, I didn't get my Valentine's card from the other half until a week later. It was the best I have ever had; however most might say that is because it is the only one I have properly had. The only issue I have with the day was how expensive everything was. There were many occasions where I was on the Internet or in a shop, saw something that I liked, and then didn't once I saw the price. Valentine's Day is just an excuse for shops and their owners (Yes, I am talking about you Mr Clintons!) to make money out of people who have unwillingly signed up for this whole charade when they entered a relationship.

So, what are my final thoughts on Valentine's Day? I never realised there was so much Me to You branded stuff. And also, it is a brilliant day to experience when you are in love with someone, but not if you happen to love a full wallet more.  Oh, and Cupid: Get some clothes!

Stuart's Unrequited Love Song Album

Regular readers of my misanthropic writings on this blog, or just generally know me, have an idea of my general idea of 'love', and will know this is yet another blog with a cynical outlook on the basic human emotion of Love. Not a lot has changed in the area of love since my blogs last Valentine's Day. I'm still single. People around me still insist on being 'in love' and insist of sharing it with the entire world. Surely I'm not the only one that hates being sat next to people who smooch each other’s faces off?

I have nothing more to say, so this year, I'm here to support my fellow singletons in their day of need. We're the sort of people that dread 14th February. We're the sort of people who never get a Valentine's card. We're the sort of people who never get the person we want, and probably, at some point in our lives, will settle for anyone. We are the unrequited lovers.

In respect to those people, I have created my own playlist of Unrequited Love Songs. This will give people the power to celebrate Valentine's in their own way. I have put this playlist on both YouTube and Spotify, and you can listen to all twenty songs the whole way through using whichever format you like. It will only take 80 minutes up of your life, and let's be honest, if you're reading this blog on Valentine's Day, you have the time.  Below I have given a small insight into why I have picked each song. Think of it as the inlay which sits in the CD case and hardly ever gets read. Enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=65C2AB4059BEBFE1

Or

On Spotify: Stuart's Valaween Unrequited Love Album

1.    Is This Love? - Whitesnake

Now, my album starts off with one of the vintage love song anthems. It's hard to find a love album which doesn't contain a Whitesnake song. 'Is This Love?' is a nice way to ease a listener into a romantic album. Everyone associates it with love, and with it being about the unrequited love for another, it also fits into the genre of this particular album of love songs rather well.

2.    Lovestruck - Madness

This is my sort of love song. It has an odd, cheery beat and rather unusual. Yes, this song may actually be about the love of a lamp post, but the general message is relevant. Listen to the lyrics. They're great. Remember, the lamp post is actually a metaphor. We're not dealing with a song about Objectum Sexuality. Anyway, I think it's a great song, and I hope you do too.

3.    Auf Achse - Franz Ferdinand

Never judge a song by its title. This song is actually about the unreturned love for a girl. I really like Franz Ferdinand, so I will always like this song. Again, it doesn't have that classic love song feel to it, but it's catchy and again, listen to the lyrics and understand the message in the song. Mind you, the general gist of the song is 'You want her, but you can't have her'...

4.    Invisible Touch - Genesis

This is a return to the classic love song genre. The words 'Phil Collins' are actually synonymous with love songs. It has a powerful edge to the song, and it kind of gets in your head after a while. Again, it works in this album because of it describing the power someone can have and how they can change you. Also, I love the sounds of the 70's; as do the normal love song albums. There seems to be something about that era.

5.    What If You Knew - Gabriella Cilmi

I don't suppose you really know this song, but this is a song about the unrequited love of a best friend. I think the lyrics are actually clever and I really love this song (I don't suppose the song loves me back though). It's also the only song on the album sung by a female. Not an intended choice, just how it worked out. It has a slightly electro, catchy feel to it too and is not what you would expect from a classic love song.

6.    Boomerang - Plain White T's

This is a modern song, which takes a different outlook on love, in comparison to the old classics. This song is about how the loved might treat the other person due to being oblivious to the feelings the other feels, and also how the unrequited lover would feel as a result. It has great lyrics which I expect from Plain White T's, and is again, not the classic sound for a love album. Are you noticing a trend here?

7.    Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

This is one of my all time favourite songs, and also an unappreciated classic of the love songs. Ronan Keating covered it, so it must be a classic love song, right? It's slow, yet intense beat pierces your emotions via the ear cannel, and the lyrics are brilliantly powerful; listen to them carefully to understand the full message. Listen to it a few times and you notice more. The song also has the big key change at the end, which something else which is synonymous of a true, emotional song about love.

8.    I Found Out - Pigeon Detectives

Indie Rock; Hormonal teenagers with mixed emotions about everything. A short song, but they fit a lot in. It’s about the feeling of not being good enough for the person you love, which is classic of unrequited love, and I think it brilliant for this album as half way through it wakes you up in case you start to feel depressed.

9.    Creep - Radiohead

You're brought back down by this amazingly powerful and emotional song. This song is again completely different from the classic love song, yet has just as good of a message. The sound is intense, just like the lyrics and the singing and the subject is again about the feeling of being unworthy. Also, slightly about stalking, but that's what love it about, right?

10. Sleepless - Until June

I'm mad about this song and this band. They are unknown, yet brilliant. This is sort of a classic song about love, and is something which a majority of people will be able to relate to: Not being able to sleep because you can't stop thinking about that one person and is also about the feelings of love. I think this song has a great sound, and for me at least, evokes emotions unlike any other song.

11. Shiver - Coldplay

Being in unrequited love can be depressing, and you cannot have an album of depressing songs without including Coldplay's dull and depressing sound. This song is good for that, and this song is also good for the message conveyed: wanting to change to get what you want. I like this song though, and again you can tell the emotion in the song.

12. Look Away - Chicago

The video for this is odd, but it matches the era which it comes from. Chicago are another classic rock band which are known for their big love ballads. This song covers the thought of the one you love (in this case, an ex) having another lover, and the intense feelings which this makes the unloved person feel, and forced to cover them up. Also, it has that classic key change towards the end.

13. Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon

Another of the classic love songs on this album, and it might also make you want to buy yoghurt after a recent advertising campaign. The message is one classic of unrequited love, and feeling closer to that one person, who doesn't feel the same for you and also covers the mental turmoil caused to you. It's also filled with many metaphors, such as candles and ships.

14. Over And Out - Newton Faulkner

I don't particularly like him, and I think he has chosen an awful piano sound for the verses, but the power of the chorus and the general lyrics of the song are what make me like this song and made me put it in. Also, in the video, he hasn't quite figured the complexities of creating a hologram, but maybe I'm being too critical. Just listen to the lyrics of the song, enjoy them and relate to them. Overall, it's good.

15. My Never - Blue October

This, and the following few songs, are slow and depressing, so get over it. This song has some beautiful lyrics I think, and the emotion is just flowing out of the singers’ voice. There isn't a lot to say about it, just listen to it and let the lyrics and the sounds of the song consume you.

16. If You're Not The One - Daniel Beddingfield

I was in two minds about including this song. I mean, it's far too obvious and overused in these scenarios, but I've not actually heard it for a while, and I don't expect you have either, so here it is. You all know the message of this unrequited love song (I think it's rather sweet though), so just listen to it. If it's too 'popish' for you, then skip it.

17. You're Beautiful - James Blunt

Another edition to the 'obvious', 'classic' and 'overused' categories, but I think it's actually a rather good song. I'm not one of these people that get annoyed by his voice. Again, you know it, so there's no point me blabbering on, but it fits the message brilliantly with the lyrics '... But I'll never be with you'. Mind you, he does sound slightly like a stalker in the song.

18. Gotten - Slash featuring Adam Levine

This is another one of my very favourite tracks. You can interpret this song in many different ways, but I think it to be about the unrequited love for another and how the thoughts of them being with another mentally hurt you. A great song what with it having brilliant lyrics, a great guitarist and one of my favourite singers (FYI: He's from Maroon 5).

19. Congratulations - Blue October

Yes, another song by them. They must go through a lot of emotional turmoil. Anyway, this is another fantastic song which is really thought provoking and beautiful in its sound and meaning. This is a song about wanting to tell the person you love how you feel, but finding out it's too late. Again, just sit back, listen to the song, and let it touch your soul. Too cheesy?

20. I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For All The Crap In This Song - Sparks

Not strictly a song about the unrequited love for another, but it is an uplifting song which will wash you of the emotions you may have felt for the previous nineteen tracks. I think this is actually a song which should appear on every love song, and with it actually satirising boybands and their love songs, it works. A lot of people don't quite get them. Yes, they're weird and one of the blokes has moustache and yes, their dancing is a lot to be desired, but give them a chance to captivate you.

I really hope you have/you will enjoy my selection of songs of the Unrequited Love genre. I hope you feel fine, and get through Valentine's Day without using too many tissues (Your imagination can decide what you do with the said tissues...).

I hope you got a Valentine's Card and that you soon find love. If not, I’ll see you again next Valentine’s Day for another cynical blog.

Halloween: The Pointless Charade

Every year, the end of October happens at some point; usually towards the end of the tenth month of the year. This is bad enough due to the fact that it means we are nearing Christmas, so the rate at which Christmas related adverts are shown on TV, increases. It also means that the clocks change and go backwards an hour. This is a mixture of good and bad. Good because we get an extra hour in bed on the last Sunday of the month, but bad because it means the following 5 months get dark quite early. Halloween also happens at the end of every October, and this year, it's on a Sunday, meaning this year we annoyingly have 25 hours of Halloween due to the sodding clocks going back. Typical!

A lot of things I have grown to dislike as I have grown up like Christmas, patronising children's TV presenters and boredom. However, Halloween has been something I have disliked, nay - hated my entire life. As a child I was forced by my Mum yearly to dress up as a witch for Halloween, or whatever she had decided to buy that year. I never went Trick Or Treating either. That was partly due to the fact I was a fussy eater and rarely liked any of the sweets strangers would offer me. However, it was mainly due to the fact, that despite the fact no-one could see me behind my green witches mask, I got very embarrassed. I didn't like Halloween.

That is one of the only things me and my Dad actually agree with. Neither of us particularly likes Halloween; especially the Trick Or Treating part of it. As a result of this, many eggs have been thrown at our house. Most years it is the same routine. Children ring the door bell dressed in ridiculous outfits. We say 'No Thank-you', then moments later a few eggs are thrown and then they run away. Children who come after that, normally get sweets, but only as a bribe to not decorate our house in eggs brought from the store down the road.

Since when has throwing eggs at a house been a 'trick'? A trick is putting a whoopee cushion on a chair or gluing a pound coin to the pavement. Throwing eggs at a house is vandalism and also known as 'being a completely spoilt bastard who has a tantrum because you didn't get a sweet for dressing in the same costume as a bunch of other kids, and in turn deserve to have eggs crammed in their eyes and be forced to eat the eggshells of a dozen eggs that have been mixed with dog poo from down the road'. Well, that's what I call them anyway...

Throughout my life, I have refused, as best as possible, to celebrate Halloween in any way. It ranges from dressing up while being a kid, to going to Halloween parties, to watching scary movies on Halloween and even eating chocolate covered in foil which is decorated in a Halloween-esque way. I fail to the point. I may have liked it if we took up the name which some parts of Ireland have for it: ‘Pooky Night’, but we didn’t, so we’ll never know.

What does Halloween actually celebrate? Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ. Easter celebrates the death of Jesus Christ and his selfless sacrifice for us. Valentine’s Day at least is a way of celebrating your love for another human being. Bonfire night commemorates the time when Guy Fawkes (from the era of 'The Stuart's', for a pointless history lesson about my name-sakes), tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament to prove a political point. Halloween is just there to fill a gap; and that gap has been commercialised like every other celebration.

Halloween is so commercial now, just like Christmas, but just not as bad. Luckily, by the time shops start to think about stocking Halloween items, they find they have little room because they had already filled it with Christmas items in August. If Halloween was in June, I expect the shops would have crammed their stores full of stuff as soon as the Easter eggs went.

I have one idea which I think shops should stock in a bid to make money. They should sell eggs without a yolk. That way, you can make a point without damaging property, but you are also playing a joke in that the home owner would think you have thrown real eggs at their houses. You see. I should be a big salesman in London, pitching ideas like that to a load of fat, greying men in suits. There is a pun about ‘yolks’ and ‘jokes’ there somewhere, but I refuse to find it.

Anyway, I know I am a cynical person, but I do think that if you are above the age of 16 and you don't have any children, you shouldn't be celebrating Halloween, and should instead be getting a job or be looking in the mirror thinking 'I really have messed my life up', while probably also thinking 'I wish I had a boyfriend/girlfriend'. If you don't agree, then well, good on you. You're a happily naive person who lives a life without any real direction or purpose. YAY!

As is evident, I don't write blogs to make people like me.

P.S. You can’t even justify Halloween by mentioning The Simpson Halloween Specials, because the can sometimes be rather unfunny. Shame.

Valaween

Valentine’s Day is upon us and it is the day where people confess their love for each other or celebrate the love in which they have. It is a day in which many couples will go to the cinema and share a box of popcorn. Others will go to expensive restaurants and have a meal while the sexual tension builds. Chocolates and flowers are given, wrapped in pretty red paper and cuddly toys with 'I LOVE YOU' written on them, along with giant cards containing cheesy prose to explain how much you love them, will be given. For people in love, this sugar-coated day adds brightness to dull winters. For people who are not in love, like the writer of this very sentence, it is the cruellest day on the calendar. I don’t like Valentine’s Day believe it or not, which is one reason why I’ve affectionately named this blog ‘Valaween’. I shall now explain why so.

February the 14th is the date which I, like millions of other single people, dread. The celebration is named after a saint who had absolutely nothing to do with romance either, thus making the day a bit of a fraud. The amount of heart-based gifts which you see in the shops that are overpriced for the poorly-made crap they really are is quite silly. Red mugs, giant cards, me-to-you bears, balloons, jewellery and numerous other gifts of an erotic and 18+ nature. These are all things which are supposed to show how much you love the receiver of these gifts.

I suppose you could argue that I am lucky to be single to be on this day. I have not got to worry about whether a cuddly toy and box of chocolates appropriately send a message of how much I love them. I haven’t got to worry about what stage of the relationship we’re in and whether or not the card is a sufficient enough size. What if she gets me a bigger one with glitter? I’d feel like a complete idiot after giving her a £2.99 card from down the road. These are all worries I have not had to have. Still, I don’t like Valentine’s Day.

You may have noticed that I am of the cynical nature when it comes to this day. This is possibly because I have actually always been single on this day of 'love' or, maybe because I have actually never received a valentines card or present from a lover. I have however received presents and cards from friends who are sympathetic of the fact that I am going through another year of loneliness. These gifts usually come from friends who are in relationships so show pity by giving cards or, in the case of this year, a lovely single red plastic rose. I don't wish to come across as ungrateful, because I am grateful for their efforts to cheer me up, but you can't help but notice it is a sympathy present.
Another year has gone past where I receive no Valentines cards from a secret lover which I have to try and figure out like an episode of Poirot, in which no-one dies but yet everyone is still a suspect. I suppose, what with Valentine’s Day falling on a Sunday this year and there being no post on Sundays, this imaginative card could come on Monday. I mean, I could get a card. An average of 1 billion cards are sent each year on Valentine’s Day, and yet we all I know that I won’t be getting any of them, yet again.

Valentine’s Day has actually always seemed very pointless day in my personal opinion. Essentially, the day is for people to tell other people that they love them. Why make it specific to one day? This day needs to be removed from the calendar and have February the 14th as a normal, boring day. Love should be celebrated every single day of every single year, not just because Hallmark thinks you should in order for them to sell more cards. I know if I was in a relationship, I would be celebrating that fact every single morning - I would feel so lucky, to actually have a girlfriend.
Being single is a hard thing to be during the week leading up Valentine’s Day and the day itself. Where ever you go, you are constantly reminded that it is soon the day of love and you are still single. Every ad break on the Telly or Radio has adverts for cheep roses at Tesco's or personalised cards from Moonpig for the special occasion. Every shop you walk past has its windows covered with red hearts and 'HAPPY VALENTINES DAY' in big letters. Friends talk to you about their plans for Valentine’s Day and what they will be doing with their 'other half', insinuating that when they're with them, they feel complete - soppy gits!

I'm not going to bore you with my tragic life story, how unlucky I am with love and how lonely I am. However, I did stupidly worked out the other day that I have been single for 20 months. I also, with depressing results, worked out how much of my life so far has been spent 'in love' and the result wasn't even 6 months. Maybe the fact I am single is because I never send on those texts or e-mails. You know those one that say ‘Pass this on to seven people in the next 33 minutes or no-one will love you for 9 years.’ I never pass them on. Maybe the curse is coming true.

Don't worry though, because rumour has it that I am in a secret relationship with my best friend. Well, it seems that rumours are as close as I get to relationships these days. I am (Infact we both are) single despite rumours. Whoever would have thought that rumours might not be true? To have a little mini rant on the subject: How shallow are these people? “Oh look, they’re sitting next to each other again. They’re definitely in love.” If that is evidence of people being in love, then the world would be a much happier place. Anyway, slightly off topic.

Here is one piece of advice for you. When girls say 'I love a man with a sense of humour and who is kind' they clearly do not mean it. I'm humorous and I am actually a very nice person, and look at me. Single. Lonely. Depressed. Resentful. Jealous. Wishing my life was like the life of characters on Scrubs. What girls really want is some guy who is their ideal of being ‘fit’, with a nice butt and caressable hair (my hair is nice too). I don’t come into the category of ‘fit’ though; thus why I am single really. Humour and niceness is not enough.

You would have thought I’d be great catch with the ladies. I even quite like watching ‘Twilight’ or ‘New Moon’. Surely that would make me a perfect choice. Maybe if I had the giant eyebrows, sparkled in the sunlight and had a pale complexion like Robert Pattinson, or the torso Taylor Lautner I would have better luck. I would be more than willing to sit and watch the DVD, so bare that in mind ladies...

I am even cynical of dating websites. A load of data on a database is not the way to find love. How depressing is that? Saying that 'I found love through a website creating a query of facts from my own personality and comparing it to other data on Microsoft Access' is actually quite tragic. Thus why, when I'm 18, I'm not going to even contemplate going on one of them websites. I do not think I am that desperate. Not yet at least anyway.

I am sorry to point this out, but while everyone is out on dates with the 'love of their life', you are sat there reading this blog. Depressing isn't it. You're probably sat at home listening to songs by McFly or the Goo Goo Dolls, maybe OneRepublic or maybe you're treating yourself to extra special depression by listening to Maroon 5. I know that is what I plan to do. The best way to get through the day though, is to just shut your eyes. Pretend the day is just an ordinary day. If you have to, draw the curtains and hold the bed duvet over your head until February the 15th comes around. Also, don't ask how your friends how Valentines was if they're in love; it will only depress you. If they tell you, don't listen: just nod, laugh and smile occasionally and then end the conversation by saying 'Aww sweet'. It has never failed for me.

Whatever you do though, do not make the same mistake as I did last year and spend Valentine’s Day with friends who are in a relationship. What was sold to you as a way to get through the day enjoyably, turned out to be the most depressing way to spend the day. Spending Valentine’s Day watching people in love? How stupid was I? It's like eating your Chocolate Easter Eggs on Easter Sunday infront of your diabetic friend who isn't allowed to eat chocolate.

If you're reading this on Valentine’s Day, I feel your pain, I really do. Sitting at home at your computer reading a blog by a 17 year old, which is about his take on love and Valentine’s Day, it is depressing. I hope the day passes quickly for you and don't get too miserable. If you're reading this blog after Valentine’s Day, I hope you enjoyed your date you lucky sod. I hope you've got chapped lips. Did you even spare a thought for us 'Singletons'? I thought not.
Don't worry though, as a reward, on Tuesday it is Pancake Day. To celebrate surviving another Valentine’s Day, you can sit and eat Pancakes, on your own. Don't think of that as a negative though, it just means you haven't got to share the pancake goodness with some greedy sod.

Seeing as I am single, and have been for quite some time, I am advertising myself on my blog now. So: If you're an attractive, sarcastic, clever girl who is single and is interested in a slightly over-weight teenage boy who spends most of his time writing and making everything into innuendos, or know someone who is, then please do contact me.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy/enjoyed your day.
Remember, even though I really hate love, Stuy loves you!

Stuart’s Dating Advice:

Welcome to the first in a two-parter about Valentine’s Day (Or as I’m calling it – Valaween). This first part is just me giving you helpful advice on love. We’ll start off with some chat-up lines you can use to devastating effects. Then advice on what to do once you are in a relationship. Call it a gesture of good will. You may even figure out why I am still single. The second blog, to come this afternoon, will be general blog going into detail on why I hate February the 14th.

Stuart’s Top 14 Chat-Up Lines:

• You can scramble my eggs anytime, love.
• Is that a pen in your pocket or are those jeans suppose to have an ink stain?
• Do you believe in love at first sight or have I got to poke your eyes out?
• Can I buy you a drink? I hear the water is quite nice here and it’s free as well so long as you don’t have ice in it.
• Did you hurt yourself when you fell down heaven, because your face is really messed up.
• Your mammary glands are looking very proportionate.
• My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.
• Your feet must hurt because you were running through my mind all day, so I imagined you falling into a piranha pit just to get rid of you.
• There is a reason why ‘I’ and ‘U’ are next to eachother in the alphabet – I’m dyslectic.
• Excuse me, can you give me directions to ‘Your Heart’. You know, that pub. I’m sure it’s around here somewhere.
• You smell like my Grandparents house.
• Hey Sausage Pie, haven’t seen you here before.
• Are you a builder, because you’ve just raised my tower.
• You’re wearing purple underwear... I like purple.

Stuart’s Top 14 Pieces of Dating Advice:

• Honesty really is the best policy so be sure to point out all their flaws, every single day you are together.
• Love songs are so overrated. Instead of serenading them with something cheesy, try 'My Old Man's A Dustman'.
• Play fighting is nice, but it's not until you give someone a black eye that you show how much you really love them.
• Nothing says 'I love you' like pouring animal seman over your partners head. You'll laugh about it one day.
• Tell your partner that you love them more than yesterday. It'll make them paranoid that you didn't love them then.
• When dumping someone - be imaginative. Give them a dead potted rose and say 'I'll love you as long as that's alive'.
• Make your partner feel special. Introduce them to your parents under the name of an ex-partner. They will love it!
• For Valentines buy them gym membership. It'll imply that you think they're fat, ugly and in need of improvement.
• Girls don't like farting. However, if you fart to the tune of a Bryan Adams song, they will love you forever.
• Make sure your partner doesn't cheat by killing all their friends. It's extreme, yet necessary action to take.
• Pretending not to like someone is a sure sign of actually liking them. Continue this to even after the Wedding day.
• Before entering an expensive restaurant, tell your partner they're fat. You save money as they'll have the salad.
• Forgotten to get a Valentines present? Just say those three words every woman wants to hear: 'Let's Go Shopping'.
• If your partner is allergic to flowers, be sure you buy her roses. She'll think of you everytime she sneezes.

Anyway, I hope that all helps you and you have a long, successful relationship. I think my phyciatraist would like to see these...

There is another blog this afternoon. Yes, I am single and have nothing better to do with my Valentine’s Day.

Another Bloody Blog About Love... When Will He Give Up?

I can be considered to be more an observer of love, than a participant as over the past year I have watched many relationships fail and succeed while I just sit in an unlit corner watching and concluding my own opinions of relationships. Yes, I'm only seventeen, so I'm not exactly expected to be thinking about settling down with the one my heart desires and be planning how many children we'll have, what pets we'll get and the colour scheme for our first house, however I do feel a great expectation to not be single and start having a long term relationship. But with who?

Well, that is the question, but suggestions are welcomed. I've now been single for a year (roughly... Not that I've been counting...), and the single life is starting to get rather depressing. I recon I am becoming slightly bipolar. One day I'll be happy, cheery Stuy, making more euphemisms than you can shake your... Well you get the idea. The next day I'll be quiet and just generally depressed, usually when around friends who are in a relationship, or other friends who are also depressed about being single. But we are only in our late teens, we should be out enjoying ourselves, not being depressed because we've gone yet another day without a kiss and a hug from our one true love. Like I have said, there is an expectation for everyone to be in love. But what is the meaning love?

Well Dictionary.com describes it as "A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person" which I think is a lovely way of describing it. I'm not exactly an expert in love, having only had three relationships, which I wouldn't exactly describe as successful. But a lot of people of my age confuse love for 'fancying' or 'crushing' someone, or what I like to call - Disposable love. I've written a blog about this before, and it's where the relationship lasts a few weeks, but no real upset is felt when the brake up has happened, and even I know that's not love. Love is supposed to last a lifetime, apparently.

Love can't be forced upon a person either. You can't be told who to love, and who not to love as it's a personal emotion, and those feelings can only be created by yourself, not other people trying to set you up with someone else. That's why I hate the idea of dating websites, who find who they believe to be the best match for you, or blind dates set up by friends who are in relationships and feel sympathy for the sad, lonely and depressed.

Love is rather a funny thing to watch though, and I think everyone is guilty of this at some point in their lives. We pretend not to like a person which you actually do, and spend every waking hour thinking of. You convince other friends that you don't have strong emotions for that person by pretending you think they're ugly. Also convincing ourselves we don't like a person. This can come in the form of avoiding them at all costs or referring to them as a family member, so the idea of even kissing them becomes incest. As I've gotten older, I've thankfully stopped doing this, but it's rather funny to watch.

Then should we admit to ourselves and friends that we have these strong feelings about someone, we refuse to tell the actual person. You could quite easy walk over to the person, tap them on the shoulder and confess your love to them, but as human beings, we seem to find this embarrassing, so we admire from afar. Looking at them out the corner of our eye when they aren't looking is a favourite amongst most, as well as just looking through images of them on Facebook and wishing to ourselves that they were ours. However, I currently don't have feelings for anyone, although I wish I did, so I don't face this problem myself at the moment.

Something that has always troubled me though, is why people come to me for relationship advice, when like I have already said, I'm not exactly a connoisseur of love. I like the idea that people feel they can come to me for help, and trust me to give them good advice, but for relationship advice, I would go to someone else, anyone else really. However, my years of being single have paid off, as I have learnt to tell the signs of people fancying others, which include the ones above. Something which I've never understood though is that if a man acts like a bastard to a woman, they clearly like them apparently. I like to think of myself as a nice person, and being a bastard isn't one of my traits. So what does that mean for me? Well, I have no idea. When I fancy someone, I end up talking to them more, which also isn't a typical sign of attraction. A typical sign of attraction would be going all red if the person even looked in their direction, let along talk to them.

I am fed up of being single now, although I'm not sure how to change that. All the girls I know, I consider to be friends, and dating friends doesn't usually go right if Scrubs, Friends and personal experiences are anything to go by. I'm not really meeting new people either at the moment. Seeing as I don't believe in love at first sight, it seems unlikely that I'm going fall for a girl walking down the high street. People who say they found love at first sight are just liars. You can fancy someone at first sight, but you can't fall in love with someone without actually getting to know them. I'm sure there was at least one attractive Nazi, and besides the outfit you wouldn't know they were a Nazi without getting to know them, and who would want to marry a Nazi? Well, obviously not young Jewish girls. In fact that sounds worthy of Jeremy Kyle. "I Married A Nazi Who Murdered My Parents And Siblings. Now He Wants To Kill Me!" Anyway, the less said about that the better.

However, I feel I should point out at this point that I do love my friends, even though it is a different kind of love. I do know that they will always cheer me up; in between all the depressing moments we seem to have. The way it feels to me though, that it doesn't matter how great my friends are, it's not going to make up for being single. "It's just not having that someone to just make your day that little bit better with a cuddle" is a way one of my friends described it, which I do agree with. Being around friends who are madly in love isn't exactly that helpful either. You can't turn around without seeing them kissing. I think it's great they're in love, and I wouldn't change that, but come on! I know they don't do it on purpose - but talk about rubbing it in.

Unrequited love seems to be a favourite of mine, and it's when you love a person, and they don't feel the same emotions back to you. Unrequited love has been the subject of some heart wrenching poems and love stories throughout the ages, and most of us experience unrequited love at some point in our lives. Being in love with someone who doesn't love you can be a heartbreaking experience, which is something us teenagers seem to do a lot. Then we moan a lot about how no-one loves us and that we will be single for the rest of our lives.

Then for the unattractive, depressed, lonely and sad people like me, every year there is a day for people in relationships to mock the single. I have been single every Valentine’s Day of my life so far, and every year it gets worse. Where ever you go you see people cuddling and kissing after giving each other a cheap and tacky card with 'I Love You Soooo Much' carefully scribed inside. Because of my singleness every year I have grown a hatred to February the 14th, and I find it rather depressing when given a Friend's Valentine’s Card with 'I love you as a friend' scribbled in as an attempt to cheer me up.

Music doesn't exactly help either, with a majority of songs being about people who are in love or people sad after a break up. Music can usually change the way we feel, so by keep listening to songs by Maroon 5, you're guaranteed to feel depressed about your love life. My favourite song for that is Sleepless by Until June, and you can find a link at the end of this blog to the song on YouTube.

Talking about the end of the blog, here it is. So now it's time for me to get back to my depressing life of eating Pot Noodles alone and sleeping in bed with only my duvet to hug and keep me warm in the nights. And back to watching everyone around me being in relationships, where I sit in an unlit corner with a few other people crying as we watch everyone eat the faces off their partners and smile when they have an argument.

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igpa75MyTbg