Bye-Bye Big Brother

I don't want Big Brother to 'Rest In Peace'. I want it to burn in hell... With Jade Goody!

We have now entered a new, better stage in human civilisation, and have been in it for over a week now because Big Brother, the reality show which brought us 'notable' 'celebrities' such as Jade Goody, Brian Dowling and Chantelle Houghton, finally finished last Friday after 11 long, excruciating years. I would say that I find it a real shame that it has finished, but I figure that would be called a lie; and lying is bad.

At the turn of the new millennium, a new television genre shot to popularity, and it was named 'Reality Television'. In comparison to dramas and documentaries, these types of shows are less intellectual and aspiring, but the main reason for their surge was their price. A show like Big Brother will take up hours upon hours of television scheduling, meaning less shows are needed to be created for a start. Also, once you stack up the costs of a normal television show and compare them to costs of a reality, there would be a substantial difference.

A drama would require paying for: Actors and actresses, writers, editors, directors, producers, locations, set designs, costumes, camera men, lighting, music, sound dubbing, special effects, make-up artists, food, health and safety reports, numerous other members of the crew and filming of a scene multiple times in order to get different angles. If it was hugely popular, they might make a bit of money back from DVD sales.

A reality show requires paying for: Presenters, an award to the winner, numerous editors, a producer and director of sorts, building a set, feeding the contestants, someone who can maintain electrical equipment and then making lumps of money back by charging for voting lines.

Television companies, especially during these tough economical times, are looking to cut money where possible, so filling schedules with endless crap is cheaper than making something of worth. That is why Big Brother lasted so long. The only reason it has stopped is because of the constantly falling popularity. If just carried on it, there would only be Davina and a few misguided teenagers left watching it.

Big Brother was a good show for creating controversy. The words 'Jade' and 'Goody' will remind everyone of her first appearance on Big Brother when she was a mouthy, stupid bitch, to put it politely. People will also remember her appearance on the 'Celebrity' version, where she came across as a bit racist towards the Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty. Of course, things like that were good for Big Brother. The more it was covered by the news and the media in general, the more people watched it; because people love controversy. If everyone is happy and getting along fine, then it's boring.

Shilpa and Jade having a lovely conversation... Or maybe directing traffic

That is where editing came in handy for the show. Anything can be misconstrued with help from editing. The producers can choose to only show the public when two people are arguing, and decide not to show the moments when the two people may apologise to each other and get along nicely. Everyone says things in the heat moment; and it's easy to show heated moments and chuck the cooler moments in the bin. A healthy debate between two friends could be made out to be an argument, just by editing it with a moment when one of them gives the other a dirty look.

A show like Big Brother is active for 24 hours a day, and more often than not, the 24 hours are highlighted into a show which is barely an hour long, once you include adverts and mindless babble from Davina.

However as much I dislike Big Brother, I do like Davina. I think you will find it hard to find people that actually loath her. Sure, she can be a bit too overly excited at times which can be a bit annoying, but as a presenter, she is lovely and a perfect choice of presenter to front a big show format like Big Brother. I hope she will now go on and present something much less annoying, now she can escape from the clutches of BB.

Davina in Zombie form for Charlie Brooker's spoof Big Brother horror 'Dead Set'

Ultimate Big Brother was filled with people that had proved to be popular over the past 11 years. Uncle Bulgaria, who is always compared to John McCririck was one, along with Nadia - the first and last transsexual BB winner, Rapping hard man 'Coolio', Ullrika 'Ka Ka' Jonsson, useless singer Preston with his pointless, blonde and annoying ex-wife Chantelle Haughton, the woman who isn't even the nations favourite jewish, gastric band patient aged 48 - Vanessa Feltz, a few other mundane characters and also eventual winner: Brian Dowling.

Out of the 275 Big Brother contestants; Brian Dowling is considered the best of them all. That to me just seems as heroic and poignant as being awarded on of the following: 'Jewish Pork Supplier Of The Year', 'Best Actor In Hollyoaks', 'Most Sane Inmate In A Mental Asylum', 'Least Gay Member Of JLS', 'Favourite Member Of Jedward', 'Most Mature Pregnant 13 Year Old', 'Horse Manure Supplier Of The Year', 'Cheapest Hooker' or 'Most Intellectual Porn Star'.

I can't tell you much about it all really because I didn't watch it. Well, I watched the final few minutes in which Davina cried and kissed Brian Dowling while watching her best bits. I can't tell you anything else other than that. Oh, and I can tell you one other thing about Ultimate Big Brother. One of the mundane characters was called Michelle, who during her first appearance, had a relationship with a long-haired person called Stuart (Now it becomes apparent why I know this fact - for names sake).

I forgot about that, and now I have remembered, I'm in a pickle. I named my car Michelle. When I found out it was a link to Big Brother, I decided I wanted to change the name. I thought about renaming it after an ex-girlfriend, but I then realised that would just start to lie about how much petrol it had, in order to not have to spend more time with me than necessary. I have now decided I stick with name Michelle and forget the Big Brother unpleasantness.

This final series had a circus theme to it; and this is very apt. People gather around and watch these people make fools of themselves. Davina is the Ring Leader standing outside shouting excitedly "Roll up, Roll up! Come and see some fame hungery twits dance around and argue for your enjoyment." Big Brother is often compared to 'a human form of bear batting'; and that is certainly true. The house is filled with opposite personalities which are guaranteed to collide and cause a giant argument at some point in the series. The obvious one being putting in a blonde idiot; let's say Jade Goody for example. The opposite to her is a cultured, famous person from a different ethnic background; let's say Shilpa Shetty. You cannot tell me that was not a little contrived by the Big Brother dictators. The aftermath of those racist comments lead to Jade Goody's popularity downfall; with her career high point being her actually death - and she even milked that for more than it was worth...

I may be pleased that Big Brother has left our British Television, but it has not died yet. The Big Brother format has proved popular in nearly 70 other countries. Big Brother is not evidence that Britain has morally declined in the past decade or so; it is proof that the entire world has gone into moral decline. How depressing is the thought that one of the most popular, worldwide franchises of our age is based around locking 15 people in a house for a few months, and watching their mental decline in a daily, primetime 'highlights' show.

One of the more disturbing highlights. This picture is in favour of the complete destruction of television.

At least it has now finished on our little island. And if they bring it back, the whole 'Ultimate Big Brother' thing would have been a lie. There should now be law banning it ever being reproduced in the UK. If only I where is Government...