Moving, Just Keep Moving...

Two months ago we had a flat which overlooked the Thames, in one of the busiest cities in the World. Now, I'm in Hythe with a distant view of the sea, and in one of the most old fashioned towns in the country. The shops still all shut on a Sunday, and the only danger is being run over by a blind old lady pushing a shopping trolley.

We've now been in our quaint little flat for nearly three weeks, but there was a point when I thought we would never find somewhere to live. In London, we were lucky and the flat we lived in was the first flat we liked and saw. Down here, we saw four, but liked many more. The 'experience' was full of disappointment, as well as meeting many letting agents who were Satan's children, and a couple who were lovely. It took six weeks, but we finally got a place we could live.

But then the next issue was that we had no furniture. Thus, too much money was spent. And then, too much time was spent by me putting it all together. I was in flat pack hell. I like putting things together more than most, but that was just a week-long binge of different shades of oak. However, by some divine intervention, not a thing was broken and nothing was missing. Even if I made a few silly mistakes...

And we had spent a week laying on a multitude of beds, in a variety of shops, watched by an array of shop assistants, who seemed to always have one hand on my wallet. The whole time, you sound like a spoilt Goldilocks going "This bed's very soft… Oh, this one is far too hard for my liking… This is just right… HOW MUCH?" Then, when you finally settle on a bed you can live with, which is only a little above your budget, you're told it's a month's wait. At which point, I would thank the man for his time, and walk out.

In the end, we gave up and brought a bed from Argos which we couldn't try on for size, just for the sheer convenience of not having to lay awkwardly on beds in public view. And you know what? It was the best decision possible, and it was cheaper. And it was the exact same process for our sofa too. You know what children? Internet shopping is the future.

The problem then though, is that you have to sit by the window for a week, waiting for the two minutes when the delivery man comes, dumps a load of cardboard by the front door, and leaves you carry a box containing an unassembled dining table and four chairs, indoors all by yourself. Two weeks on and my big toe is still bruised. And once everything was assembled, we were left with a mountain of boxes in the hallway. Stepping on the wrong floorboard could easily result in an avalanche.

Thankfully, we have a small garden we can retreat too. Well, I had to spend two days chopping my way through brambles and other weeds, and being covered in scratches so deep one could be forgiven for thinking I had started a new job as a lion tamer, and was awful at it.

Speaking of which, I am still unemployed. If one forgets the fact I'm spending money, when I have none coming in, I'm a little bit thankful for that. Imagine the stress of starting a new job amongst all of that? The dining table would probably still be on the doorstep, brambles would be smashing their way through the windows, and we'd be sleeping on cardboard boxes.

However, now that's all done, I need to need to get a job so I don't become too attached to our brilliant YouView box, and don't put too much of a dent in our sofa. I've never had Sky channels before, and I'm still not over the novelty of Simpson episodes that aren't at least 10 years old; I watched one from 2013 yesterday! This truly a beautiful time to be alive.

I have learnt over the past few months, that unemployment doesn't mean you have to sit watching people who have been subjected to bad dentistry, shout at each other on Jeremy Kyle. I have done something every day. Today is the first for a good few weeks where I've actually had the time to write a blog post. I can't remember the last time I even took a photograph. It's not only because I've been busy making this flat a home, but because I'm using the time to help those closest to me. Partly to be a decent human being, but also in a bid to fight off boredom.

I'm about to make an observation which is enlightening, positive and a cliché, for which I apologise for. Normal misanthropy will resume shortly, I'm sure… But life is what you make it. If you've sat in your bedroom who two years solely playing video games, then you must have the mental capacity of a peanut. Getting a job isn't as easy as most people think it is, but it doesn't mean you have to do nothing. Put some clothes on, stop hibernating and go and do something in the big, beautiful world. Not having a job doesn't mean you don't have a life. You're a disgrace to humanity; and peanuts.

P.S. A Misathrope's Guide to Folkestone and Hythe... Is that to be the sequel of A Misathrope's Guide to London?

Album Review: Maroon 5 - V (Deluxe Version)

After their last album, Overexposed, I was dreading this one. After hearing that a new album would be released in 2014, I was excited whilst also cowering behind my hands at the risk of being severely disappointed again. I saw the track listing, and the song titles didn't impress. I saw their understated front cover, with the florescent 'V', and had an incline that it would contain electronic sounds I'm not keen on. Then I saw the 'Parental Advisory' logo and I could feel my heavy heart. I was setting myself up for heartbreak, but I still pre-ordered the album… This is my mostly upbeat review, song by song:

Maps: When I heard this song back in June, I tentatively loved it instantly. A great catchy song, with meaningful lyrics which tell a story about being hurt in love, and trying to get the other person back, and those emotions shine through. It's a song that fits in with modern music, but still has the same ingredients of Maroon 5's earlier music. Plus, it was written with Ryan Tedder of OneRepublic, who seems unable to write an unsuccessful song at the moment. An early favourite.

Animals: There is a theme developing early in the album with hints of the dreaded autotune. This is also very repetitive, with the word 'Animals' being sung to death, and stupid sounds such as 'Ny Ny Ny'. Of course, it is still a catchy song, and is a song using sounds much more like they're recent stuff. However, despite being an obvious metaphor, the Animal/Sex metaphor is done quite cleverly.

It Was Always You: I heard this song a few weeks back, and initially I was disappointed. This has an autotuned sound to it which immediately put me off. However, on reflection I think that might just be Adam Levine's voice. So, once I had seen past that, the song harks back to their It Won't Be Soon Before Long album, and after a few listens, the song does imbed itself in your head. Also, as always with Maroon 5 songs, I really like the lyrics.

Unkiss Me: I'm not keen on the music, as it seems like it should be a gangster hip-hop song at the start, but it progressed in an intuitive manner, and despite that, it is a slow and poignant song. The song also sounds well produced, because more often with this music, the voice can get lost. As the song started, I didn't expect to like it, but it is really catchy, of the time, and a very beautiful song; both in terms of lyrics and voice.

Sugar: Electronic vibe, which I think works well with Levine's voice, and a very summery song; it's a shame this album has been released at the start of Autumn. This song makes great use of how high his voice can go (one to rival the Bee Gees). Again, it's a very catchy song and I really love the chorus for its juxtaposition between high, and well, not quite so high, voice. Possibly a favourite for me.

Leaving California: This song would fit in so well on their Songs About Jane album, and is a masterpiece of a song from Maroon 5. Of course it is catchy, and of course the lyrics are perfect, and of course Levine's voice is pouring with emotion. It's got a positive and upbeat tone, and it's one of those songs that I think could lift the spirits of a crap day; which is nice between the songs about failed love. However, the song doesn't necessarily end; it just stops. This is the one negative point I can say about this song; it just sounds like the CD has malfunctioned.

In Your Pocket: Slightly oriental twang at the start, which seems pointless… But the lyrics have a fast pace, and that drives the song and it's gorgeous! The music is minimal. It's catchy, the lyrics are clever in how they tell the story, and it sounds like one side of an argument, about not trusting your partner.

New Love: Return of the autotune, which one has to admit doesn't sound too bad with the electronic vide. This is possibly my least favourite thus far, partly because it has unnecessary swearing, partly because Levine's high pitched voice is a bit annoying and repetitive in this song, and also because it's just a bit too club-like for my liking. Bu having said all that, it's alright.

Coming Back For You: The opening drums sound like those from Phil Collins's In The Air Tonight. Regardless, the song is good with their usual mix of great lyrics and music, which are catchy. I like it, but it's a 'meh' song.

Feelings: This song has such an electronic feel, that I'm convinced the introduction was originally a ringtone for a Nokia phone from 2002. Again, it also has needless and repetitive swearing, but I like the catchiness and the lyrics again. Apart from the distinctive voice though, I wouldn't have linked this song with Maroon 5, and although I fits in with the album, I'm not sure it's necessarily 'them'. Also, I can't help but think though, that this song should be sung by a woman.

My Heart is Open feat. Gwen Stefani: Speaking of which, here is a duet with a female. This is a stripped back song in comparison to the past few, and it is welcome relief. Their voices work really well together, but I do wish there was more of Gwen Stefani; as I can't help but think Levine keeps interrupting her. Duets are the 'thing' at the moment, and this fits in well amongst them. Again, it has lots of emotion, and the lyrics are good, if not slightly lacking what some of the other songs have.

Shoot Love: This has a Mark Ronson sound to it, which I used to really like (whatever happened to him incidentally?). Very catchy song, with interesting sounds which alter the mood and pace of the song. Lyrics are nothing to be amazed by, but the actual music and production are top-notch.

Sex and Candy: Another stripped back song, and is an unexpected treat. The title had me expecting another electronic-heavy song, but instead it's just Adam, a drum, a keyboard and guitar. Very soulful, and it's great to be able to hear his voice in this style of music. You can't help but just slowly move your body to the song. Also, the song ends on a long, drawn-out fade, which rounds off nicely and is a lovely change from the abrupt endings featuring on the rest of the album.

Lost Stars: This is a song from a film I haven't seen (Begin Again) featuring Levine in an acting role (and officially, it's just an Adam Levine song). I downloaded it separately a few weeks earlier because it is a beautiful song, and it got me in the mood for this album (plus I hadn’t realised it was on this album). It is again another song which sits perfectly amongst their earlier songs, and it just makes me smile. It has a great musical and emotional progression, and OF COURSE, the lyrics are fabulous, and I love how Adam Levine sings it. A lovely end to the album and one of my all-time favourties. Incidentally, look up the other song he sung for the film, A Higher Place: That is a Songs About Jane song through and through.

After my first listen, I was excited. Our love affair was back on track. Of course, they have annoying habits, but they're subjective. For example, despite moaning about the repetitive 'Ny Ny Ny' of Animals, I spent the rest of the day singing that over and over in my head. Just like in a loving relationship, the other person will have annoying habits, but I'm not sure I'd change them. Whether it's their insistence on using electronic beats, the fact they swear too much, or the their resolve to never put things back where they belong.

I really love the album, and it has made me very happy. Favourite songs include Maps, Sugar, Leaving California, In Your Pocket, My Heart is Open, Sex and Candy, and Lost Stars. I can class half this album as being favourite songs of mine, and that's really good going. There is a real mix of music between them, and yet they're songs that are all perfect in different ways. They have really outdone themselves this time.

I've perhaps been a bit too negative to other songs, but it all about personal taste. Even though I can swear with the best of the drunken sailors, I hate unnecessary swearing in comedy, literature and music. Unless you're portraying real anger, I just think there can always be a better word. Look up a song called Up Here by Terra Naomi. Now she swears perfectly. It is more than just a swear word. It holds power because you just understand how angry and frustrated she feels. Anyway, I'm off point.

This is a brilliant Maroon 5 album for three reasons: Firstly, it has roots that go all the way through their past albums, and it draws on what their fans really loved about them 10 years ago, such as their emotive lyrics. Secondly, it isn't a complete change of direction from Overexposed, so it keeps the best of those songs, and it keeps their new fans loyal too. Ultimately, this is an album which showcases their evolution. But thirdly, the album has been produced marvellously. I think it has to be one of the best-produced albums I've heard for a long time.

Overall, they've done a perfect job, despite Adam Levine's silly new hairstyle, and the fact there is now 6 of them...

I'm the Cockney Chameleon without a Job

Over three years ago I wrote a blog announcing that I would soon be moving to London, where I would be attending the University of East London to study Journalism and Creative and Professional Writing. I spoke mostly about how worried I was about having to endure the local language, and how I was fearful of catching Cockney, and becaming alll Landan like. I now write this blog post, having completed my degree and moved out of our outrageously-priced South London flat that overlooked the Thames.

I confidently stipulated that I was 'not worried about picking up the accent and the slang however, because I'm very hard to influence.' Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to have been the case. Many people have been noting that I have a slight Landan twang. Luckily, I don't think it's critical, and I should be able to recover; in time at least.

However, I have become somewhat of a chameleon, being able to assume a persona which is similar to those around me. Back home in Kent, I am a bumbling, slightly posh-sounding lad. Should a Cockney gas engineer enter our flat, my language and personality change; partly in a foolish attempt to sound more manly and in a desperate attempt to be accepted. "Alright mate? How's traffic get'in 'ere? Bin busy? You still got your motors?" And so on.

A drawing for A Misanthrope's Guide to London, by Chris Parsons.
(Click to enlarge)

Our flat was very nice; apart from the constant presence of gas engineers having to resuscitate our boiler back into life. Oh, and apart from the numerous water leaks; all those magical evenings spent mopping up water from under the now bowed laminate flooring. Mind you, that's made up for by the evenings I spent watching the woman across the road get naked with her blinds still open; until she noticed. Those memories will remain with me for a long time. However, not as long as the dent left in my savings by paying nearly £1,000 a month for a flat. We could have never afforded that place if it wasn't for our generous student loans.

It's a cliché I've heard an innumerable amount of times, but those three years at University really did fly past. It doesn't seem that long ago since myself, my other half and a box of half-eaten pizza, were abandoned in Landon by my parents and left to endure the next chapter of our lives. Well, that chapter is finished, and it ended with us getting 2:1s, so yes, thank you for your congratulation. However, my grade is still a sore point. I was less than 1% away from a 1st. 0.4% more would have given me a 1st. And you know what? I can pinpoint the exact mistake in my dissertation that lost me that higher grade. If I had just italicised the words A Misanthrope's Guide to London, in the handful of times I wrote them together, I think I would have gotten a 1st. FOR FU...

Anyway, it was a mixed three years. I met lots of, as everyone says, awesome and amazing people who were mostly all far more talented than I. Some modules I loved and excelled at, and others I hated and just about scraped through. There is something about Sociology that makes me look and feel like I've just had a lobotomy. The next time someone talks me about the similarity between Adorno's theory of the Culture Industry and Marxism, I think I'll go into a coma from which I'll never awaken.

The Creative and Professional Writing side of my degree has proved invaluable, and despite feeling trepidation about what it would entail, I absolutely loved almost every minute. It made me read books I never would have, and yet enjoyed. It pushed me to constantly improve my writing, which having read some of my old stuff, is glaringly obvious. It has even made me look at my own writing very differently, and I have produced pieces I could not be prouder of. My dissertation project A Misanthrope's Guide to London, is one such example where I have really honed my style of writing. That is in no little part thanks to the teaching on the course.

At the start, I was most looking forward to the Journalism side of my studies, and I did very well and learnt a great deal. However, towards the end I dreaded Journalism modules. That was, in the most part, because I felt a great deal of resentment towards the fact that no matter how well I did, I would still not be qualified to be a Journalist, and would still find it immensely hard to get into a profession where experienced journalists are being culled, rather than new ones being hired. By the end, I had lost my desire to be a journalist; for now at least. Unfortunately, that in part also falls on the below-par teaching for journalism my University offers.

So, the bit of paper has now finally arrived confirming my attainment of a 2:1, and three months after finishing University, I am the stereotypical graduate who is failing to get any sort of job. Currently, the past few years look to have all been a delaying tactic for going on Job Seeker's Allowance. There are various reasons for this, such the little experience I hold, and trying to get a career in a specific sector. However, a large reason for this is because there has been a major push in apprenticeships by the Government. It means jobs that might have once gone to the likes of people like me, are now going to younger people who can be hired for a criminally low wage for a couple of years, whilst getting on-the-job training. If I was 18 years old now, and looking at what to do, I think I would be looking at being an apprentice too.

However, I keep sending out CVs in all directions (probably approaching a figure of around 40), and only getting responses from a few. Two job interviews in three months. The sad and depressing life of a graduate. Maybe it's because of my accent which has become tapestrised. Or the fact my University is at the bottom of the league tables; despite being a great place. It could be because of the economy, or that fact I am part of, what the media keeps calling 'the lost generation'. Possibly it is due to so many hundreds of thousands of young adults having a degree, it has become a worthless piece of paper. It could be because I have about as much professional experience as a foetus, and being stuck in the paradox of needing experience to get a job, but not being able to get the necessary experience. Who knows?

Regardless, if you're an employer looking for a marketing assistant/junior (or something not too dissimilar) somewhere in Kent, who's ideal candidate is a misanthropic, yet slightly amusing and committed individual, then I'm your guy!

P.S. I know prospective employers are reading this blog, because I put it on my CV, so why not beg? If you don't ask, you don't get… I am highly skilled after all.

P.P.S. I am aware that I'm applying for jobs that are not marketing related, and that plea might be off putting to other jobs; but I'm versatile and not as picky as perhaps I might have sounded. I'll do anything... apart from telesales anyway.

It's the Golden Ticket

The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory musical, currently on at Drury Lane Royal Theatre, is one of most utterly incredible things you might ever see in your life. The technology and intellect that goes behind creating such wonderful sets, costumes and props is something which surely is revolutionary for musical, and is so splendidly funny that it is a fitting tribute to Roald Dahl.

If I were going to compare it to the film versions, it would be the original. Alex Jennings' version of Willy Wonka is perhaps more akin to that of Gene Wilder, but of course it has it's darker and lighter moments, just like both. However, unlike the two films, it holds a close resemblance to the story of the book, whilst still adapting it for the modern era.

McFly and Busted Travel Back to the Future

Pop conglomerate McBusted provided an entertaining trip back into my early teens at The O2 London. The new pop supergroup packed the arena full of old and new fans alike, and have potentially created a union that could have a bright future.

I was skeptical for how the evening was going to pan out, after getting a pounding, irritating headache from their warm up acts. Young Brando were good, and the sort of band I would have really liked 10 years ago; they could go far. Vix consisted of a red-headed female singer, who shouted covers pleasantly enough to get attention.

However, The 3 Dudes were on the cusp of ruining my evening entirely. They shouted and screamed into their microphones like boys singing in a garage. They were young, irritating, American and immature, talking about third nipples and other such nonsense. Their music was far too loud, and voices far too high. I felt ill by the time they finally left the stage. Music, it was not.

Press Vendetta or Public Anger

Today Maria Miller has resigned from her role as Culture Secretary, after coming under fire over her expenses, and profit made from the sale of her controversial second home. Bromsgrove MP Sajid Javid has replaced her.

Over 180,000 people had signed an online petition, which called for Mrs Miller to 'Either pay back £45,000 in fraudulent expense claims or resign.' A poll taken at the weekend showed that 82% of voters thought she should resign from her role in the Commons. Despite this, Prime Minister David Cameron continued to offer his "warm support".

A New Era of Formula 1 Powers Itself into the History Books

This weekend Formula 1 welcomed in the new quieter noise of its hybrid engines, with Niko Rosberg winning an eventful Australian GP. The results follows on from Mercedes' promise to be dominant this season.

Many pundits have long thought that Mercedes have made the best use of the new regulations. This has been evident through pre-season testing, and over the race weekend at Albert Park, Melbourne. Despite qualifying first, bookies' favourite Lewis Hamilton suffered from an engine failure from the start. He ended up retiring after just three laps.

Many fans of the sport will be relieved to see an end of the dominance of Vettel, who retired from Sunday's race after just four laps. This was most evident during qualifying on Saturday, when his failure to make it into the final stage was met by cheers from the crowd.

BBC 3 Set to Disappear into Cyberspace

Tony Hall's axe has swiftly fallen on its youth-orientated TV channel, BBC 3, as the BBC tries to save £100 million.

The channel, which launched in 2003, is now set to be moved online, to the corporation's iPlayer service in Autumn 2015. The latest cost-cutting measure by the BBC Director General, is an attempt to save popular BBC 1 dramas, such as Sherlock and Doctor Who.

Life After the Woolwich Attack

Last week, Adebolajo and Adebowale, were both sentenced to life imprisonment, nine months after their brutal attack on Drummer Lee Rigby on a South London street.

The pair were sentenced in their absence after brawling with security guards during Mr Justice Sweeny's opening sentencing remarks. This brings around a legal resolution wanted by all. But how can the family move on after losing a loved one in such a tragic and public way?

Lee Rigby's funeral

Most of us would have seen the upsetting images taken on Artillery Place, Woolwich, in the immediate aftermath of the attack. We were horrified at the sight of an unshaken man calmly addressing a camera phone, while brandishing a blood-soaked cleaver. He stood in front of a man, who laid in the road in a puddle of blood.

Building on a Good Thing

Lego has re-imagined itself over the years, maintaining its position as one of most popular toys of choice for children, over many generations. Kids have always used the brightly coloured bricks to build the things from their imaginations. But now, Lego has moved with the times and created a large assortment of video games which today's youth love to play. Creating a film was the next logical step in continuing to dominate the toy market.

The Lego Movie, which hit British cinemas on February 14th 2014, has proved to be a successful counterpart to the Dutch, world-famous brand. Many reviewers have already compared it to the likes of Toy Story. To repeat such observations would be uninspired on my behalf.  However, it is hard not to.