100 - Love: From The Umpires Chair

I now have another year’s membership to the 'Singles Club'. Advantages that I now receive for being a member of this club for over two years include: An increased level of cynicism, an increased level of jealously, an increased level of hatred and increased level of loneliness, and also a decreased level of happiness and a decreased level of confidence. Upon joining the 'Singles Club', you will receive a temporary amount of sympathy from friends and the honour of changing your Facebook status to Single; we think of this a 'Badge of depression', which is visible for everyone to see. After a few months of membership to the club, you are allowed to post depressing statuses on Facebook and Twitter, but this privilege will be taken away after a year of membership to avoid people thinking you're being dramatic. When you have been a member of the 'Singles Club' for 5 or more years, you receive a cat.

Let me ask you a question: Have you ever been in love? A majority of people will answer 'Yes', with the more level-headed, single people like me answering either 'No' or 'Not entirely sure'. My personal answer is 'I think not'. Sure, I have said that four letter word beginning with L in a relationship, but looking back with the advantage of hindsight, I would say no. Otherwise, if that was love, it sure is very disappointing.

I am unsure as to what love actually, really, honestly, feels like. I know the meaning of the word Love is: "A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person", but otherwise, I'm ignorant to it. This makes me very intrigued and cynical towards people of a similar age to me who say they are in love. Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy for them (if not ever so slightly jealous), but how can they be sure? Out of my 150 'friends' on Facebook, an increasing amount of them are either now engaged or pregnant, with the one they love. Then the ones that fit into neither of these categories, but still claim to be in love, just broadcast it over Facebook through a number of status updates and display pictures of them kissing their loved one.

Nothing makes me feel like an old, moaning, lonely man than during the time I spend writing blogs of a similar topic to this; and I apologise to anyone who may become offended by reading this; however, what makes you so sure you have found your one true love? The one your heart desires? Your one and only soul mate? The one who completes you? The one who gives your life meaning? The one that caught your heart? The one you wish to spend the rest of your life with? And to anyone who answers 'You just know', I will brand you a liar. There has to be some kind of thought process. You don't just walk past a jeweller and say 'That'll be a good idea'. Please, someone tell me what it is!

Being the un-liberal conservative I am (no, I'm not referring to the coalition), I think people are committing their life too early; especially after watching BBC3 documentaries about teenage pregnancies. Now, I am aware that they pick the stupidest, most ignorant and extreme people for that show, but it is perfect evidence of being too young. Shows like that should scare you into not committing your life too early. It will not always work. If it does work - great, brilliant, fantastic! If it doesn't, you become a single parent and/or a divorcée before you're even an adult. My incredibly cynical mind cannot fathom how someone can be so sure at the same age as me, that won't happen with the one they love.

A paper demonstration of a broken heart

What gets me though, is why my Facebook page is left with the 'Badge of Depression', everyone else is changing their status to engaged and adding pictures of their latest baby scan. To use a metaphor I used last year in my love blog; I'm left stuck in a dark, shaded corner, watching everyone else being happy and making decisions which will influence the rest of their life. Or to use a new metaphor (which explains my blog title); I'm stuck up here in the umpires chair, watching everyone below play out their relationships, which may only last a few hits, or will continue for ages and suffer an infinite number of hits, while I silently judge them all. Surely, it isn't too much to ask for, for just one woman out there to find me attractive and a good catch.

As the 'mother' of The Supremes once said: "You can't hurry love, No, you'll just have to wait... Love don't come easy, It's a game of give and take'. It makes me wonder then, why even after Phil Collins repeated these gems of advice, why people still want rush into love, and why they are so confused about it not being easy. Too often I have seen people split up over stupid, petty things which are so insignificant, they can't even remember why they split up with the person, other than the fact they 'hate' them.

My belief is that TV and Movies have 'tainted' what people perceive to be love. Love certainly is not like how they show it; from my experiences anyway. It isn't all 'Will they? Won't They? Before they finally live happily ever after'. Also, love isn't all happiness and roses and romantic songs in Irish pubs like the movies suggest. It just is not a fair representation, and it has made people convinced that they can have a happy ending. The 'fairytale' element to love has been increased through movies and television in recent years thanks to people like Gerard Butler and Zac Braff.

Even these two fingers are happier than me...

That is the other thing that really gets me: Recently in a lot of American TV shows and movies, there are guys who have a similar hairstyle to me. Now, they seem to be always getting off with women and have ability to woe any female that they want. Just once, I would love for my hair to possess that kind of power. Even when I spray myself with Lynx deodorant, I don't seem to become a magnet for half clothed women; like the adverts suggest. It is all just lies!

I have been reading up about some of the best (well, worst) marriage proposals, and I have encountered many bad ones. The best (well, worst) one that I found was a man who left an engagement ring in a pile of dog poo. A couple’s dog had left a mess in the garden, so before he asked her to clean it up, he placed the ring on top of it. He then stood behind her as she went to clean it and proposed. That now means that every other proposal of marriage can be considered as romantic in comparison.

I have two ideas of ways in which I could propose to a woman. Don't sit there and snigger at the possibility of me finding someone who is willing to put up with me - it is possible, I'm sure! The first idea is simple; you create a Facebook event for your wedding, and only invite them. If it works, you can invite more people to the event. If it doesn't work, you either just simply delete all evidence of it or postpone the date and ask them a few months later.

The second idea would be to kidnap them as they left work and bundle them into the boot of a car. You drive around for a few hours with them kicking and screaming, until you arrive at a beautiful destination, in the middle of nowhere with the sunset gleaming across the beautiful scenery. You then open the boot and they will be incredibly relieved to see you. You then lay out a romantic picnic with champagne and pop the question. However, the key is to not actually tell them it was you that kidnapped them until many years later when you're married and it's too late. Maybe on your death bed.

Example of a beautiful sunset scenery. My own, personal photograph. Was going to use for background, but HTML sucks...

If you wish to date me, you have to be willing to settle for all my faults:

• I am cynical.
• I moan rather a lot.
• I am slightly over-weight and not much to look at.
• I can sulk, for days.
• I have low self belief
• Chances are, one of your friends will really irritate me.
• I have very little previous experience with love, and will have to be taught.

And all my merits:

• I have hair.
• I can, on occasion, be funny.
• I can be nice and rather lovely when in a good mood.
• I have a car.

If you can settle for these, please do not hesitate to contact me.

P.S. Notice I have now redesigned my blog page. PLEASE, tell me what you think of it?

Maybe I Should Say Hello and Introduce Myself Finally... Part Two

Now I’ve told you a little bit the career that I quite fancy, and informed you that I am a cynical cunt, It’s time to for you to join me as I write a fake ‘lonely hearts ad’, as my heart is currently lonely – hard to believe, I know, and also, I’m going to talk a little about my opinion of love, whether you want to hear it or not.
You may, or may not be aware, that love isn’t like the movies. In fact, life isn’t the movies Not everything has a happy ending, however much we want it. The movies show love as being a series of happy events, which never end, although if an English person (I.e. Hugh Grant) is involved, it does include some awkwardness and things going a little wrong from time to time.
Another thing that is shown in the movies (I.e. High School Musical), is that high school flings work, when in real life, they tend to not work for a great deal of people. It does work for some, and that’s fine, but for a majority, it doesn’t. At the time you tell the ‘love of your life’ that you will love them forever, then a week later, forever has finished. What annoys me about a fair amount of people my age is the speed they fall in and out of love. You talk to someone and they tell you that they’re in love in John, and then by the next you speak to them, they’re in love with Frank, for example. And if you talk to one of these people in the few days they’re single, they be telling you how they will be lonely forever and that no-one loves them and how bad their life is, all because they’ve been single for two days.

Maybe I have this cynical view of love, because of my few experiences in the area of love. Maybe it’s because of the amount of time I’ve spent in ‘Singles Corner’, or maybe it’s the fact that I’m currently surrounded with people who are madly in love, and seems that I’m the only one sitting in the unlit corner. I know I’m not, but that’s the way it feels to me.

The only too change this negative view I have of love, is to be in love myself, and by looking at my current situation, that could be a long time in the waiting, so I’m left with no option, but to write my own ‘Lonely Hearts Advert’.

• They tend to start off with the important information such as gender, age, height and orientation, so mine would start; M, 6”1’, 16 and Straight.


• Next you say about your personality, and I like to think that I’m quite funny, so that’s abbreviated into; GSOH. Also I like to think people can trust me and I care about the people I love, so I would write that as; reliable, trustworthy and caring.


• Then you tend to describe you’re looks. I would say that I have great legs, but I don’t think that’s really appropriate, so I’d write something more along the lines of; My friends would describe me as having a lion’s mane as hair, passable looks and having more to cuddle. Essentially this translates into having recognisable hair, having below average looks, and being quite flabby.


• Then you go onto saying what you are looking for in a relationship. I would put; looking for someone who will teach me how to love. Basically because I’m rubbish with relationships, and need to learn how to love.


• Next you say about what you’re looking for in a person, so I’m looking for a female who also has a good sense of humour and just genuinely lovely, so that would be written; Looking for female with GSOH who’s kind and caring.


• I also think it’s best to leave sexual connotations out of it. For instance if I put something along the lines of; ‘Bloke who’s well hung and great in bed, who’d love to satisfy you’, probably wouldn’t attract the right people, and would put a majority of women off I think.

So, my ‘Lonely Hearts Ad’ looks something like this;

6”1’, 16 year old Male, who’s Straight and has a GSOH, reliable, trustworthy and caring. My friends would describe me as having a Lion’s Mane as hair, passable looks and having more to cuddle, who is looking for female who will teach me how to love, has a GSOH and is also kind and caring. XX

If you like the sounds of that guy, or know someone who might, then don’t hesitate to contact me...
I doubt anyone will, and writing all that would have been pointless, and I will probably spend more time single.

So, I’ll leave you on this joke I’ve written:
I heard that when relationships are right, they’re easy, even when things are hard...Well, I think that sums up most men who are in a relationship.

If you don’t get it... it’s a knob joke – think about it.

Toodles m’darlings. Speak soon, and remember to contact me...